DH hobby - AIBU?

[sanctuary86]

Honest advice needed.

DH and I have been together for 5 years and share 1 child together (aged 2 1/2). We each have an older child from previous marriages (teens).

We live in SE England and DH has always been very active in cricket (since he was very young). He plays every Saturday in local towns and villages up to one hour's drive away, sometimes close by though. It's a full day, from late morning until 7/8/9pm.

He never misses a game and is reluctant to miss a match even to go on holidays. Recently, I have really started to suffer from never having a Saturday together as a family. I don't really look forward to my weekends any more, as I'm left home alone with the toddler. If he is playing the match at home we usually pop down to watch for a few hours, but never more than that. I've started feeling like I'm a single parent, left alone with our child and get so upset about it.

I'm not sure whether I'm being unreasonable feeling like this. I want to spend some Saturdays with my DH as a family. Not every Saturday, but I would like to have at least some. I am genuinely happy for him to play as it his absolute passion and a release for him. But I don't think he understands at all what my issue is.

Sometimes he can be quite understanding and says he will miss the odd match for me, but other times he his loses patience and says "do you want me to just quit and ruin my life?".

My ideal would be for him to just play home games and miss away matches, but I know he would never miss half the games.

He genuinely doesn't seem to understand why it upsets me so much. He even said "you're an independent woman, you don't need me in your weekend", which I found so hurtful.

Sometimes I start questioning whether I'm the unreasonable one for wanting him to miss a game or two in the first place, as it's clearly his real passion in life and always will be.

Please tell me your honest opinions.

Presumably he was playing cricket every Saturday before you married him and had a child together? Why wasn't it discussed beforehand?

That’s just excusing shit behaviour. It’s nothing to do with being a man or women. I’ve played a lot of sports growing up, men and women who belong to the clubs I do usually play every other weekend when they have young kids.

Me and DH met through sports and neither of us do the level of sports we used to because both of us value family time and neither of us are selfish.

What special about Saturdays? Sunday is traditionally family day isn't it?

He has a hobby that you knew about when you got together. Leave him be. You are not attached by a chain. Go find your own things to do and get over yourself.

I wasn't excusing shit behaviour, I was just saying why men think differently about it. I certainly don't condone their shit behaviour whatsoever, I'd have thought my issues with DH would have made that very clear.

It may not always have nothing to do with which sex you are but I had to give up my sport when I was 4 months pregnant and wasn't able to go back to it when my children were young. That's great that you could, but it's not possible for all women.

So why is it ok for a father of 2 to opt out of parenting on Saturdays? She's the default parent, not as easy as that to go find her own things to do with a 2yr old in tow. Telling her to get over herself, whilst condoning his lack of commitment to being a father is shocking.

I can't believe what an easy ride this twat is getting on here.

"cricket is important to him". Yes we all get that, we all have things that are super important to us. Some of us write novels or make art, some are great swimmers and runners or team players or actors.

But guess what, when we have children we have a few years where the things that we find fun and important to us personally... just aren't the most important things we have to do. It's maybe 5-10 years in total, could be up to 20 if we have a lot of kids, out of maybe 50 years of having healthy discretionary free time, as an adult. Having children isn't something you're forced to do. But if you do make that choice you need to accept that your hobbies really are less of a big deal for a while. Things you want to do - meh!! It's as clear as crystal the nature of the responsibility you have taken on, and the time and energy it requires, if you are a person of any character whatsoever.

I mean yeah you still CAN be an elite sportsperson or whatever but it then falls on someone else to do your share, whether you are a father or a mother.

It's exceptionally twattish to assume someone else will pick up your Saturday slack in parenting, and then when they mildly complain, belittle them and sneer that they are somehow not "independent". Well sunshine, you aren't "independent" in a family with a young child, you are "interdependent". Your wife may not want to go off by herself in a tit for tat way, she may just want you near to be with her and your shared child, sharing the parenting and bringing some weekend energy and fun. Going off to cricket and assuming OP will hold the fort is so selfish and pathetic.

He should be saying "I really want to play, it's x days, here's how to make it less burdensome - are you willing to look after little Hugo for those days? What could make it easier? OMG thank you so much! If you are willing that's so amazing, I will do all the Sunday mornings and get us a takeaway Sunday night, and let's book weekend away in x date. I am so lucky to have you". Tbh that might be all OP needs - basic tiny bit of respect and acknowledgement he doesn't have a right to assume she will do it.

This man is doubly pathetic because he ALREADY CHOSE TO HAVE TWO FAMILIES. Knowing how much time one family needs from him, how much children need from their parents after a divorce, he went off and started another.

And he's sacking all his children off now to play a stupid throwy ball hitty bat boys' game in a white jumper. Instead of thinking "How can I help my first child know I am there for them and how can I avoid the mistakes of my first marriage to ensure my new child is not left in the same position, how can I carefully devote every minute of my free time to the child I have injured by leaving them?" he is just going ME WANT PLAY BALLY BAT GAME like a whiny toddler.

I loathe him more, the more I think about it!

OP has already said he has a teen, yet has always played cricket.
The teen joins him at cricket.

Why would the OP think it would be different for his 2nd child ?

@Booboobagins he sometimes works on Sundays so no family days for him those weekends

That's hilarious.

How did you get that 'neither of us parented much', from what I said.
I literally said one of us looked after the dc when the other one was doing their activity, then visa versa.

As regards our dc not benefitting - I beg to differ. I think they have grown up benefiting from seeing us involved in our communities. They have all grown up to be adults I am proud of. We have a great relationship with all of them, and all of them have lives that involve getting involved in their own communities, sports, friendships, and social lives, which I see as being really healthy.

As a fellow cricket widow I feel your pain. When we had three small kids my DH played cricket. It did eventually get too much and was putting strain on our relationship. He quit for a few years and took up tennis which takes up much less time. He actually loves it just as much now. Now that our kids are older he has started playing cricket again for the social aspect. I’d try to find a way through it OP. I’m in my 50s now and honestly most of my friends are jealous that my DH has hobbies. Their husbands all seem to follow them around the house like toddlers which would drive me mad!

When he is home for the day (not working) leave the child with him and go our for some "me" time. Dont you have any female friends you cn meet for shopping or a meal in town?

Sounds like a brilliant guest house you are running there. Are you on Air b&b, Booking .com ?

I’m in my 50s now and honestly most of my friends are jealous that my DH has hobbies. Their husbands all seem to follow them around the house like toddlers which would drive me mad!

Can't we have slightly higher expectations for everyone? I would expect my DH to BOTH be present for his children when they are young AND have enough agency to have hid own identity and hobbies in later life. It is pretty easy to nail both these simple aspects of being a fun, curious and responsible human. I don't imagine it will cause me any difficulties whatsoever in the next 10 years.

Why is your expectation lower for men??

So you couldn’t deal and your dh understood this and quit for the hard baby young kid years but you recommend the Op suck it up? Out of curiosity did your dh also work some Sundays like the ops dh?

I agree. I divorced my ex when I realised that our children were less important to him than his hobbies.

This and draw up a rota for your child!!!
it’s hard as guessing you knew about this before you married and had a child…. As it’s not new thing.

Going against the grain, but I'd find this pretty annoying too tbh, and also have a two year old. Both me and my wife work full time and have a 2yo. I'd find it deeply unfair if she (we're both women) if she spent an entire day away from us every weekend for months on end. I'd be furious on behalf of DD, who imo needs both parents. Also, there are chores, I frankly want some help parenting my toddler all day, and I want us to have family time. Unfortunately when you have children you have to make sacrifices and your life changes. Particularly if you both work full time, an entire day for 6 months is a lot of missed family time and time leaving the other parent holding the fort. I actually think if the genders were reversed in this, you'd get a lot more comments saying it's not acceptable, that toddlers need their mum, etc, etc. And not being able to book a summer holiday due to any hobby is frankly ridiculous.

My wife plays a sport. She instead plays two evenings per week, and I do the same with my hobby. One of these nights overlap and I put toddler to sleep at my mum's house and stay there. So we still spend two evenings together, and the whole weekend, and we still have tea together before the hobbies. She will occasionally do a competition on a weekend (maybe once a month during competition season, a few months of the year), and I'll have a day free to go and do my hobby (probably more like every 2-3 months, but I'll also go out for an odd morning with a friend or etc). That's how we manage and it seems a far fairer split and is better for family life. Also what will he do when your child gets older and has their own hobbies? Is he going to miss their football competition because of his own hobby? Will be better expecting you to do all the running around for any Saturday hobby for 6 months of the year? It's a period of your life when you just have less time for personal ambitions and your own hobbies, and imo when you have kids you make a choice to suck it up for a few years and make some sacrifices.

I actually can't even fathom wanting to spend an entire day away from my toddler this often. I feel like I barely see her in the week, and by the time the weekend hits, I can't wait to spend time with her.

Me too. Our kids simply couldn’t play the sports they do if dh is unavailable on Saturday. One kid in my dcs basketball team has a dad in real estate so he’s working Saturdays. His grandpa helps with basketball driving every Saturday so the kids can play their sport. Neither mine nor dhs parents could do that, the kids wouldn’t be able to play. Or play cricket themselves unless the dhs plan is for the op to take her ds to cricket all day Saturday while he plays his match (no fucking way would be my view on that) . You’re objectively a bad parent if you continue investing time in your hobbies that also pulls up the drawbridge and stops your dc from starting their own or even your hobby, especially if all their friends do it.

You married a cricketer. You must have known this was something important to him and now you are trying to change him.

Well, whatever hobby, he's married with a child now. So it's selfish to leave mum and baby alone on a weekend day.
Every weekend!

You feel like a single parent because your husband is busy on Saturdays? I don’t think so. You have a two adult household, both potentially working and bringing in two incomes, you have someone to share bills with, to make decisions with, to talk to, I could go on.

YANBU about the amount of time your husband is playing cricket but don’t pretend it’s anything like being a single parent.

Even before opened this I knew 100000% that he would be a prick

You might not need him, but he needs you to look after his kid. Why would spending time with his family, ruin his life? He really is vile.

Cricket isn’t 52 weeks a year.

whats wrong with the other 6 days of the week, why can’t Sunday or another day be family time.

I think you are kind of being unreasonable expecting him to just not turn up to games to spend time with you. That makes him unreliable to his team. He has made a commitment to play. Assume he has played since prior to you being together.

You get to spend 1 on 1 time with your toddler or do whatever you want on a Saturday, visit family, shopping, the park whatever. You can have a hobby too if you see fit. Going to watch the cricket is kind of family time too & toddler will look back fonly on those memories when older

you will probably cause more issues by trying to control your husband and making him drop the cricket.

he works some Sundays.
not just being asked to spend time with his wife, but also with his young child.
when you say the op gets to do whatever she wants, you mean whatever she wants that’s compatible with also solo parenting a toddler. So very limited meandering around nice shops with your attention permanently half on dc, no sitting reading your book, no going for runs, no mental focus so that rules out interesting baking and sewing, so all the things I’d like to do with a free Saturday, so I’d get to do nothing I really want for me except for parenting, which I suspect the
op does lots of already. More than her share.

Exactly this. People say, "Oh you can have a career too. Oh you can have a hobby too." We don't get to just walk out and have our careers and hobbies without having to take into consideration what fits with the children and is compatible with having them in our care.

We are a cricketing family and my husband played when we first got married then gave it up as we had kids.
Now both my boys and him play on Saturdays and Sundays and I love it. Sometimes I go watch, other times I’m free to do whatever I want.
Also it’s not all year.