AIBU to tell my son he made his sister feel unsafe and uncomfortable?

[Resini]

Hi all, last night for our anniversary DS and DD along with DS’s girlfriend took us out for dinner and to see a show. Afterwards DS and his girlfriend suggested we go for some more drinks, they are both members of a private members club and could take guests so suggested we go there.
DH and I don’t go out late very often and don’t enjoy drinking very much so we didn’t stay too long but DD did.
DD is only 21, she is quite young for her age, has only lived at home, where as DS is 28 and his girlfriend 25. Obviously DD can handle herself and doesn’t need her big brother looking after her but it wasn’t her normal environment either.
Today DD has told us, that both DS and his girlfriend got very drunk and both used cocaine. Now of course I’m not naive they are young adults (albeit professionals DS is a solicitor and his girlfriend works in policy research!) and I know these sort of things happen in professional circles in London.
DD ended up going back to DS’s girlfriends flat to stay the night as it got late, she missed the last train (we are out in Surrey) and didn’t want to try get a cab that far. DD told me she felt really uncomfortable as they also invited one of their friends back to stay at there’s and this friend has been flirting with DD all night, she felt he wasn’t listening to her saying she wasn’t interested and didn’t want to be stuck in the same flat. She says she told DS this and he told her she was being silly and that the friend is “docile”.
DD ended up not sleeping at all, she said she felt on edge the whole time and left very early.
She has asked me not to say anything to DS as it will make her look pathetic, but I’m really disappointed in him, both in the getting so drunk he had to “have a tactical vomit” on the side of the street, using cocaine and not taking into account his sisters safety or comfort.

AIBU to think I should send him a message explaining that he made his sister very uncomfortable and owes her an apology?
I don’t want to be overbearing but I also think the behaviour last night was out of order.

Same! I was just thinking this as I was reading, was going to search for it

Me too. So many of the same details.

Except the other thread they went to a normal nightclub and DD ended up getting separated from the group.

Did not feel safe getting an Uber? Where every fart is tracked live?

Your sensible daughter needs to stay away from her junkie brother and his girlfriend.

Can't believe he thought it acceptable to leave his sister to sleep in the same room as a male stranger to her. She and the girlfriend should have shared the bed and the 'men' should have slept on the settees.

Bollocks. But I could have placed money on someone coming along with that comment.

Erghhhh so disappointing 😮‍💨
Unfortunately you can't control his (shoddy) behaviour.

She also asked you to stay out of it.

You can talk with her about autonomy and taking control of situations so she is better able to handle it next time a tricky situation arises. I bloody wish my DM had bothered doing that with me.

Ultimately this wasnt a nice experience for her. But not nice experiences are going to keep happening so she needs to be able to handle them.

Sorry OP how do you personally feel about your son telling your daughter she had to sleep in a room with a drunk man she doesn’t know, who had made it clear he was sexually interested in her and wasn’t taking no for an answer during the evening? What an arsehole he is, that’s terrible.

More misogynistic to day a 21 year old woman shouldn't be expected to look after herself tbh

Did you not watch the recent drama 'Believe Me'.

It’s not just common in the legal profession - recreational use of cocaine is rife among all professionals. Would you have them all struck off. Personal use is not a reason to be struck off, whatever profession you are in. And educate yourself as to what a ‘druggie’ is. Another word is junkie. In other words an addict, who will use any available means to obtain their drugs because they are addicted. That is not this. Not condoning drug use at all, but there is a difference between addiction and recreational use.

Sorry, no, what is the problem with Uber?

I have also read this exact thread before 🤔

I think you need to work on some strategies with your daughter for how to manage this sort of situation. She’s 21, not a child, but maybe has lived a sheltered life. You could suggest she always has enough money in her account to check into a travelodge/premier inn/etc at short notice, if she doesn’t have a safe place to stay. Or encourage her to be aware of the last train times and when she needs to leave a night out to safely make the last train. And so on. Safe exit strategies.

Your son’s behaviour is not normal amongst the young people I know of that age. I’d be pretty disgusted if my son behaved like that on a night out. “Tactical vomit” and snorting cocaine? Vile.

Bollocks. Of course it is.

What do you mean?

Why does it matter it gives you the ick? What a strange thing to think matters to people, I wish people ln here would stop thinking that's the ultimate punishment

It isn’t misogynistic to recognise that some 21 year olds are not as capable of keeping themselves safe as others. There are degrees.

Grow up.

I’m 52 and have never been around anyone on cocaine.

But the woman couldn't consent. Consent cannot be given if you are drunk. This man said he wanted to have sex with his partner who couldn't consent. You excusing it is disgusting.

1. They are adults and can handle it themselves.
2. she specifically asked you not to say anything

stay out of it

your intervention will make them fall out with each other. If you think your son will immediately start profusely apologising and will not be annoyed at his sister you are very naive too

Probably because it’s true.

That was in a black cab, in the pre-smartphone era. Of course, no one is 100% safe in an Uber, but the safety features in Ubers - and other similar taxi apps - make it basically impossible for that sort of thing to happen now.

He takes cocaine.
Hes a druggie.

He was happy to let his younger sister feel uncomfortable with one his male friends.

He sounds like a complete douche bag. Id be mortified if id raised him!

It means whoever is the one doing the forcing is the criminal. If she forced him she is the criminal, yet he announced he wanted to force her without consent so he is the criminal.

Hey @Resini

Going to keep this to the point, as a lawyer myself with friends in central London.

1. its common but not as common as you think and is 100% a choice of your son and his gf
2. its not something I’d be concerned about if you know he’s otherwise ok. My friend in London competes professionally in a sport, has a great job, good friends and thrives - it is somewhat a city “thing” though never good.
3. DD rightly felt uncomfortable with the sleep setup and DS is an arse for belittling her feeling uncomfortable but he is a man who won’t “get it”. Do not message him about it. She’s had a lucky escape from staying in a situation that could be worse from her own brother - next time she sees someone taking drugs, she needs to high tail it home you’d rather she spent £100 on a taxi than got assaulted I’m sure. People on drugs don’t make rational decisions.
4. The people saying DA raped his gf are insane. Ignore them. My husband and I go at it drunk all the time - it’s not rape… as a survivor myself!

try not to worry, nothing you can do.