DH hobby - AIBU?

[sanctuary86]

Honest advice needed.

DH and I have been together for 5 years and share 1 child together (aged 2 1/2). We each have an older child from previous marriages (teens).

We live in SE England and DH has always been very active in cricket (since he was very young). He plays every Saturday in local towns and villages up to one hour's drive away, sometimes close by though. It's a full day, from late morning until 7/8/9pm.

He never misses a game and is reluctant to miss a match even to go on holidays. Recently, I have really started to suffer from never having a Saturday together as a family. I don't really look forward to my weekends any more, as I'm left home alone with the toddler. If he is playing the match at home we usually pop down to watch for a few hours, but never more than that. I've started feeling like I'm a single parent, left alone with our child and get so upset about it.

I'm not sure whether I'm being unreasonable feeling like this. I want to spend some Saturdays with my DH as a family. Not every Saturday, but I would like to have at least some. I am genuinely happy for him to play as it his absolute passion and a release for him. But I don't think he understands at all what my issue is.

Sometimes he can be quite understanding and says he will miss the odd match for me, but other times he his loses patience and says "do you want me to just quit and ruin my life?".

My ideal would be for him to just play home games and miss away matches, but I know he would never miss half the games.

He genuinely doesn't seem to understand why it upsets me so much. He even said "you're an independent woman, you don't need me in your weekend", which I found so hurtful.

Sometimes I start questioning whether I'm the unreasonable one for wanting him to miss a game or two in the first place, as it's clearly his real passion in life and always will be.

Please tell me your honest opinions.

Take your little one and go watch and get to know other wives /girlfriends/families, it can be very social

Agree with this, it’s lovely and generally cricket clubs are lovely family friendly spaces with room to
play

YABU.

He never misses a game and is reluctant to miss a match even to go on holidays. Recently, I have really started to suffer from never having a Saturday together as a family. I don't really look forward to my weekends any more, as I'm left home alone with the toddler. If he is playing the match at home we usually pop down to watch for a few hours, but never more than that. I've started feeling like I'm a single parent, left alone with our child and get so upset about it.

Cricket happens from April / May until the end of August.
How can you claim to "never have a Saturday together as a family" ?
This surely leaves 8 months of Saturdays you can spend together. Plus, of course the ones where you go down to the club.

You could reasonably ask him to come home sooner after the match finishes, but you can't ask someone committed to their team (any sport) to "only play home matches".

But when you got together with him, he already had school aged DCs, and he chose to prioritise his hobby over seeing them at the weekends. What made you think he’d be a better dad to your child than he was to his existing DCs?

(Was his hobby and selfishness around that part of why his previous relationship ended?)

That might work if he didn’t already have kids… you knew exactly how this would be.

You can't ask a dad who committed to have a child to actually parent! Heaven forbid!

This gets me because you said he doesn’t see his older daughter on Saturdays during cricket season so you must think your child should be held in higher regard and that’s not a sign of a healthy blended family imo.

And what would his response be if you disappeared off all day every Saturday, October-March?

I can see both sides.

From your perspective, it is shite being alone with young kids all weekend even everyone is doing family stuff. My husband worked weekends (chef) so I was alone most evenings and weekday nights. At least it was work, although it doesn’t make it any less difficult. My husband has always very much pulled his weight but at least when he had the kids when I was at work there were groups on etc, and then they went to nursery and school.

So you are not unreasonable to feel as you do.

On the other hand, it seems this has been a massive part of his life. And presumably was before you had the child together. I don’t think you are wrong to ask him to do less though, but I don’t know how it would impact his place or the team as a whole?

I do hope you are able to get some time for yourself though, OP, as that’s important too x

He’s a selfish git who doesn’t seem to care if you are there or not.

I feel your pain I used to be an angling widow and when the resentment sets in you feel it.
I often think about a friend's dad who played cricket when we were young. He crammed 4 or 5 of us in the mini with his cricket gear every Saturday from us being about 5 years old and we would watch and play on the swings every week wherever he played leaving the house at 12.30 not getting back till 8.30. - 9 depending how long he spent in the pub after! His wife would go into town every Saturday with her sister-in-law. A bottle of pop and a bag of crisps and the scraping of leftover sandwiches from the cricket tea kept us going all afternoon. Very happy Saturdays for us kids and we were never bored. All the dads brought their kids and other people's kids. Don't think it would work now unfortunately for you OP.
I do love watching cricket. But I often wonder what the conversation was between friend's parents whether it was you can go if you take the kids or whether he wanted to take them anyway. He used to take us all swimming on a Saturday morning and cut the grass before he went!
When my ex-husband went on his constant fishing trips I just did my own thing with the kids till the point when I didn't want to do anything with him anymore.

The problem is, men don't see it this way. I think because biologically, women are the ones who go through pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding, that our lives absolutely change and we are (generally speaking), 100% devoted to caring for our children. Men just don't "get it", because they aren't biologically necessary when it comes to caring for and raising children. Sorry, if I'm not wording this very well, I'm tired and ill at the moment.

I had an issue during my first pregnancy with my DH when I asked him to give up his football season ticket, so that we could have family time at weekends. I didn't see him Monday-Friday as he worked away from home, so I didn't want him fucking off for a whole day every weekend, and if on the Saturday, then him being hung over on the Sunday. He barked at me that I was "trying to change him" 🙄 I reminded him that he was an adult man who was about to become a father and therefore had responsibilities. Sure, he wasn't happy, and he did make me feel guilty about it, but he soon got over it, and now years later, he got his season ticket back once the children were older & by then I was happy for him to be out for a whole day most weekends 😂

Sorry for the ramble @sanctuary86 basically, men are wired differently to us, and are generally selfish when it comes to their 'free time'. I understand your frustrations, I'd be annoyed too. His incessant need for his obsession leaves you without the ability to have one for yourself, or feel respected and supported in raising your joint child. He's a selfish man.

Have you considered getting a calendar, marking off all the Saturdays that he plays cricket (say it’s 20) and then mark up 20 Saturdays from Sept onwards (or whenever cricket finishes) that you get to do your own thing.

He works or you have a family day on Sunday and then either you or he get Sat to spend as you want for your “portion” of the year. I can’t see him really “getting” how you feel until he has several months of parenting by himself, so it may not solve the problem this year, but it may do for the future.

OP my DH is a massive footy fan. He always was, from a young lad. He goes to home and away matches, midweek and weekends. I’m not saying this to diss him – it was how he was when we met, and unlike a PP, I didn’t think it was fair to ask him to give it up. It's great for people to have a social life, an outlet, something they like to do.

The footy season is a lot longer than cricket as well – I am assuming as others say that we are talking end April to start Sept – so about five months? So you can do your family things on the winter Saturdays? Or on the summer Sundays?

Tbh once your DC is older you might find weekend commitments for them pick up anyway. I was never able to keep Saturdays or Sundays free for family time when my DC were small (though I have three).

Your Dh loves his cricket and it is a longstanding commitment. Yes if he said he couldn't come to any away matches he could soon be dropped from the team.

I take issue btw with those who imply only men are keen on sport. I have a sport I follow and also volunteer for – it can take up my whole weekend in the summer (certainly in May/June). I love it and it is a real outlet for me.

I think the way forward as suggested might be to do a special Saturday activity with your DC.

I understand your point OP but you need to reframe your thinking on this.
Don't let resentment destroy your marriage which seems like a good one.
It isn't every Saturday and you knew that he was obsessed with cricket when you met him.
As others have said, use the Saturdays when he is at cricket as a special time with your daughter. I fully appreciate that it's very hard work caring for a young child but if you are a single parent, in many cases you are doing all the parenting (emotional /financial /practical) 24/7. You have stated that your husband is a good father and husband.
Treasure what you have.

Tbh once your DC is older you might find weekend commitments for them to pick up anyway. I was never able to keep Saturdays and Sundays free for family time when my DC were small

I don’t see how that’s meant to make OP feel better tbh. She’ll be the one that has to take them to all these commitments - every sports club, swimming lesson, birthday party etc. That's worse than now when she can at least do something fun!
I wonder if he’ll willingly take on a few months of the Saturday children activities once cricket finishes?

It’s obviously a really important part of his life so don’t try and take that away from him. Enjoy the time with your daughter on Saturdays - believe me, these years will be gone in a flash. Make sure that Sundays are family days and maybe get your partner to give you some time to pursue a hobby during the week.

What would happen if you did get a hobby for Sunday and he had work?
Perhaps you should do it anyway so he can see how unfair he is being.
His hobby dominates all the good weather months and you are not afforded the same.
He is selfish, when and how often does he see his older child?

Oh, I just meant I never see the thing about "family time" all day on a Saturday. To do what? We used to do "family things" as in things the people in the family wanted to do. So DH went to footy, often taking 1 or more DC with him, the others had commitments at music centre or sports training or drama club. I never found taking the kids to these activities a big drain or an issue at all tbh. I used to really enjoy doing things with them or watching them doing things they enjoyed (or just dropping them somewhere I knew they had fun at). DH btw took them to plenty of things when I was busy elsewhere.

I don't agree the DH is obsessed btw. He enjoys a sport which keeps him active and gives him a social life. I hope no one is saying about me that I am obsessed with athletics. I don't think my DH is obsessed with football. It's his hobby, that's all.

I was wondering when someone would say this. I guess it's old fashioned but a lot of village cricket has wives and ex players and general club members hanging around all day and being sociable. Not sure it would be my cup of tea, but playing in a team is usually a positive thing for general mental health and social connections outside work.

At least he doesn’t play in an indoor winter league! DD does. March is our only cricket-free month!

What’s happening on the weekends outside of cricket season?
Generally do you get equal free time?

It's because it lasts all day.
I'd be more relaxed about someone playing a sport than just watching some blokes on a football team kicking a ball around.
Make sure you're doing stuff for yourself on a Sunday sometimes.

It’s not fair & I don’t blame you. You both work yet he gets an automatic out from all responsibilities & will do nothing else but that thing on those days or Saturdays. It’s basically just grossly unfair. It’s the male entitlement thing imo because it’s socially sanctioned as being completely acceptable & oh men love their sports etc. But they’re all built on the proviso that a woman is holding everything else together while they get to indulge in itt. I think it would be a real shock to his system if instead of facilitating him & his hobby on Saturdays you organised your entire life around a hobby on a Sunday. Or what if you wanted a hobby that competes for Saturdays? The point is you’d never get so completely obsessed by something to that degree. Sadly there are a lot of cricket, football, rugby & cycling & golf oh god golf! widows all over - many who’ve felt so secondary & stuck with the drudge work it broke their marriages. Your DH sounds like a good dad & husband & involved at home. But what if you ever wanted a Saturday to do something nice? I do think he needs to know how much it’s othering you. But if it’s so ingrained he’s hardly going to give it up. Is he a cricket bore at home as well or does he at least leave it on the pitch. I couldn’t deal with it but then you get men who are obsessed with other hobbies like DIY or man in shed things & their wives are widows too. Men 🙄

What makes you think he "doesn't parent" ?

When ours were little, both dh and I agreed it was important we both carried on doing at least one of the things we each enjoyed. So, during that time, the other one looked after the dc. We were both still parents. Just neither of us needed to be with our dc 24/7 to somehow showcase that.

Having friends and doing things without the dc is important to lots of people and has all sorts of benefits to people.