DH hobby - AIBU?

[sanctuary86]

Honest advice needed.

DH and I have been together for 5 years and share 1 child together (aged 2 1/2). We each have an older child from previous marriages (teens).

We live in SE England and DH has always been very active in cricket (since he was very young). He plays every Saturday in local towns and villages up to one hour's drive away, sometimes close by though. It's a full day, from late morning until 7/8/9pm.

He never misses a game and is reluctant to miss a match even to go on holidays. Recently, I have really started to suffer from never having a Saturday together as a family. I don't really look forward to my weekends any more, as I'm left home alone with the toddler. If he is playing the match at home we usually pop down to watch for a few hours, but never more than that. I've started feeling like I'm a single parent, left alone with our child and get so upset about it.

I'm not sure whether I'm being unreasonable feeling like this. I want to spend some Saturdays with my DH as a family. Not every Saturday, but I would like to have at least some. I am genuinely happy for him to play as it his absolute passion and a release for him. But I don't think he understands at all what my issue is.

Sometimes he can be quite understanding and says he will miss the odd match for me, but other times he his loses patience and says "do you want me to just quit and ruin my life?".

My ideal would be for him to just play home games and miss away matches, but I know he would never miss half the games.

He genuinely doesn't seem to understand why it upsets me so much. He even said "you're an independent woman, you don't need me in your weekend", which I found so hurtful.

Sometimes I start questioning whether I'm the unreasonable one for wanting him to miss a game or two in the first place, as it's clearly his real passion in life and always will be.

Please tell me your honest opinions.

You mention he works shifts, does he miss cricket for work on Saturday?

Cricket used to be the bane of my existence for exactly the same reasons youve listed above!
My husband gave up 2 seasons ago after we had been together for nearly 10 years.
I think the final tipping point for him was he missed the first crawling of our third child on a game they lost rather badly and he finally said whats the point.

No advice just solidarity!

Presumably some of the other men on the team have wives and children too . What do they do . I thought cricket was a family friendly, cream teas type of thing . And only played in good weather , so why can't you go along ? Or find something else to do . Telling men you just want them to be around more seems to be an alien concept. Unless there is something organized it seems too vague for them.

Put in the other way around , what if you were part of a team that played competitively at weekends . I wouldn't like to be told I need to be at home . Just because you don't have that type of thing in your life , don't dismiss a life long passion as being ditched . He should be able to play cricket and be a good father too.

Didn't you already ask about this last week, OP? If so, you'll remember that most people replied that it's perfectly normal for an adult to have a hobby.

Selfishness personified.

As he works shifts, would it be possible for you to have a day to yourself during the week while he looks after the toddler? During the cricket season, I mean. Even if you have to take A/L, a day to yourself would be great.

Not helpful but it could be a lot worse. There is Wednesday night cricket, Sunday cricket, indoor cricket in the evening, not to mention golf once a week.

Sport and exercise are really important to me and my husband; I understand the wellbeing side of this. We have a baby but neither of us does activities that take us away so frequently for whole days for a large portion of the year. This is partly luck - neither of us loves cricket, golf or similar sports - and I understand your husband having a passion.

That said, @sanctuary86, it really isn’t fair that you’re solo parenting every Saturday for such a large portion of the year. I would suggest that you sit down together and look at the season in advance and make a plan, and that this includes something like:

1. One or two games that he will miss, without complaint, so you can go on holiday.
2. A couple of Sundays that you will have completely to yourself (and get some things arranged for these). I know you’re keen to prioritise family time but you may be less resentful and more present for this on the other Sundays.
3. A regular Sunday morning slot he has with the children, even if just to make them breakfast or do a short activity for a couple of hours, while you lie in/have a walk/ do a gym class.
4. A couple of whole family Sunday days out, so you know you’ve got nice things planned.
5. A couple of times when you will come down to the club and watch for an hour or two with the children - you may find this actually enjoyable when you have a fairer plan in place generally. (I enjoyed going to see my Dad play cricket when I was a child, but I was lucky as the ground was rural so lots of running around was possible and there were other children there).

It's a short season, so you don't have this all the time. I'd accept it for the four months a year, as long as it would also be okay for you to have a hobby too, if you want one. I wouldn't go and watch the games though, unless you enjoy them. That's hard with a 2.5 year old to entertain at the same time.

My DH is a runner. When he decided he wanted to run marathons, he took off training most of Saturday but it was all year round. I decided if he was going to do that, with the expectation we'd be waiting for him to be available to do anything mind you, that I was just going to get on with my own life and not wait for him. The first time I took the kids out and we had a great time without him, he didn't like being left out one bit. He soon changed his schedule when it impacted him.

First marathon, I was at the finishing line. He told me what time he expected to finish, so I made sure I was there to take the photo of him crossing the finish line. He finished an hour and a bit later than he predicted, which was really hard with the crowds and trying to wrangle the kids. I told him he could do his runs (which weren't always marathons) but I wouldn't be at the finish line as it was just too hard. I also didn't fancy the early morning starts, very early, to get to the location, fight for parking too. Somehow he decided he didn't have to do these runs when he realised we wouldn't be hanging around for him. Not sure why it was so important for us to be waiting to stroke his ego at the finish line for him to want to do it.

In other words, let them have their hobby but you can set boundaries around and it not let it impact your life more than it has to.

Sorry what's because it lasts all day?

I guess my DH fails then as he doesn't play sport, he "just watches some blokes on a football team kicking a ball around".

Don't worry tho, I do stuff for myself on Saturdays and Sundays :). This is the first weekend this month when I haven't been out both days (or all three) at my sport (which I guess is just watching (supporting) some runners, jumpers and throwers flinging themselves about on an athletics track; I like it tho).

They have a young child together. You seriously think nothing should change for him?

I guess you knew what you were getting into? If he doesn't mind missing the odd match for important things, like a family holiday, it's ok imo. As long as he keeps a balance. I presume nothing in the winter, so plenty of time together then.

Can you arrange to see your own family and friends on the occasional Saturday? Have fun with you and the little one with good company. Won't feel like you're missing out so much if do your own thing too. You don't have to visit him at a match, nor do you have to sit at home waiting for him. Turn it into something positive!

Totally agree we're wired differently to men. I could take up a hobby that requires a whole day each weekend, but I wouldn't want to not be there for my children....he just doesn't see it that way.

Really appreciate this response

I am really surprised that nobody has picked up on DH saying if he gives up cricket it will ruin his life. Sorry, what??!! Spending time with his wife and child would ruin his life? The only thing worth anything in his life is cricket?

This is a disgusting thing to say

When you said that he chooses to go off and do his thing which is the most important to him above his kids and why you made excuses about him saying you cannot ask a man to stop his love to parent the kids he says he loves...but clearly loves something else more.

So you both didn't parent much then? Yeah it benefits you a lot. Kids not so much.

As a fellow cricket widow I completely agree with you. I don't agree that it's "only" 4 months. That 4 months also happens to be the only decent weather in the year. And it's 50% of the weekend for 4 months. My DH now plays for a team who is less competitive. It means he doesn't have to play every single match and you don't get penalised for only playing certain games. They can all dip in and out a bit more. They are lower down the league admittedly but it makes it workable with a family.

So basically every Saturday of the warm weather

DH has played rugby since he was five years old. I wouldn’t stop him from playing.

I work full time so enjoy having DD to myself on a Saturday. We do family stuff on a Sunday and I also do my own hobby whilst DH spends time with her.

How much parenting does he do with toddler, his teen? When you weren’t on the scene how much did he see his older child?

That's really judgemental.

I think if parents are happy, kids are happy. If the parents have an agreement that they take turns in doing the hobby they both enjoyed, what on earth is wrong with that? It's really important to keep a balance in life and can help stop parental burnout. How many times on here to we encourage mum's to get a few hours to themselves when they are shattered and stressed? Loads.

Women marry men expecting them to change. Men marry women expecting them to stay the same.

If you marry a man who already has a child and hasn't given up their hobby, don't act surprised when he doesn't do it next time round either.

You need to dump family time for a little while and give him an understanding of solo parenting time. Go out Sunday. And book yourself the weekend away solo the first non cricket weekend post the season. Say firmly you’re an independent man, I don’t understand what the issue is. If he says but ds! You say excuse me? You have never mentioned ds when I’ve said you being away every Saturday is hard. You said I was an independent woman, you compleltey failed to acknowledge that we had a baby and you aren’t taking responsibility as a dad or acknowledging the effort solo parenting is. You’re a dad too and you need to facilitate me being an independent woman, unless you just meant shut up and look after our baby woman?

dump family time for a while. Make sure he solo parents for some time every weekend. Loudly explain the load he’s putting on you if he’s just babysitting and hes not also looked after the house and washing and cooking like you do. Insist on respect for you, because currently that’s not there and there’s no long term happiness for you without it. When he’s willing to talk you need to draw some firm boundaries.

This man seems to work a lot of Sunday and Rugby isn’t the entire day. It’s a different load, to be clear. If your hobby takes up all your non working time, then your family should move on and find someone who cares about them.

Just go out every Sunday for 10 hours and leave him at home with your toddler.

If he wanted to spend family time with you, he would do so.

Don’t have another baby with him.