DH hobby - AIBU?

[sanctuary86]

Honest advice needed.

DH and I have been together for 5 years and share 1 child together (aged 2 1/2). We each have an older child from previous marriages (teens).

We live in SE England and DH has always been very active in cricket (since he was very young). He plays every Saturday in local towns and villages up to one hour's drive away, sometimes close by though. It's a full day, from late morning until 7/8/9pm.

He never misses a game and is reluctant to miss a match even to go on holidays. Recently, I have really started to suffer from never having a Saturday together as a family. I don't really look forward to my weekends any more, as I'm left home alone with the toddler. If he is playing the match at home we usually pop down to watch for a few hours, but never more than that. I've started feeling like I'm a single parent, left alone with our child and get so upset about it.

I'm not sure whether I'm being unreasonable feeling like this. I want to spend some Saturdays with my DH as a family. Not every Saturday, but I would like to have at least some. I am genuinely happy for him to play as it his absolute passion and a release for him. But I don't think he understands at all what my issue is.

Sometimes he can be quite understanding and says he will miss the odd match for me, but other times he his loses patience and says "do you want me to just quit and ruin my life?".

My ideal would be for him to just play home games and miss away matches, but I know he would never miss half the games.

He genuinely doesn't seem to understand why it upsets me so much. He even said "you're an independent woman, you don't need me in your weekend", which I found so hurtful.

Sometimes I start questioning whether I'm the unreasonable one for wanting him to miss a game or two in the first place, as it's clearly his real passion in life and always will be.

Please tell me your honest opinions.

WTF. How is he a prick?!?

Does he take the car when he plays, leaving you without easy transport?
What would annoy me (as well as all the other points raised), is the assumption that you’re the default childcare without your real consent. It’s just assumed that he can do whatever he wants and you’ll conform. Yes, I know it’s your child so childcare is part of the package but it doesn’t appear to be part of his
package and that’s not fair.
It would also piss me off all these people suggesting to go along and watch. I would rather chew my own arm off than spend hours doing that. Why do men think we women want to adore them from the touch line? Can you imagine for one moment the average man trotting along to watch his wife do her hobby? Unless it’s pole-dancing, it just wouldn’t happen.

But he already had a child when you met so you’d seen that this hadn’t stopped him playing every Saturday. Why did you think he’d be different with a child he had with you?

He is a selfish cunt.

There are three, in fact four, pillars here which need his time.
Time for him, time for you, time to be together as a family, time for his teen.

It's funny how often he works Sundays, but I guess never Saturdays.

He can't afford to play cricket every Saturday, he should look for a part time cricket arrangement.

Exactly!

@sanctuary86 you need a hobby from October to March every Saturday and he looks after ds.
Do you think he would agree to it? I don’t.

Had a friend whose dh played cricket, football as well as other sports and was missing every weekend throughout the year. Even had to get married on a Friday in February to avoid the matches. Totally selfish and even now in retirement still refuses to go on holiday during the cricket season.

I can see both sides. On the one hand you are right that he’s getting a lot of free time and leaving most of the parenting to you which is unfair. On the other hand this has been a consistent in his life since he was a child. Did he say he would give up some Saturdays before you had kids? It’s a bit unfair to accept the situation and then change the goal posts.

id be tempted to accept the cricket but do a hobby yourself that takes you out every Saturday all day from sept - March.

YABU for describing yourself as a single parent over a hobby, you're not. Cricket has a season, and it sounds like its invaluable for your DH health. You presumably also knew about his cricket prior to getting married and having a baby.

I think you should start a hobby where you are out a good chunk of the Sunday and leave him alone with the toddler. He's an independent man after all isn't he?

It is so interesting to see the breadth of replies here. Thank you for the replies, it is so helpful to read them all and get some perspective. I err from thinking I want to divorce him and go it alone, to accepting the cricket and being happy for him.

To answer a few questions:
His previous relationship did not end due to cricket (I think his ex didn't like it, but just accepted it). He did, however, have a previous marriage (no children) that ended due to his hobby
He generally doesn't have to work many Saturdays, so it is lucky for him in that respect! He hates missing a game and has used banked time on the rare Saturday afternoon he has to work.
I think what frustrates me most, like others have said, is being the default parent, with no consideration of whether I want to do stuff on my weekend. It also rules out big day trips, as I prefer to do those together and not alone. It's also during the best months of the year! It's just very presumptuous.
He does pull his weight the other time, to give him his dues. E.g. he gets up on Sundays with toddler, I choose what we do (either together or alone). I understand people saying he's a selfish prick (!) but he does try to earn brownie points the rest of the week....

I do often think that if we hadn't had a child together, I don't think I would be with him. It's obviously an issue for us as we will often bicker about it. He's a very all-or-nothing person when it comes to sport. I really am conflicted. I think the best course is to be pragmatic and sit down and decide which games he will miss etc. At least then I can plan my solo time. Whether that's enough remains to be told!

For the replies saying I knew what I was getting into. That's a fair point, but I guess the reality of having a toddler and a DH who plays cricket is often quite different to what you might envisage. I knew how obsessed with cricket he is so it's no surprise at all that he continues to want to play every game.

So when does he see his other children? As usual a man putting himself and his wants first. Get yourself a hobby and he can use done of those hours to cover Sundays while you have some time for yourself and your mental health.

You see my DH and I both have big hobbies and we just take it in turns with the kids. He's away a lot of weekends as he's a racing driver and when I'm away with my hobby he takes over.

Our hobbies are very important to us and yes, we sacrifice family time but we make up for it going on many family holidays and we usually have at least one day on a weekend to spend as a family.

I do get where you're coming from, but I also understand it from his point of view as well.

I also don't feel that guilty being away from my kid because my daughter has a lovely relationship with her dad, and I'm not just 'mummy'. I need more than that which is why I've got my hobby as well.

A few hours is different to every weekend - all weekend and during the evenings too as admitted by said person.

But hey some ppl have kids as they actually want to be with their kids not spend all weekend away from them and then back to work on a monday. I mean why have kids?

No, I've never posted before.

Why did you not have this conversation in advance of having a child together? You say his last marriage ended because of cricket, you were with him for years before having a child so it did it not come up before then?

If you have a lots of holiday together, usually spend one day in a weekend as a family and the other days are split between him being away with a hobby and you being away with a hobby, it sound absolutely ok.

It's really different in OP's case - during the nice season he is away every Saturday and works part of the Sundays.
It means some weekends there is zero days left. And the others, the OP has a choice between her time and family time. Not exactly fair.

I think what surprises me about this is that it's just village cricket, which normally doesn't require anything like the sort of commitment that, say, professional cricket does. In most village teams it's recognised that people will have to miss occasional games due to other commitments so the membership of the team tends to be a revolving one. I'm not sure if this is a case of your DH thinking he is indispensable to the team, or just that he loves it so much that he doesn't want to miss a match.

It's quite sad, though, that he claims his whole enjoyment of life is based in this rather than his child and family. What would your husband do if, say, he were injured and unable to play any more?

"most people replied that it's perfectly normal for an adult to have a hobby"

Way to miss the point. It's not him having a hobby per se that's the issue here but the fact that it takes out a whole day of every weekend for the entire Spring/Summer with no care or concern on his part as to the impact on the OP and their family life. She is there to facilitate his choices.

Your DH can not be in a team and not play - except if sick or a wedding etc.
You are unreasonable.

Choose another time in the week for family connection.
Decide to attend more games. Away places might offer opportunity for seeing something new. Are there other players with small children? What do they do?

Or call Saturday your day to decide your own plans.
I would be making sure that DSC is going to cricket if at your home though, if not old enough to stay home alone.

Maybe he needs to find some less demanding team?

It's not reasonable to be away every Saturday, work part of the Sundays and expect the OP to take solo care of his child all the time.

Why should the OP spend her Saturdays on cricket as well? It's not like she would be able to play herself if she would fall for the sport.

You need to start doing those day trips. Without him. Yes, it's nice if he comes but he's not going to, so why should you and your child miss out? Go and live life, like he is. Incidentally, my doing that is what made my DH take stock of his hobby.

That's good advice. Now the toddler is getting a bit older I think I will plan some little trips away. Part of me wants to make him jealous etc and make him see there's more to life than cricket, which is childish I know. But I'm just being totally honest. I'm certainly harbouring a fair bit of resentment, which is hard to deal with sometimes.

Cricket is a pain as it is really long! I feel your pain. Expecting him to miss all away matches isn't ok as it leaves the rest of the team to pick up the slack. But expecting the odd weekend to do something is reasonable. I hate not being able to make plans with 'couple' friends etc. One thing I have made clear is that he needs to do his share of house jobs in the week not on Sunday so we have one day clear. Stop picking up any slack for him and don't be there with dinner ready etc. I would also leave him all day the odd Sunday so he can manage on his own and see how it feels.