DH hobby - AIBU?

[sanctuary86]

Honest advice needed.

DH and I have been together for 5 years and share 1 child together (aged 2 1/2). We each have an older child from previous marriages (teens).

We live in SE England and DH has always been very active in cricket (since he was very young). He plays every Saturday in local towns and villages up to one hour's drive away, sometimes close by though. It's a full day, from late morning until 7/8/9pm.

He never misses a game and is reluctant to miss a match even to go on holidays. Recently, I have really started to suffer from never having a Saturday together as a family. I don't really look forward to my weekends any more, as I'm left home alone with the toddler. If he is playing the match at home we usually pop down to watch for a few hours, but never more than that. I've started feeling like I'm a single parent, left alone with our child and get so upset about it.

I'm not sure whether I'm being unreasonable feeling like this. I want to spend some Saturdays with my DH as a family. Not every Saturday, but I would like to have at least some. I am genuinely happy for him to play as it his absolute passion and a release for him. But I don't think he understands at all what my issue is.

Sometimes he can be quite understanding and says he will miss the odd match for me, but other times he his loses patience and says "do you want me to just quit and ruin my life?".

My ideal would be for him to just play home games and miss away matches, but I know he would never miss half the games.

He genuinely doesn't seem to understand why it upsets me so much. He even said "you're an independent woman, you don't need me in your weekend", which I found so hurtful.

Sometimes I start questioning whether I'm the unreasonable one for wanting him to miss a game or two in the first place, as it's clearly his real passion in life and always will be.

Please tell me your honest opinions.

How long is the cricket season? Genuine question. It is a long day to leave you to sort the kids though. My ex was (is) an Arsenal season holder and nothing would stop him going, not even his own brothers wedding or mother of his young children at the time coming home from hospital after an open surgery with an under 2 to care for. So chances are, he won’t stop if he’s very passionate about it.

He has played every Saturday since he was about young child? Is it just Saturdays? Did you tell him before having a shared child what your expectations were? Why can't you spend time together as a family on Sundays?

Why don't you start doing something that takes you away each Sunday?

I mean the thing is that's the nature of cricket. 4 months of games on a Sat. Then nothing for 8 months.

I think it's important that if you commit to being part of a team that you stick to it and make yourself available to your team every week.

cricket has a season. It’s not like it’s all year. Let him have his hobby. It’s important to him

Is it all year or just the summer? If it’s just the summer I think it is ok, though he should be prepared to miss a few games for holidays or special occasions. If it’s year round I’d be less happy.

i play a sport where we have a game ‘most weeks’. But in reality winter season is 14 games and summer season is 7 so it’s actually less than half the weeks of the year.

can you make other plans on a Saturday (family/friends/days out with your toddler) and do stuff with your husband on Sundays/bank holidays?

Personally I feel that when people marry and especially when they have children then the focus of life should change.
Yes of course they should retain their friends and hobbies but the good of their relationship with their spouse and children should take priority.

I think.you are being entirely reasonable in just asking him give up some matches to spend time with you and his child. I think his response - that you don't need him to spend time with you - is very revealing. He really thought that his life should remain unchanged despite his commitments. I wonder if his attitude was the same with the mother of his older child and that's why his relationship ended.

I agree with previous posters, go out every Sunday

I think there’s a lot of other factors bearing on this:

firstly if you both work, then if you do tit for tat and go out all Sunday there is literally no family time at all. At one point myself and my dh were like that as him going out in his hobby pissed me off so I took a day and we never did anything as a family. I felt a lot better for it though.

if you are a sahm and it’s you and toddler all the time then you do need some time to yourself but not necessarily Sunday - consider preschool or nursery.

He can’t miss all the away games that would be very unfair on his team

I think it's reasonable once a week for him to do his hobby, especially as he's done it since being a child. Spend some time with your family/friends or join some clubs and do things together on a Sunday.

I love these replies as it gives me perspective on the situation. I have never been into sports so have zero appreciation of team sports etc. I do find it hard to relate to.

I doubt many teams are going to be keen on keeping someone on the team if they only play home matches.
It is only part of the year. Take the initiative in terms of planning Sundays, whether that's family days out or you getting a bit of "me time".

This is what I came here to say - if he's in a team, he's in a team. It's not like playing squash where you can have a knockabout with a mate or decide to enter or not enter a tournament. It's about being part of the team and everything that goes with that. Plus isn't cricket a late spring-summer thing? So four months or so? I totally understand your frustration, but if it's his only hobby, it's keeping him fit and healthy, then I think it's fair enough really. It sounds like you both need to therefore make the most of your Sundays for the third of a year when his sport commitments have him occupied on Saturdays.

Cricket season is pretty short compared to other sports.

You get 6 months of him avaliable on Saturdays, use them.

Presumably out of season you get the same number of Saturdays to yourself ? Or get to choose the activities you do as a family?
That would be an acceptable compromise possibly?
When our DC was young DH had exams that took up half the year with revision etc. It’s not the same but comparible.
I use to take the children away myself. Maybe see if there are any other cricket widows that might like to team up or swap childcare sometimes?
I agree that this would be difficult to cope with but on the other hand it’s not a new hobby for him.

Presumably some is the social aspect after…. The matches don’t go on til 9 pm right? I’d be asked that every other match, honestly and away, he comes home for family dinner.

as others has said this assumes there is a season as well so say for 4 months of the year you could in theory also have every Saturday off should you want.

now I wouldn’t condone actually doing it as it would be spiteful (unless you also have something you’ve done since you were 5 but recently had to give up for childcare) and would affect your family time as a unit if 3 or 5

YABU referring to yourself as feeling like a single parent as you’re on your own for one day a week 4 months of the year .

Is there something you can do just you and toddler on Saturdays?
Make it your own little routine?
Swimming lesson, or a trip to the library, toddler soft play and lunch in a cafe after, or picnic lunch in the lounge when you get home?
I get that it might feel alot, but it is just a few months and you get Sundays together (I presume, you haven't said you don't).
I appreciate it might feel like he is choosing to spend time away from you, and thats tough.
Lots of families dont have full weekends together for various reasons.
My OH works long days and unpredictable shift patterns, so is often working one or both of the weekend days.

This is why DH chose to give up cricket... he daid he was missing too much family life when the children were young.

He isnt unreasonabke to want a hobby. Some areas have a midweek league which might be a good compromise?

The cricket season isn’t all year round? Why ‘never’ a Saturday? Either way YABU, you knew the deal from the start, and your toddler won’t be small and challenging forever. This is nothing like being a single parent

I appreciate that his hobby is very important to him, but how much time is he actually getting with his children, if he's doing this? Does he make an effort to spend extra time with them on other days when the seasons on? Does he try and do a bit of extra around the house on the other days to make sure you arent ending up doing it by default because you are the one whose there?

We both work. He works shifts so sometimes he works Sundays. I really appreciate these responses as it's one of those issues that's been going round and round in my head for weeks (if not years), and I get to the stage where I don't know whether I'm being unreasonable! He is a good husband and father, but the cricket is bordering on an obsession for him. I suppose I just have to suck it up! He does say that I should get a hobby on e.g. Sundays but that would leave little time for family life, which I really value.

You married a cricketer. You must have known this was something important to him and now you are trying to change him.

I share your pain. Husband trail hunts so is gone every Saturday between September and May 7am till 6 and often evenings in the week too.