AIBU to tell my son he made his sister feel unsafe and uncomfortable?

[Resini]

Hi all, last night for our anniversary DS and DD along with DS’s girlfriend took us out for dinner and to see a show. Afterwards DS and his girlfriend suggested we go for some more drinks, they are both members of a private members club and could take guests so suggested we go there.
DH and I don’t go out late very often and don’t enjoy drinking very much so we didn’t stay too long but DD did.
DD is only 21, she is quite young for her age, has only lived at home, where as DS is 28 and his girlfriend 25. Obviously DD can handle herself and doesn’t need her big brother looking after her but it wasn’t her normal environment either.
Today DD has told us, that both DS and his girlfriend got very drunk and both used cocaine. Now of course I’m not naive they are young adults (albeit professionals DS is a solicitor and his girlfriend works in policy research!) and I know these sort of things happen in professional circles in London.
DD ended up going back to DS’s girlfriends flat to stay the night as it got late, she missed the last train (we are out in Surrey) and didn’t want to try get a cab that far. DD told me she felt really uncomfortable as they also invited one of their friends back to stay at there’s and this friend has been flirting with DD all night, she felt he wasn’t listening to her saying she wasn’t interested and didn’t want to be stuck in the same flat. She says she told DS this and he told her she was being silly and that the friend is “docile”.
DD ended up not sleeping at all, she said she felt on edge the whole time and left very early.
She has asked me not to say anything to DS as it will make her look pathetic, but I’m really disappointed in him, both in the getting so drunk he had to “have a tactical vomit” on the side of the street, using cocaine and not taking into account his sisters safety or comfort.

AIBU to think I should send him a message explaining that he made his sister very uncomfortable and owes her an apology?
I don’t want to be overbearing but I also think the behaviour last night was out of order.

Your dd is an adult and she asked you not to say anything. You need to respect her wishes.

This thread is identical to one I read a year ago. Is this the first time your druggie son has done this in front of your dd? If not you need to put a firm foot down with him and also teach her how to get a taxi home when she’s unhappy on a night out.

Ah interesting, that wasn’t me, this is the first time DD has been out with DS.
Im not sure I would call him a druggie!

I was thinking if sounded familiar, @BombayMixIsTheBestMix 🤔

I do think that as she’s 21 and has asked you not to say anything, you shouldn’t. I’m sure it won’t happen again, as your dd won’t want to go out with them like this again.

Maybe she took some cocaine too and thats why she couldn't sleep?

I don't know really but to me she's 21, she's with family. I'd be very surprised at a 21 year old never having seen people on cocaine before. It doesn't matter whether she's never lived away from home.

She's still an adult and she was alright. She can just not stay at theirs again but it should be her telling them she felt uncomfortable. There's no point in you going to them saying it.

She's asked you not to - break her trust and she will never confide in you again. Not to mention the impact on her relationship with her brother.

I would ring DS, not a message.

For me talking a friend back that DD was uncomfortable with crossed the line especially after she had the courage to speak up.

Your DS is selfish and need to know.

This, has she never lived away from home? I’d be concentrating on giving her more confidence in herself to extract herself from situations like this, was she expected to share a room with the creepy friend?

Yes that's exactly what I was thinking: this has been posted before

I think your daughter is too unworldly to have been exposed to your son’s debauched lifestyle . Cocaine may be common in his world but doesn’t mean it’s a good thing . There’s a very dark side to drugs and your son is contributing to that misery . He was reckless with your Dd’s welfare and what if said friend wasn’t ‘ docile ‘ once drunk . Personally I’d not be proud at all of your sons lifestyle and I’d keep my Dd well away until he’s cleaned up his act .

Same. I looked at the date to check.

Support your DD if she decides to say anything. Don’t go against her wishes.

she’s feeling vulnerable because her brother completed ignored her clear wishes and because the friend was ignoring her not being interested, don’t be the third person to totally ignore her wishes in a short space of time

No she hasn’t lived away from home, like I said she is quite young for her age, she has a small group of friends, doesn’t drink very often etc.

Yes both her and the friend were expected to sleep in the living room on a sofa each.

Maybe not say anything but have a stern word or two with DS about looking after his sister, in general terms, if they are going out again.
Oh and he is definitely a druggie if he has cocaine and enough to spare for his sister.

At 21 she should be a bit more worldly wise, you describe her like a young teen

The minute you feel uncomfortable somewhere, you go home, either leave on time and make sure you get that last train or get a cab

She chose to stay so thats on her.

Really rubbish of your DS to do that and make his sister feel unsafe (especially as she raised the other person’s presence as being uncomfortable). There’s a huge difference between being a 21 year old at home and a 28 year old living in London independently and he should have accounted for that.

Unfortunately, your DD has asked you not to say anything so I wouldn’t contact him. Potentially ask your DD again (once she’s feeling better/more rested) if you could say something but you have to be led by her on this.

It sounds like he was trying to get her to sleep with his friend which isn’t nice at all as she clearly wasn’t up for it (and he’ll know it’s not normal behaviour for her).

not sure if I’d say anything but I’d be advising my daughter not to go out drinking with him again.

For Gods sake I’d want to hit the roof with him if I were you. But she’s an adult and has asked you not to do so, which makes this really difficult.

I think if DS says something eg Did DSis get home ok, I would have a word. I wouldn’t say that she felt uncomfortable, but I would ask him why the hell he thought expecting her to share a room with a bloke was on.

And please don’t excuse his drug use as normal among young professionals. It is exploitation of very vulnerable people. It is morally bankrupt.

Do not get involved

Sorry OP but at 21 she is responsible for her own safety - not her brother. She put herself in difficult positions and didn’t leave. YABU.

I think if your daughter has asked you not to say anything then you shouldn't, she's an adult. I would want to tear a strip off him though in your shoes.

I'd be very disappointed and angry with my son if he behaved like this. It's awful that neither of them stuck up for your daughter and didn't protect her.

Your son and his girlfriend are druggies.
What would you think of a chav from a council estate sniffing coke in a Wetherspoon toilets? Just because your son works in the city and goes to a private members club that doesn't make it different or somehow more acceptable.

I don’t think it’s about being ‘worldly wise’ and more about your personality ans lifestyle. At 21 I was a student nurse and went out a lot and would have been fine sleeping in the same room as a random bloke and would have happily told him to fuck off if he tried someone on.

My close friend was a third year student living away from home at 21 but wasn’t a big drinker but did go out occasionally and would come and stay with me. I would have never put her in this situation and even though I loved wild nights out when she stayed we went home when she wanted and I didn’t get wasted. It’s about knowing your company.

This one thousand times. You can provide support tp DD if she wants to talk to DS, but do not go and speak to him when she has explicitly told you not to.

If you do, you'll lose a bit of her trust. She might not confide in you if something worse happens in future, regardless of whether with or someone else.

I think you have to respect your DDs wishes in this case.

Sad to read to have a DS who ignores the harm that the drugs trade brings, the young often black teenage boys killed, the impact of county lines, Mexican deaths etc.

Going against many people here but I’d be pretty pissed off about him not respecting her fears about the slimy friend. The cocaine isn’t really the main issue for although I’d be horrified if it was my child, adult or not. I’m 45 and have never seen a person take cocaine in real life. Clearly very sheltered.