DH hobby - AIBU?

[sanctuary86]

Honest advice needed.

DH and I have been together for 5 years and share 1 child together (aged 2 1/2). We each have an older child from previous marriages (teens).

We live in SE England and DH has always been very active in cricket (since he was very young). He plays every Saturday in local towns and villages up to one hour's drive away, sometimes close by though. It's a full day, from late morning until 7/8/9pm.

He never misses a game and is reluctant to miss a match even to go on holidays. Recently, I have really started to suffer from never having a Saturday together as a family. I don't really look forward to my weekends any more, as I'm left home alone with the toddler. If he is playing the match at home we usually pop down to watch for a few hours, but never more than that. I've started feeling like I'm a single parent, left alone with our child and get so upset about it.

I'm not sure whether I'm being unreasonable feeling like this. I want to spend some Saturdays with my DH as a family. Not every Saturday, but I would like to have at least some. I am genuinely happy for him to play as it his absolute passion and a release for him. But I don't think he understands at all what my issue is.

Sometimes he can be quite understanding and says he will miss the odd match for me, but other times he his loses patience and says "do you want me to just quit and ruin my life?".

My ideal would be for him to just play home games and miss away matches, but I know he would never miss half the games.

He genuinely doesn't seem to understand why it upsets me so much. He even said "you're an independent woman, you don't need me in your weekend", which I found so hurtful.

Sometimes I start questioning whether I'm the unreasonable one for wanting him to miss a game or two in the first place, as it's clearly his real passion in life and always will be.

Please tell me your honest opinions.

Get a week day evening hobby

He is very good around the house etc, and is tidy/cleans lots. I do think spending time together as a family is less important to him than me. E.g. I don't think it would especially bother him if we didn't go on family holidays etc.

I completely understand your point of view however hobbies like this (especially for men) are a bit of a life line with mental health etc.

You should definitely be given time to yourself else where. He should be picking up the slack and returning the favour by getting the kids out on a Sunday morning or doing a school pick up and taking them swimming and out for tea or something similar.

Also he should be making the effort to be present and having quality time with you all when he’s not at cricket to make up for the big chunk of time he’s spending away.

You’re not unreasonable for feeling the way you do and he’s not unreasonable for wanting to continue his hobby. You need to compromise and meet in the middle. Maybe sometimes he doesn’t hang around afterwards for post match drinks and catch up, maybe sometimes he’ll plan a special family day for the Sunday for you all. It needs to be a bit of give and take.

The cricket season isn’t all year round, book your holidays for when he’s not playing or tell him to pick one match that he’d be happy to miss and do it that week. Then he has control of which one is missed.

Alternatively, go Sunday to Friday on holiday.

My son gave up cricket and marathons because they didn’t fit with family life

His son’s cricket is now taking a lot of time

Your husband’s cricket isn’t every Saturday of the year, and he could be home earlier

It does seem to be a bit obsessive, arguably better than golf

You should be able to have a summer holiday

If he does shifts and you work, is it one of those situations where your child is in childcare mon-Fri 9-5 to cover your hours as his shifts move all over the place and can’t be predicted?

if so he probably gets a lot more childfree time than you do as there will be times when he’s off while your child is in childcare.

what about your teens? You say he has a teen and you have a teen from a previous relationship. Does he not see his teen at all on Saturdays or are they left with you?

@sanctuary86 was cricket the reason his first marriage failed?

Also, you have a teenager so you have experience of spending time with a toddler so knew what you were getting yourself into when you decided to do it all again.

If he works shifts that sometimes include Sundays, what would happen if you got a hobby that took up all your Sundays for four months a year?

He would never see his teenaged child on a Saturday, because of cricket. Unless she went to watch him!

I was in a similar position when DS was young. DH supports a football team about 80miles away and that was a 10 hour job (used to visit parents) I used to moan about it. Fast forward 8 years and DH and DS disappear on a Saturday and I get a full day to myself 😁

There’s every chance your kids will follow in DHs footsteps

Yes, it's a good point. I wouldn't be able to pursue a hobby on a Sunday if he were working.

It's April to September

I think your feelings are valid OP. You’re a cricket widow during the season & your DH is fanatical about it. It’s not fair to say oh get a hobby yourself on a Sunday because you want some support & input in family & parenting. It’s a tough one esp as society has been organised largely around men & their hobbies/sports which are almost sacrosanct & you seen as a troublemaker if you don’t comply & respect it in all its glory. I mean all the sports coverage & the extent to which some men are obsessed by it is nuts. However it’s probably crept up since your relationship where you’re seen as the unreasonable one if you voice any concerns, or are being needy or a control freak if you want him to do it less. And yes hobbies are healthy but preoccupation & obsession aren’t IMO. I went out with a football obsessive & it was ridiculous. He couldn’t live any part of his life without some reference to or contact with it in some shape or form virtually daily /hourly. I sympathise. I guess the only saving grace is that it sounds like cricket is a relatively short season. So I hope you get to see more of him when it finishes. Unless he’s doing training & coaching & nets & everything else during the winter.
YANBU imo.

Really good advice, thank you. I do feel being stuck in the middle of toddlerhood is challenging although he is a good child 99% of the time!! I'm probably just resentful that he gets to have a fun Saturday and I'm left holding the baby

I can understand why you find it difficult. My ex husband was/is a regular cricketer at weekends in the summer and would also do nets for a period in the winter time every week. It was a bit of a strain at times in the marriage as he worked full time, was doing his cricket for hours at a time at weekends so for many months there wasn’t much quality time with our Son together. The following day after a match he was usually exhausted and wouldn’t want to do anything.

I also tried occasionally to go along to matches closer to home with friends and our Son and we’d have a picnic and watch the match and catch up in breaks etc which was nice.

I think it’s reasonable that he misses some matches, probably asking him to only be doing home matches is a bit excessive though. It might be worth looking at his timetable and agreeing together in advance what matches he will be prepared to miss. Maybe a few over the season.

My ex and I review this still each Summer, otherwise these days he would never see his Son! Cricket would come first if it could otherwise!!

Why did you think he would become less interested in cricket when you had a child? He didn't stop playing when you were first dating or first started living together. Did he give any indication he played less when his teenager was a young child? What does he do on Saturdays, out of the cricket season? You can ask him to miss some Saturdays but only playing home matches would be very unfair on his teammates. He'll age out eventually but might take up umpiring.
.

Agree with everything you say! What I find hard is keeping that simmering resentment at bay (leaving me with our child all day!). I hate that it's just a given that he's busy on a Saturday and therefore I have to give up my Saturday....

This^
Yes, it’s a seasonal hobby, it’s good to have a hobby, OP is independent woman ( and not a single parent) etc etc but … you can’t expect your life stay the same after having a partner and young child, you just can’t.
And of course OP going out on Sundays won’t give her what she is after - family time.

I don’t mind hobbies in general but OP’s husband has the wrong attitude plus family holiday in summer shouldn’t be affected.

This is what he says to me. It is a fair point but I do feel that once you have kids your priorities have to become more flexible

He genuinely doesn't seem to understand why it upsets me so much. He even said "you're an independent woman, you don't need me in your weekend", which I found so hurtful.

His toddler isn't independent & needs him in his life.

How about if he has to work on a day at the weekend, then he misses cricket to be a father & spend time with you & toddler?

I’m an Everton Season Ticket holder. Between mid August and mid May, the fixture list basically dictates my (and by extension), my DH’s weekend plans.

In exchange, he gets complete carte blanche to spend hours at the gym working out without being disturbed, at least 5 times a week.

Cricket is a much more seasonal sport, and as he’s part of a team, I appreciate why he doesn’t want to miss away games and let the others down.

I’m sure there are reasonable compromises you can come to together to ensure he gets his time to enjoy the pastime he loves and you also get to spend quality time as a family.

If he doesn't see his other child on a Saturday I'm not sure why you expected your child the be any different.

The cricket season is short. I'd be asking him that he did miss it if there was a special occasion for either you as a family or for you to attend, and expect him to pick up the slack elsewhere. DH used to play football every Saturday when the children were small (and the season is long) and would often be out the house 12-7 if it was an away match and he had to wait for a lift (he didn't drive then). But if there was something important we or I had to do he had to miss it. And I always went out for a couple of hours running on Saturday morning first!

I made sure I really had plenty of my own hobby time (I am also sporty but not team sports) and it is good he is keeping fit and mental health etc etc. You still have 8 months of the year to have full weekends. I'm of the school that doesn't think you need to spend all of your time together anyway, I think it's good for kids to see parents have their own interests, as long as you get them too. He does need to be willing to discuss it though.

If he didn’t change for his first child, why would he change for this one.

No she married and had a child with a man who then expects his responsibilities not to exist while he continues with his life unchanged.

He can ensure he has saturdays off work for his cricket but not ensure he has time to parent his own child.