AIBU to tell my son he made his sister feel unsafe and uncomfortable?

[Resini]

Hi all, last night for our anniversary DS and DD along with DS’s girlfriend took us out for dinner and to see a show. Afterwards DS and his girlfriend suggested we go for some more drinks, they are both members of a private members club and could take guests so suggested we go there.
DH and I don’t go out late very often and don’t enjoy drinking very much so we didn’t stay too long but DD did.
DD is only 21, she is quite young for her age, has only lived at home, where as DS is 28 and his girlfriend 25. Obviously DD can handle herself and doesn’t need her big brother looking after her but it wasn’t her normal environment either.
Today DD has told us, that both DS and his girlfriend got very drunk and both used cocaine. Now of course I’m not naive they are young adults (albeit professionals DS is a solicitor and his girlfriend works in policy research!) and I know these sort of things happen in professional circles in London.
DD ended up going back to DS’s girlfriends flat to stay the night as it got late, she missed the last train (we are out in Surrey) and didn’t want to try get a cab that far. DD told me she felt really uncomfortable as they also invited one of their friends back to stay at there’s and this friend has been flirting with DD all night, she felt he wasn’t listening to her saying she wasn’t interested and didn’t want to be stuck in the same flat. She says she told DS this and he told her she was being silly and that the friend is “docile”.
DD ended up not sleeping at all, she said she felt on edge the whole time and left very early.
She has asked me not to say anything to DS as it will make her look pathetic, but I’m really disappointed in him, both in the getting so drunk he had to “have a tactical vomit” on the side of the street, using cocaine and not taking into account his sisters safety or comfort.

AIBU to think I should send him a message explaining that he made his sister very uncomfortable and owes her an apology?
I don’t want to be overbearing but I also think the behaviour last night was out of order.

Your ds takes drugs.
That makes him a druggie imo.
And your dd should have got an Uber home if she felt unsafe

I wouldn't be happy with this either.

Cocaine does make people extraordinarily selfish which would explain your son's behaviour. Though tbh the drugs would bother me less than dd being left to sleep alongside a strange male.

Your son sounds selfish and more like the immature one.

But if your dd doesn't want you to say anything then you mustn't. Though I would be having a talk to her about how to handle any future situations that may make her feel unsafe and uncomfortable.

This. She chose to stay. Her brother isn't her Nanny. She's 21. She needs to take responsibility for herself

Why should she be more worldly wise? She lives in Surrey and has a small group of friends. She's not out clubbing every week and snorting coke off the backsides of young, fit men maybe like you were at that age.

As for 'she chose to stay so that's on her'. Why are you blaming a young woman? Maybe her brother shouldn't have put her in that position and maybe the male friend shouldn't have been so sleazy.

I keep forgetting about the victim blaming and misogynistic views on mumsnet. It's disgusting.

He takes cocaine he's a druggie. 🙄

The most i would do is possibly say in a low key way to your DS that your DD was very quiet when she came home, and was everything ok. Absolutely no more than that.

Your kids are adults and have to navigate their relationship as siblings together. Can you support your DD in talking to her brother about this at some time in the future ?

Your son is showing who he is and you all have to learn from that and remember that in future decision-making. Your daughter needs support in learning how to stay safe.

I'd be furious she was left alone with someone she really did not want to be left alone with.
This must have put her off spending time with her brother.
How come her feeling were ignored?

Yeah I did too, thought it was the old one resurrected

Did you miss this bit...

she missed the last train (we are out in Surrey) and didn’t want to try get a cab that far

She probably didn't want to get into a taxi with a male driver she doesn't know to go on a long journey late at night and picked the lesser of the two evils which was staying at her brother's.

Stop blaming a young woman for men's behaviour!!!

Surrey is hardly a back water… I am rural Scotland, 40 at my primary school, 500 secondary, even when I left school in the 00s, i knew about coke etc… what job does she do, if she can’t tell her own brother about feeling unsafe in his home at 21, I’d be concerned for her.

Apparently DS told her it was his girlfriends flat so he had no say over who she invited back, which is fair, but when DD asked if they could go to his instead (a little further away but on the night tube), he made a joke about how she was being silly and the friend was fine, and it wasn’t worth the effort.
DD said when she realised she was expected to share a room with the friend she asked DS if she could sleep in the same room as him or his girlfriend and the other share with the friend but DS apparently said no because he wanted to have sex with his girlfriend.

Here it is, you might find replies useful as it is a very similar situation Angry with son for abandoning daughter on night out | Mumsnet

Yes. It’s disgraceful. This whole, ‘kids are adults at 18 so they are fully independent and don’t need any support or help’ is appalling. In this situation the older brother should have not let his creepy friend share a room with his younger sister, esp after she expressed reservations. She was the vulnerable party in this scenario.

My daughter is a similar age and I know that her older brother would never do this. If he did, I would be so angry, but I would not say anything if my daughter told me not to.

People get so excited when they think that they have spotted a repeat thread. They can’t wait to say they have seen it before! Do they not realise that on a busy board with hundreds of thousands of posters, that a similar scenario can arise more than one time?!

I’d be pissed off about her being left with the letchy friend, and honestly I would bring that up - possibly as a man he has no idea how hard it can be to get rid of somebody who is constantly trying it on.

I have definitely had the experience of telling somebody multiple times I’m not interested at house parties, only to wake up and find them groping me or worse later in the night.

I hope he gets caught and struck off if he really is a solicitor.

If the friend was being overly friendly and she felt unsafe it's not OK, it sounds like she handled it by staying awake. It has been known for men to try things on when a woman goes to sleep, he had been drinking and not believing her not interested. I would be a bit worried that DS and GF deliberately invited this friend back because he was interested in DD, turning it from brother and girl friend plus sister to two couples. But she doesn't want you to say anything and nothing really bad happened. She has learned a lesson that she has to look after herself even if she's with her DB.

We have so many rape cases in court here where a female sleeping off a night out has woken up to some creep having sex with her.
Worst thing is they always seem to get discounted sentences for former good character or something.

He invited a man back to their flat that made her uncomfortable, even after she told him that. I think it’s disgusting. Everyone drunk and on coke is by the by. It’s such an example of male privilege, he may be ‘docile’ but sexual assault is a very real threat and to be sharing a flat with a man who made you feel uncomfortable is horrible. She should have got a taxi but I get why she didn’t

What do you think of DS? Seems like he didn't have his DS's safety in mind.

Why would he be struck off?

I missed the part where she was actually expected to share a room with this stranger. That's a definite no no.

I would actually say to your DD that you won’t get in to it about the Coke and drinking but you have to say something about her not feeling safe.

I’d have to tell him that his friend made DD uncomfortable and you were really disappointed to hear that he invited the friend back regardless

She told him, and he didn’t care.
I’d be so disappointed if mine did this.

Fucking hell he’s clearly one of those idiot men that think his friends don’t do things like that.

Honestly I’m shocked, he has always been quite protective of DD, even though he is certainly no saint. I hate that he uses cocaine and gets incredibly drunk but I don’t think there is anything I can actually do about that, we don’t give him any money (though his girlfriend is heavily funded by her parents).
Im so angry with him for having several opportunities to make DD feel safe and not helping at all.
I appreciate she could have left earlier and got a cab home, but from what I can tell, by the time she realised this friend was not going to give it up, it was already quite late and she didn’t feel super safe doing a long journey in a cab with a strange man either. I think she expected DS to listen to her when she expressed her concerns and when he didn’t was picking between two situations, neither of which made her feel safe.
It is definitely a lesson for DD, and she does need to grow up a bit, but I don’t think she should have to feel unsafe ever, especially not when DS and his girlfriend were there and should have had her back.