Would you judge self harm scars?

[AliceAbsolum]

Had a hard time as a young person, unfortunately used self harm to cope and now I have hundreds of visible old self harm scars down both arms. Impossible to hide without long sleeves.

Fast-forward 20 years and I live in a niace part of Surrey with DD and DH, Surrey mummy's you know. However....with the weather getting nicer I just cant wear long sleeves everywhere, nor do I want too.

We moved house recently and our road is having an afternoon tea thing today - I'm just going to have to turn up and deal with the looks aren't' I?

What would you think if you saw a 40 year old with old, but significant self harm scars?

No I wouldnt judge. There is always a reason for self harm and I would just hope they had come through the other side x

I have very old self-harm scars that I usually hide, and the fear I have is that, if I were to let them be seen, people would think: Why is she showing them? Why is she cornering me into a knowledge about her former emotional life? How unfair and aggressive, to pressure me into knowledge of her vulnerability.

The reality, of course, is just that I'm too effing hot. But I can't trust people not to feel somehow sucked in to my inner life, and to feel angry about that.

Perhaps because of all my own fucked-up attitudes, I might myself feel a bit angry along the above lines if I saw another person's scars.

Alot of us have unhealthy coping mechanisms when we'vebeen through alot, yours is just an especially visible one. I wouldn't bat an eyelid.

As a pp said, Id just hope youre in a happier time now

Ok….I’m sorry, I don’t want to upset you.

But honestly one of the school mums has visible scars, and I know that several of the school mums do avoid her because of it. They really don’t like that their kids have seen the scars - these kids are primary school, so old enough to query the scars but of an age where you might not want to introduce the concept of self harm. Some of them don’t know how to answer questions about the scars, don’t want to deal with any awkward conversations, so instead just avoid her and in a few cases that means that her and her kids have not been invited to group get togethers.

Before anybody starts on me, I don’t feel this way, but I am aware of it.

My kids are autistic and struggle socially as it is, so I’m always really careful to get on with as many school mums as possible and that helps them to be included in things, so for me that would be a big concern.

I just wanted to be honest with you that some people may feel that way so you know to keep an eye out for issues.

I’d also suggest that you practice a “kid friendly” explanation if any child actually asks you - in the case of the school mum I know she was quite blunt/direct when a 5 year old at school did ask her, and that’s a big part of the issue for some of the mums. When my kids asked about the scars I just told them that sometimes that can happen when people have been really ill, but that I think she’s better now, and they accepted that.

Honeslty I think as a 20 something peer I'd have "drawn some conclusions" and the idea "no one will notice" just isnt true.
but as 40 something I have a lot more empathy and also more understanding of the lack of permanance(?) In the world / the changing nature of things.
I think the kind of people that make those assumptions and cannot understand how nuanced life is / that not everyone was afforded a lovely childhood and decent parents are generally people whose opinions hold no value to me

Practically If you really dislike it you could look a something sheer clothing or try body foundation.
But ultimately you are fine to go about your business as you.like.

I would notice. I would think “I hope he/she is in a better place; I hope if they’re not they feel they can talk to someone.”
I would crack on, but from then on my opinion would be that you are incredibly brave to have fought back and still be here. That’s the only judgement you would get until I’ve worked out if you are a nice person or not.

Yes, this feels like an honest and reasonable reaction, and I'm surprised, actually, by all of the more positive posts on this thread. I think that, even as a person with such scars myself i would feel pretty much how @KitKatPitPat feels {EDIT: Apologies - you aren't describing your own feelings here, but general parental feelings you are aware of] , especially with children in the picture. I never found a way of dealing with my children noticing my scars. I tried to keep them hidden but I doubt that I fully succeeded. There didn't seem to be any safe way of talking about them, and so I let my children down in this respect.

Just don’t discuss it with your kids? ‘I’m not certain what the scars are as we don’t know that person, but people can have scars for lots of different reasons, we don’t judge and try not to stare’ but padded out with more mum words. That one is on you, not everything needs a full explanation, particularly when it’s about someone else’s body.

Further to my previous post I will also add in that a friend of mine has significant self-harm scars and I notice she does get stared at a lot. I might be more sensitive to noticing given I have them myself. Some people ask her about them (mostly older people) so do have a standard line for this, whether it’s ’mind your own business’ or ‘I was going through a difficult time in my life but I’d rather not talk about them’ - whatever works for you.

Realistically, a significant number of people will either have had/currently have mental health issues themselves or will have had a close family member or friend who did.

This absolutely.

Exactly this!

A friend has severe scars from self harm. She hates them but decided to turn them into something beautiful and has integrated them into a tattoo. I think she's found her peace with them more. I don't judge her at all. I feel sad that they upset her and something she did in her teens impacts her decades later but she's survived and I'm very thankful for that

I have scars which have largely faded after a terrible childhood and zero therapy - tbh I think a lot of us women in our 40's who had abuse of some sort in the 80/90's which was just not dealt with at the time as it was before therapy was "a thing" and most of our parents were of the stiff upper lip generation.

As others have said, adults will likely be understanding but possibly worried about kids asking questions - either to you directly or to them afterwards. I have a teen dd who also self harms (she is in therapy) and I do think there should be support for us parents who have had to cope without mental healthcare as kids on how to talk to our own kids about it. As soon as I found out she was doing the same I explained how I didn't have anyone to talk to and used to do it as a mix of self punishment and emotional regulation without any thought to the future. I don't know if it is the right thing to do but I did also use the fact that when I have been in medical situations without a long sleeved top they notice them and (I feel) treat me as though everything is in my head. I will come away from Drs with anxiety or depression meds rather than a blood test for example. I had serious health issues last year and it did cross my mind that if I had not gone in in summer with my thyroid issues they would maybe have given me a blood test sooner.

I had the same issue OP and I got mine tattooed over! Doesn’t cover the texture but does make them invisible unless you are really looking. I did it 10 years ago and was able to wear short sleeves without feeling self conscious for the first time. I get it might not be for everyone and it is a significant investment but thought I’d mention it as a solution.

Would I notice them? Yes. Would I judge? No, of course not. I’d just feel sympathy.

I would know what they are, DH wouldn’t. Neither of us would judge if you wore short sleeves. However, I know that I judged a guy who is transitioning, who wore the tiniest of shorts to a hobby class with some relatively new scars on his thighs. I don’t know if it was the shorts that caused me the discomfort or the fact that he was still self harming and happy to show off the scarring.

If anything Surrey Mummies are the demographic most likely to understand, adolescent self-harm often effects middle class 'high achieving' teenage girls, ditto eating disorders.

I do think they can be a little shocking as they are unexpected but never ever would I let someone see my reaction and I absolutely would never judge.
I would feel nothing but sympathy for what the person had been through/is going through and hope they are ok .

I was thinking alone those lines it’s quite vulnerable and exposing. I wouldn’t want a load of random mums knowing that only trusted friends. It takes huge bravery to have them out though that’s the take I’d have, but not everyone is so nice!
saying that op, of these surrey mums there will be other SH or eating disorder survivors and a host of other issues you won’t know about

My dd also has a lot of scars on her arms, more than I could count. She would wear long sleeves to cover them, even in front of her family.

like you, she is slowly getting into a better place and no longer harms (oh I dream of the day she will have a partner and family, she’s not ready for that yet but reading about you gives me hope). One of the big challenges was showing her scars, claiming them, being part of them.

last summer she started wearing short sleeves at home, this year she’s out and about and even went swimming yesterday.

yes she does get looks, and shes had the odd comment but so far nothing negative.

her answer is that shes claiming them, they are her, they are part of what made her who she is now. one person commented at work last week, and she just smiled and said "they were there last week only you couldnt see them, today they are on show, im still me" im so proud of her.

so may answer - go and wear a sleeveless top, and be you, and be proud.

There are bullies and mean people in all walks of life, these women are just as likely to eliminate someone for being over weight or disabled, or not fitting some other random box that mean girls create. OP don’t worry about women like this, and certainly don’t pander to them. You will always get some horrible people out there but it doesn’t mean they deserve any brain space or that they are right.

Normally no.

However there is a school mum or older sister who does the pick up at the local infant school and she comes in covered in old and relatively fresh ones arms and legs in shorts a vest top and honestly yes I judge her.

I think of all the little children seeing that daily asking questions and I’m also shocked the school haven’t had a quiet word with her. I think it must be horrible for their child/little sibling being picked up like that as well.

None of the school mums seem to talk to her thus no idea if it’s mum or sibling or hell maybe even an aunty.

A few old scars on someone’s arm is whatever though.

I have several friends who have covered their lower arms with tattoos to make the scarring less visible, and one who is looking at needling or laser options at the moment - apparently that can help but I don't know to what extent.

If you're uncomfortable and don't want to deal with anything or anyone on some hot days, look at SPF arm covers or similar and say you just like to keep the sun off your skin - if anyone even asks!

Yes, some people will judge but frankly they can fuck off. This is who you are now, we all have scarring of some sort whether physical or psychological or both. Not all of it is visible and we keep going!

Sorry didn't mean to quote anyone!🙄