Angry with son for abandoning daughter on night out

[maxtheblackcat]

I need some perspective before I say anything as I’m so angry right now I could be very unfair.
I have lived a very sheltered life, I know this and try to be mindful that it can make me naive. My son who is 25 lives in London, his girlfriend works in the fashion and entertainment industry and has some friends who are actors/musicians/models. Not your household names but none the less famous and have some influence. We are down visiting son in London, my daughter who’s 19 came with us. My daughter is on a gap year, she isn’t the most confident and doesn’t really do the whole drinking/club scene. Even if she did our nearest clubs are small so a very different feel.
Some of sons girlfriends friends were planning a night out, they had a reservation at a lovely expensive restaurant and then were on the guest list for a seemingly high end/exclusive club. My daughter ended up invited, she was hesitant but decided to go as she felt it was an opportunity she didn’t want to miss, and I get it if I was 19 if want to hang out with musicians and actors and models too! She was nervous but my son and his girlfriend promised they’d keep an eye on her.
We don’t hear anything most of the night until about half past midnight when my daughter calls me in tears, she says she stepped out as she felt really uncomfortable, that she’d gone to the bathroom and the girl who had got them on the guest list was sniffing coke, older guys were being provocative, she didn’t know where son or his girlfriend were. I told her to call him and get him to either put her in a cab back to the hotel or take her home, she was panicking and not used to London at all and nervous of being in a cab alone late at night.
Typically he didn’t answer, she tried the girlfriend too no answer, we tried them both. We then told her to go back in and find him but the security guard wouldn’t let her unless the girl who she was a guest off (so girlfriends friend) came out and verified who she was and let her in. I’m not sure if this is standard practice but obviously, my DD doesn’t know this girl at all and had no way of contacting this girl and the security guard wasn’t helpful at all. My daughter was panicking and a group of girls walking by noticed and helped her get a cab back to the hotel. Luckily she’s here with us now and while shaken up she’s okay. We have always taught our kids to never be around people doing drugs and had a “fly with the crows, shot with the crows” mantra. My daughter said this is the first time she’d ever actually seen anyone doing lines of cocaine and the men were being so sleazy.
We still haven’t heard from my son which makes me think he hasn’t even noticed that she isn’t there!!

AIBU to be absolutely disgusted with him and beyond angry? He knew that his sister was new to all of this and promised to look out for her! My husband thinks it’s unfair to ask him to babysit his adult sister and she just shouldn’t have gone if she wasn’t going to be able to handle it. He thinks it was naive of me to think models, actors and musicians wouldn’t be doing drugs.

I agree. But he IS still in that environment and those are his friends. It's unusual not to be doing the drugs too because of how it turns those on the drugs into dickheads. (I say this as the only one in my circle who didn't do the drugs. And eventually did get pissed off at how it effected them).

Sleazy men and drugs? Most clubs. Take your pick if it appeals.

What could he actually have done other than go to the bathroom with her?

She went to the bathroom with a friend of her brother then ran out into the street alone. All she had to do was go back to DB. If she felt so uncomfortable she wanted to leave I’m sure he would have gone outside with her and put her in a cab.

If she were my little sister I would tell her and my mum that she couldn’t come out with me again until she’s more mature, as she’s currently she’s a liability,

OP, I hope you enjoy the rest of your time in London, and are able to take the opportunity for your DD to learn how to take a bus/taxi/tube. Black cabs aren't as dangerous as your DD might think, and knowing how to hail one independently would be a good idea.

I think you should also talk through with your DD how she could handle various situations in the future - if she needed to call an ambulance or lost her bag with phone and keys in it. She needs the resilience and knowledge to deal with various things life might throw at her. I'd also be talking through how to handle men with wandering hands. She's probably a polite person, but in certain scenarios it's perfectly fine to be what she may consider incredibly rude.

True the OP didn't mention son and girlfriend using drugs, but don't really get your point about me. I only took coke the once so if son and girlfriend did what I did, they're doing pretty well. Doesn't change the fact they are part of that social group. It will play out the same now as it did then. Some will survive intact; some won't.

Unless it's the stereotypical not needing to worry about a boy/man because they are always safe and girls/women need to be protected by them and can't do it themselves?

Even if my son goes out now to the cinema or wherever, I do the whole do you want dropping or collecting? Got your phone and it's charged? Got money? How you getting home?

I wouldn't let him go out somewhere new and expect anyone else to take care of him and not prepared him for it either

I agree. But he IS still in that environment and those are his friends. It's unusual not to be doing the drugs too because of how it turns those on the drugs into dickheads. (I say this as the only one in my circle who didn't do the drugs. And eventually did get pissed off at how it effected them).

They're her friends by the sounds of it, not his, and who knows if they're close friends or more like acquaintances as they're people she knows through work.

OP says nothing that would make anyone think her son is on drugs so it would have been unfair to take the thread off on that made up tangent. To trust her son with her naive daughter, she must believe he's not taking drugs as well.

No. Would avoid it like the plague....

Either way, the different expectations and unrealistic expectations of the parents are likely to be part of the problem here.

You said ‘fortunately’ you only did it once, and left it at that. Sounds like they don’t do drugs. Seems that point of your post was a bit redundant and you are wanting to highlight the dander of drugs? Which is absolutely fine, but also not really what the thread is about. So I’m struggling to understand really. Sorry!

I would be annoyed at my son for not keeping an eye on his little sister, but she is an adult and people taking drugs will be seen in all major cities, in toilets on nights out.

I think your daughter possibly needs to get a little bit more with it if she is wanting to go out and about. Men are unfortunately sleazy in clubs too and you need to be confident enough to tell them to pi*s off.

I say this as someone who has a reasonably sheltered daughter who is the same age.

Well your DS and GF think they're "It" don't they?
I think they were selfish. They showed little concern for your DD and their justifications to you were patronising. They knew your DD had just left school and was, inexperienced and from out of town. You can read a text in a nightclub, people often communicate that way as because it's often too loud to ring. So GF not looking at her texts when they say they were wondering where DD is, doesn't fly. I can understand how you felt let down. There was a lot of drug taking and groping going on according to DD and an epidemic of people getting their drinks doctored on a night out is widely reported and people are always being advised to be cautious.

Our DC and friends have always had a policy of "no one left behind" even when it's been inconvenient and at times meant missing a night bus home or ending up taking a friend to A and E or paying for and helping someone's to get home. It's something their group have all benefited from over the years, so its just understood.

Your DD in her own home town with her own friends would not have felt out of her depth. All this talk of "babysitting" is annoying as they invited her and she and you felt that meant they would keep an eye on her in a situation that was unfamiliar to her. It's not such a big ask. It's a reasonable expectation from an older sibling. If they'd said "You can come out with us, but you'll have to fend for yourself, we have no intention of looking out for you or making sure you get home OK," Then she probably wouldn't have gone to the club.

Once she couldn't contact them or get back into the club and had to wait on the street outside, Your DD was right to be concerned about getting an unmarked Uber - there's been so many news reports about just that. She did well to find a group of friendly girls - who understood and helped her get a proper taxi to your hotel. It wasn't a great experience for her, but at least it was a learning curve. But she got through it and made it home safely, so good for her.

what @YellowphantGrey said 'or you could also teach your daughter how to deal with getting separated on a night out and how to get home?'

I was clubbing in a major town from 17. Was always told by my mum to stick together but if you get separated there’s always £20 in the top drawer for you to get a taxi home

what would she have done if the women hadn’t be there to help her get a taxi?

True the OP didn't mention son and girlfriend using drugs, but don't really get your point about me. I only took coke the once so if son and girlfriend did what I did, they're doing pretty well. Doesn't change the fact they are part of that social group. It will play out the same now as it did then. Some will survive intact; some won't

The GF works with them. A friends daughter works at a modelling agency and its expected that she socialises. It doesn't mean she is also doing drugs just because she's seen as part of that 'social group' that does. Her career simply wouldn't continue if she didn't mix with these people, sad but true, but she's very anti drugs herself.

Having a good time in a club isn't having your brother next to you the whole time/having your sister glued to your hip.

No, but it’s at least letting her know you’re wandering off and where she can find you if she needs you. I would be treating any naive, sheltered 19-year-old as if they’re 13 on a night out in London. (I say that as a born and bred Londoner from a “rough” part of the city. These suburban and country kids generally aren’t streetwise enough to jump straight in!)

I'm not sure that you do, the very first time.

I was just as naive as the OP's daughter at that age - I'd led a very sheltered life until I moved to Glasgow for uni.

The only person who ‘left’ anyone behind was the daughter, when she left without telling anyone. Jesus wept, the logic of some on this thread… How on Earth did the brother and girlfriend leave her behind when she RAN AWAY FROM HER CHAPERONE, and they were exactly where they told her they’d be.

I've just checked and it seems that my small town has finally joined the 21st century and we now have Uber too! However, having checked a couple of prices on Uber, it seems more expensive than I paid recently for a couple of taxi journeys booked direct with a local company.

I think its a shame that so many people cant see that it was a scary situation for a 19yo girl that has no experience of clubs or London. Especially once she was cut off outside by the presumably scary bouncers.

Further to my past post, this situation could equally happen at a Uni campus event during freshers week (when you won’t know her exact whereabouts) It’s about awareness and navigating typical life experiences. Your outrage won’t help your DD gain more life experience and confidence OP.

Again, if the onus is on her brother to keep her safe, why aren't the parents responsible for teaching her what to do in the event she becomes separated from her brother?

It seems like the daughter is being treated like a toddler and acts like a toddler too

I don't really agree with the idea that just because you haven't done something before means you have no idea how to do it.

Even if the DD had never taken a taxi anywhere, surely she understands the general concept from books, TV, film, just general common sense?

I didn't need anyone to tell me how to hail a cab for the first time and I also didn't come from a town with black cabs

For me I can appreciate it was scary for her.

What I can't appreciate is that she has been that babied and mollycoddled y her parents to the point of running out of a club in tears because she saw someone doing drugs and then not knowing how taxis work and how to get one

I also don't understand why you'd let your child go off, knowing how they are without preparing them first

U can't expect your son to be by her side every minute of the night. She shouldn't have stepped out.

I’m not in the camp that are saying that the brother has done anything hugely unreasonable - it depends on how long she was looking for him and we don’t have that detail. Clearly no one is going to be able to answer a phone in a busy club but if the group all moved to another room without informing her etc then that puts a bit more emphasis on him. Either way though - the more important point is that the DD needs to e sure she can handle these type of situations as they’ll likely occur again when she’s at uni in a new city.