AIBU to tell my son he made his sister feel unsafe and uncomfortable?

[Resini]

Hi all, last night for our anniversary DS and DD along with DS’s girlfriend took us out for dinner and to see a show. Afterwards DS and his girlfriend suggested we go for some more drinks, they are both members of a private members club and could take guests so suggested we go there.
DH and I don’t go out late very often and don’t enjoy drinking very much so we didn’t stay too long but DD did.
DD is only 21, she is quite young for her age, has only lived at home, where as DS is 28 and his girlfriend 25. Obviously DD can handle herself and doesn’t need her big brother looking after her but it wasn’t her normal environment either.
Today DD has told us, that both DS and his girlfriend got very drunk and both used cocaine. Now of course I’m not naive they are young adults (albeit professionals DS is a solicitor and his girlfriend works in policy research!) and I know these sort of things happen in professional circles in London.
DD ended up going back to DS’s girlfriends flat to stay the night as it got late, she missed the last train (we are out in Surrey) and didn’t want to try get a cab that far. DD told me she felt really uncomfortable as they also invited one of their friends back to stay at there’s and this friend has been flirting with DD all night, she felt he wasn’t listening to her saying she wasn’t interested and didn’t want to be stuck in the same flat. She says she told DS this and he told her she was being silly and that the friend is “docile”.
DD ended up not sleeping at all, she said she felt on edge the whole time and left very early.
She has asked me not to say anything to DS as it will make her look pathetic, but I’m really disappointed in him, both in the getting so drunk he had to “have a tactical vomit” on the side of the street, using cocaine and not taking into account his sisters safety or comfort.

AIBU to think I should send him a message explaining that he made his sister very uncomfortable and owes her an apology?
I don’t want to be overbearing but I also think the behaviour last night was out of order.

No one is being prosecuted for possessing cocaine at personal use levels.

Some people really do live on another planet.

He" it wasn’t worth the effort" and " apparently said no because he wanted to have sex with his girlfriend."

Well how shit is that.

Sorry but the problem is your ds and I would be furious.

Yes. She is the only one in this story who comes out well.

The more I think about this, the more angry I feel about this poor excuse for a brother. It would be a huge struggle for me to stay quiet.

Oh for goodness sake, not only is this not the point of the thread. It’s bloody ridiculous to simplify the situation that much. If everyone who has ever had sex while drunk is a rapist that would be a huge chunk of the population.

There is a massive difference between one person preying on a vulnerable intoxicated person, and an established couple who are both equally intoxicated having sex, surely you can see that?

Im not saying my son is bloody saint, he isn’t and im beyond disgusted with his behaviour, but let’s keep it with the realms of reality and not throw totally unprovable accusations around haphazardly.

She has asked you not to say anything, you should respect that.

Ref your son’s drug use etc, none of your business either.

If it were me, I’d focus on your daughter and helping her find the confidence to broach it with him herself.

Help her find her voice.

So when you left her what was the plan for her to get home?

How did she miss the last train & what did she expect people to do when she had?

She was give somewhere to stay.

It didn't suit her but I'm not sure it was up to others to sort that out?

of course he's a druggie, just because he is using cocaine instead of heroin etc, and has a successful career, doesnt make him something else ! You are looking at him through rose tinted glasses.

The best you can do is respect your daughter's confidence.

Of course send him a message or speak to him !!
How can a man so old be so totally native ??

They're both adults and she has asked you not to say anything so I'd respect that.

I'd chat with your DD again and reiterate that DS definitely was unreasonable. What will she do going forwards knowing he won't have her back. Personally I think in her shoes I'd not go out drinking with him again.

I'd also talk about all the options available to her if she doesn't feel comfortable or safe on a night out. Can she call you or her dad for a lift? I'd offer this to my kids even if they were an hour away I'd set off and pick them up. Or could she afford an emergency Uber? Could she have gone in the flat's bathroom and slept against the door?

I'd use it as a way for her to think about her safety on nights out. As a young woman in her twenties we all know it's good to have some personal safety plans on hand for nights that go sideways.

Your son told your daughter she had to share a room with a drunk bloke who had made it clear he was sexually interested in her, even though she said it made her uncomfortable? And his reason was so he could shag his girlfriend?

I’d be most disappointed in that bit to be honest, what an arsehole.

I’d be fucking livid about this.

She has asked me not to say anything to DS as it will make her look pathetic

Trust me, there are 3 more pathetic people in this
scenario.

Your son did not make your daughter 'feel unsafe'.

He put her in danger. He expected her to fall asleep in the same room as a drunk man who had been coming on to her even after she refused him.

That is real danger. Not a feeling. Not imagining whether a man is in the women's loos, or whether 'migrants' are bad. An actual man. In a sleeping space.

The 'docile' friend (strange word for the son to use) need not have stayed.

Your son could have booked a Premier Inn or similar. He disrepects and endangers women.

In theory yes, but considering how common and acceptable the use of coke is in the UK, nothing will happen. People would be struck off left, right and centre.

He does not sound naive. He sounds entitled and dangerous.

Good. I hope they will be, one day.

I wouldn’t be saying anything to honour her request, but I also wouldn’t let her go out with them alone again.

Cokeheads are absolutely not to be trusted. He couldn’t give less of a fuck about his sister while he’s on it.

As others have said, it’s weird your son described his friend as ‘docile’, as it’s more often used to describe generally aggressive animals who are behaving calmly. That could suggest your son thinks his friend is normally dangerous?

Respect and trust your DD’s choices. However, you do need to tell her she isn’t pathetic. I am 54 and have traveled the world and I would feel just as uncomfortable as your DD.

Your DS sounds like a grade A twat.

In situations like that I always make sure my dc have enough cash for a cab and/or I also allow my credit card to be tied to their phones so they could just walk into any chain hotel, I advise Travelodge in Drury lane, they always have rooms available. But I say 'emergency only', so my goodwill will not be abused. I am not in Surrey, but if a taxi is £150 for out of boundary/late night fee, then walking into a hotel is cheaper.

She wasn’t in danger? Having to share a room with a man she’d never met before and who made her uncomfortable? What planet do you live on? Is it one full of rainbows and kittens where drunk men never sexually assault women? There was a case local to me where a man was convicted of raping a woman who had come back to his flat with his friend, and who was sharing his friend’s bed. He nipped in while his friend was passed out drunk in the bathroom and the sleeping woman woke up to find him having sex with her.

I don’t think it’s the women who need to grow up a bit. Unless it’s women spouting nonsense like this.

DD had plenty of money, that wasn’t the issue. She didn’t feel safe getting a cab and maybe didn’t think of a hotel or didn’t anticipate the exact set up until there.

A stern word...mn is really another planet sometimes