AIBU to tell my son he made his sister feel unsafe and uncomfortable?

[Resini]

Hi all, last night for our anniversary DS and DD along with DS’s girlfriend took us out for dinner and to see a show. Afterwards DS and his girlfriend suggested we go for some more drinks, they are both members of a private members club and could take guests so suggested we go there.
DH and I don’t go out late very often and don’t enjoy drinking very much so we didn’t stay too long but DD did.
DD is only 21, she is quite young for her age, has only lived at home, where as DS is 28 and his girlfriend 25. Obviously DD can handle herself and doesn’t need her big brother looking after her but it wasn’t her normal environment either.
Today DD has told us, that both DS and his girlfriend got very drunk and both used cocaine. Now of course I’m not naive they are young adults (albeit professionals DS is a solicitor and his girlfriend works in policy research!) and I know these sort of things happen in professional circles in London.
DD ended up going back to DS’s girlfriends flat to stay the night as it got late, she missed the last train (we are out in Surrey) and didn’t want to try get a cab that far. DD told me she felt really uncomfortable as they also invited one of their friends back to stay at there’s and this friend has been flirting with DD all night, she felt he wasn’t listening to her saying she wasn’t interested and didn’t want to be stuck in the same flat. She says she told DS this and he told her she was being silly and that the friend is “docile”.
DD ended up not sleeping at all, she said she felt on edge the whole time and left very early.
She has asked me not to say anything to DS as it will make her look pathetic, but I’m really disappointed in him, both in the getting so drunk he had to “have a tactical vomit” on the side of the street, using cocaine and not taking into account his sisters safety or comfort.

AIBU to think I should send him a message explaining that he made his sister very uncomfortable and owes her an apology?
I don’t want to be overbearing but I also think the behaviour last night was out of order.

Assuming your daughter didnt come to any harm, apart from feeling uncomfortable, you should maybe start looking at your sons cocaine consumption

I’d have to say something. He might feel bad now, people on coke are notorious dickheads so in the cold light of day I hope he’d be ashamed

For using cocaine? It's a Class A illegal drug. And that's aside from the fact he clearly skipped all training on anti-money laundering and proceeds of crime.

Of course he would and should be struck off.

DD has had a nasty experience and the bottom line is that she must stay independent of her brother if they go out together again. He can't be trusted to consider her safety and comfort. At least she knows now. No point in you
say anything to him about it.

What do you think OP is going to do about her 28yo son’s recreational drug use?

I’m very open to advice on what we can do about this?
We don’t give him any money, we stopped funding family trips after another incident where he got black out drunk while on holiday a few years ago, he holds down a job/relationship etc.
So if you have any advice on how to deal with it, I am all ears.

I’d be furious, like really properly furious. Your DD could have wakened up to that ‘friend’ sexually assaulting her.

I would be saying that to her and asking her if it’s ok for you to say something to him as I’m angry on her behalf.

I’ve unfortunately had literally dozens of clients this has happened to (therapist) so my view of this is not the same as others.

I can’t believe how many people are saying this is the daughter’s fault. OP you sound quite passive about your son’s behaviour and attitude towards his sister.

So hard. I would be absolutely livid with him but you can’t go against your daughter’s wishes. I would like to think after the night wore off he reflected on his own behaviour and apologised to her off his own back. Best thing you can do for your daughter is help her gain confidence in looking after herself and extracting herself from such situations. Sadly it’s getting more and more unsafe and women need to be independent a d world savvy.

I think your DS behaved appallingly to his sister, minimizing her concerns like that and blaming the situation on his girlfriend.

I think it would be good to have a word with him if you can persuade DD to let you, but don't think you should do it if she says no.

More importantly, though - your DD is 21 and needs supporting in learning to stick up for herself because your DS isn't the only one who's going to ignore her feelings and opt his preference and ease in situations in the future. She had other options - like getting a taxi home after all, or getting a hotel room, or kicking up more of a fuss and if she felt unsafe she should have done something about it, not acquiesced the way she did.

Your DS learning not to minimize and ignore women's discomfort around men is important for other women he comes into contact with. Your DD learning to do what she needs to to feel safe is important for her.

Agreed. I thought this too.

Typical MN misogyny. Not to mention hypocrisy.

I’d make really clear on future opportunities that he isn’t to be trusted to be sensible. Like, if he offers anyone a lift, or says he’ll see his sister home etc. well no, Fred, you aren’t reliable about that sort of thing, are you.

And if he ever talks about someone being a creep around women, point out he let his friend carry on around his sister.

Your DS is very immature and very unkind to not recognise his sister self unsafe. I’d be raging and try and make it clear to your DD that he has behaved in an irresponsible and uncaring way.

How close are you to your DS? What’s your relationship like with him? Maybe gently suggest he goes to rehab/AA/therapy?

🙄

Your poor DD, that must have felt horrible for her.

I'd be giving him a blast for all of his behaviour, I'm sorry to say. Taking cocaine is beyond reckless and would cost him his career if he was caught in possession. That alone would terrify me. Let alone him thinking his sister spending the night in the same room as a complete stranger who had been hitting on her all night was OK.

I’m not sure that would go down well, we aren’t particularly close and I wouldn’t say he is addicted, at least not from what I know. It seems to more of an infrequent night out thing.
There is no bad blood or resentment between DS and I, we have spoken about it, but he and his dad have issues, so he is fairly reluctant to get too close. We only really see him in situations like last night where it’s a meal out, show, sports event or similar.

Yes this is the thread I could remember.
Well done for finding it and posting the link.

I doubt any good will come of sending him a message. If you're going to raise it with him it would be better face to face.

Of course he’s a druggie. What else would you call it?

So he wanted to have sex with his girlfriend who was extremely drunk and on drugs....

A drunk person cannot consent....

A druggie or a junkie is an addict. It’s not necessarily the case that DS is addicted if he’s an occasional recreational user. Not condoning it, because in this case it’s made him irresponsible towards his sister. But there is a difference.

I can see that you and I are going to disagree about what would realistically cause someone to be struck off, so I’ll leave it here.

I’m not going to get into this one. They were both drunk and using drugs so really neither of them could consent, and I know I for one have had sex while very very drunk and did not feel taken advantage of. The rights and wrongs of sex while drunk is a whole debate in its own right. And really the less I know about my son’s sex life with his girlfriend the better!