AIBU to tell my son he made his sister feel unsafe and uncomfortable?

[Resini]

Hi all, last night for our anniversary DS and DD along with DS’s girlfriend took us out for dinner and to see a show. Afterwards DS and his girlfriend suggested we go for some more drinks, they are both members of a private members club and could take guests so suggested we go there.
DH and I don’t go out late very often and don’t enjoy drinking very much so we didn’t stay too long but DD did.
DD is only 21, she is quite young for her age, has only lived at home, where as DS is 28 and his girlfriend 25. Obviously DD can handle herself and doesn’t need her big brother looking after her but it wasn’t her normal environment either.
Today DD has told us, that both DS and his girlfriend got very drunk and both used cocaine. Now of course I’m not naive they are young adults (albeit professionals DS is a solicitor and his girlfriend works in policy research!) and I know these sort of things happen in professional circles in London.
DD ended up going back to DS’s girlfriends flat to stay the night as it got late, she missed the last train (we are out in Surrey) and didn’t want to try get a cab that far. DD told me she felt really uncomfortable as they also invited one of their friends back to stay at there’s and this friend has been flirting with DD all night, she felt he wasn’t listening to her saying she wasn’t interested and didn’t want to be stuck in the same flat. She says she told DS this and he told her she was being silly and that the friend is “docile”.
DD ended up not sleeping at all, she said she felt on edge the whole time and left very early.
She has asked me not to say anything to DS as it will make her look pathetic, but I’m really disappointed in him, both in the getting so drunk he had to “have a tactical vomit” on the side of the street, using cocaine and not taking into account his sisters safety or comfort.

AIBU to think I should send him a message explaining that he made his sister very uncomfortable and owes her an apology?
I don’t want to be overbearing but I also think the behaviour last night was out of order.

Have you never had sex after consuming alcohol ? There’s a world of difference between taking advantage of a casual acquaintance the worse for drink, and having consensual sex with your partner, having both consumed alcohol/drugs.

Jesus, if two equally drunk and on drugs people want to have sex it does not immediately mean that it’s rape, let’s not make this in to something it isn’t

Its a tough one! I would be pissed off and worried about the coke - just in general not even regarding DD being in the mix.

I wouldn't say anything about not protecting DD sufficiently though - at 21 years old your DD is plenty old enough to be exposed to this kind of thing and should be able to shrug it off.

No, he wouldn’t. You’d have to strike off a good proportion of professionals for recreational use of drugs.

Exactly this. Some people just love the drama.

I agree with this. Im shocked by the responses. If my older brother had done this to 21 year old me, the response from my parents would have been swift and nuclear.
Op your ds has behaved appallingly, he is a lot older than his sister and shouldn’t be exposing her to his tawdry drug use and lecherous mate. People who take coke have no moral compass at all though, so he’s clearly in need of a wake up call.

Your ds is a 28yo coke user. If you want your dd to be safe next time, you’ll need to ensure her safety yourself.

Taking coke is shit behaviour. You’ll have to bite your tongue though as he could easily just cut you off. And you could damage your DD’s relationship with him by calling him out on any of the behaviour. So probably don’t.

I wouldn’t call occasional, recreational use a druggie, I would call it occasional recreational use.
Is someone who occasionally drinks alcohol and gets drunk an alcoholic?

Your DS won’t be a solicitor for long if he picks up a criminal record for possession of cocaine.

She'd missed the last train. Presumably didn't know the area well, and her coked-up brother expected her to share the living room with a bloke that wasn't easily taking No for an answer.

I blame the brother and his girlfriend
I hope she avoids them in the future

I’ve spent enough time on MN that I shouldn’t be surprised by the posters attacking the young woman for being immature while shrugging off the young man’s drug use and cavalier lack of concern for his sister’s safety - but I still am.

Your DS is immature and selfish - I imagine he thinks that his cocaine use is cool and daring rather than marking him out as a bit of a dickhead. Maybe your DD, who, despite being younger seems to have more good sense than your DS, would benefit from distancing herself from him a bit until he hopefully grows up.

You have no idea how often he uses

YANBU

I'm shocked at the replies. I'd be ashamed of my son for both his cocaine habit, and for his lack of care for his younger sister.

For those being unkind towards the DD, saying she could have got a taxi home, you do realise that a young lone woman travelling herself is at risk of being attacked? But sounds like her brother didn't safeguard her either as the poor girl was too scared to go to sleep in case his clingy friend tried to rape her.

Honestly, I feel for your DD. I'm also sickened by the comments towards her being sheltered on this thread. Jeez, with the amount of women being attacked, raped and murdered, I'd have thought people would have been more compassionate towards her.

ETA I've never knowingly been around someone on cocaine, and I'd be disgusted if I was to be honest. Grown adults taking drugs give me the ick.

DD has had a hard time.
She has tried as she’s gone along here to protect her safety -

• decided not to get a cab back to Surrey
• asked DS if they could go back to his own flat
• at this flat she’s asked to share with someone familiar rather than with a man she doesn’t know
• she’s stayed awake
• she’s spoken to her mum about her concerns.

Out of the four adults here, she’s the youngest and least experienced, and she could have done no more to look after herself. Instead, she’s got a pissed, coked-up older brother who’s put a shag and his mate before his sister. I know times have changed. There was plenty of cocaine around by the time I got my late twenties but I managed to get by without it. The havoc I saw it bring to two ex-partners, friends never mind wider society, it gives me the rage. Next time, if there is a next time, stay in London. It’s only now and again.

Yeah except ones illegal and the other isn’t. Your son is also a criminal.

Saying it’s her fault for not being world-wise etc. Disgusting.

My daughter is a similar age. She grew up in London and she’s at University. But she has like-minded friends who do not do hard drugs. She is most definitely not used to being around cocaine in social situations even though she has gone out, and been in clubs. No doubt people have taken cocaine around her but she probably would not have been aware of that as she was with her friends.

This is ridiculous how many people are blaming the girl. Her brother should have put her safety first and he didn’t give a shit.

Oh FFS. Your son is a druggie. He is a solicitor and he is assisting money laundering, trafficking, terrorism and modern day slavery every time he buys a class A illegal drug.

He's not fit to be a solicitor ; and don't bother responding with all that crap about how it's common in the legal profession.

@ForgetBergamo agree about this young woman.
A really naive young woman would have taken the coke on offer.
Said nothing.
Possibly had an encounter with this other lad and come home feeling a right state.
I think she’s behaved brilliantly considering what transpired.

I would be absolutely livid with him, OP. I would speak to your daughter and make sure that she's never in that position again. He can't be trusted. He left her in a room overnight with a drunk man who'd been trying it on with her. That must have been terrifying for her. If she's ever to go out with him again she needs to make sure she gets the train or has the money for a taxi.

Your daughter sounds lovely, btw.

Well sounds like you have a lot of work that needs doing given all the criminal activities your son gets up to.

Turn a blind eye to it but he wants to penetrate her without her giving consent. That is criminal.

I#d be fucking livid with my son! Your dd told him she wasn't happy and he overode her feelings and safety with his 'docile' friend.

Sorry but fuck that shit, I'd be telling him how I felt about it all.

you've posted this exact OP before.

Why?

Taking drugs isn’t acceptable, I’d be reading the riot act on this alone without anything else! As for your dd, at 21 I think she does need to get a bit more worldly, she wasn’t in danger, sleeping on sofas is common, might help her grow up a bit

This seems like a real shame that you aren’t close. And I’m also not really sure what you’re hoping to get from this thread.

DD is plenty old enough to be exposed to this kind of thing and should be able to shrug it off.

Ugh. An older brother telling his younger sister she has to sleep in a room with his creepy friend is completely dickhead behaviour. The young woman had no other options so was effectively stuck in a situation where she had to be on high alert.

I am sick of living in a world where women have the responsibility of managing creepy men. And are then blamed for not handling it properly. It is like we have not moved on at all.