AIBU to want to spend less time with my partner’s children?

[CavaWhoo]

Partner has three kids aged between 14-11, and we have one aged 3 together. We have them most weekends and almost all of their school holidays, which works out to 3 nights a week on average. This is what their mum wants before anyone says “she does all the grunt work.” It used to be less but has gradually increased over the years, and their behaviour has significantly worsened.

They are individually pleasant kids, but collectively constantly fighting (both physical and verbal), very, very messy and unclean, and have no interests outside of TV/gaming, despite serious efforts. I just can’t take it anymore. I love DP but I feel like I’m wasting my life and my child’s childhood. I am an introvert and feel like I’m surrounded by absolute chaos when they’re here, and barely have time to recharge before they’re back.

AIBU to move out?

I haven't rtft (other than OP's updates) but would say these DC are close in age so competition for attention/sibling rivalry must be a factor - throw in ND, moving across two households and puberty and it's no wonder you're having a v tough time. YANBU to want to leave but if you did want to stay my suggestions would be:

• divide them up as much as poss (as you say they are pleasant on their own). At weekends, DH should be taking them out individually for at least 1.5 hrs each per day, preferably doing something physical. Whilst out I would let one be on their games and, if individually they are safe around your DC, have the other with you, helping out, it will benefit them and yiur DC to firm strong relationships. Then swap throughout the day.
• forget family meals, let them have lunch in their rooms (on proviso dishes are brought down) and for dinner two have it in their rooms and the third sits with you on a rolling basis.
• don't get too hung up on screen time if it makes life bearable
• make not swearing (particularly in front if your child) a non negotiable using whatever threats are needed.
• your DH should research parenting ND kids - the advice is often different from usual parenting methods.

Non of this is easy - it's hard and relentless and no-one would blame you for walking away but I do think you are in the hardest period.

Courts can't force a parent to take on more time. OPs husband has a legal responsibility to his children. Courts aren't designed to help parents ditch their legal responsibilities. And you really think this will create a healthy relationship between OP and her DC? When his siblings show evidence that they went to court to beg them to let them abandon his siblings?

Wouldn’t be so sure that half siblings want to be round this behaviour either.

If they abandon the DC now, the 3YO won't have any memories of the behaviour. So their excuses will be no more believable than the excuses of any other deadbeat that abandons and neglects their children.

Most people don’t care

Most people don't care about their siblings? I certainly see my parent's through different eyes as an adult based on the way they treated my older half brother. And they didn't do anything as close as abandoning him. I'm sure most people would be horrified to find out they have older siblings that their parent dedided to abandon once they came along. Especially if there are court documents evidencing that this is what they did.

And my DC are delighted they don’t have to suffer their half siblings behaviour any longer; not everyone is the same.

I certainly don't tell my parents what I really think about their parenting skills. But do you really think as an adult in a household that openly admits to failing children, you should really be here offering parenting advice?

My kids tell me though.

And you think that is healthy that you entertain conversations about how wonderful you are for deleting their siblings rather than parenting them?

😅 Really.
What if the mother decides she needs a few years off?

Nope, we just get to live a nice, drama-free life which is what OP could do if she did the same.

Off to live that nice life now, bye!

This is heartbreakingly a common attitude. Usually one you will regret in your final years IME. I hope your DC have someone they can rely on when shit hits the fan.

I feel really sorry for you OP. This does sound exceptionally difficult. I don’t think you’d be unreasonable to leave.

With the best will in the world, these kids are going off the rails and I agree it would be a disaster to drag your own child along with them.

As an interim solution - since you’re contemplating leaving anyway - could you get a break by going to stay with family or friends or even a cheap Premier Inn for an additional weekend a month? It might give your dh space to enforce some parenti neg rules

OP, have you and your husband read the explosive child? It sounds like you are constantly dealing with outburst after outburst and this book is about exactly that. You do have to deal with it like peeling layers of an onion. Start with one instance and don’t choose another until that one is resolved.

I also like the youtube channel ABA naturally (I hope that’s the name - she has big glasses and long dirty blonde hair). She’s more about little kids but I think it would work on humans generally.

What are finances like? Can you and your husband afford for you and the smallest to go away for one weekend a month? Maybe a hotel with a pool and included breakfast? And also maybe the odd night away fully for yourself? That might help you recharge if you want to give things another 6 months or a year.

If things do improve I’d make one activity each child mandatory. They don’t have to love it, but they need hobbies. And I’d make sure there are lots of graphic novels and an mp3 player and puzzles and board games if tech is banned or if you want them to reduce tech use. Don’t tell them to use any of it though. Just let it be available for them to find.

No I’m saying you can’t see kids less just because you don’t like them! That’s not how parenting works. Her child’s father is also these children’s father. They are siblings. I stand by it being horrible advice, obviously the OP wants to hear that it’s fine to distance herself from these kids, I believe that she would be doing the wrong thing.

OP, this is utterly toxic for your child.
Don't sacrifice your child's childhood for this man and HIS children.

Your child deserves so much better than this from you.

This is not for you to stay and fix.

Stop putting this man's well being ahead of your own child's.

Don't feel guilty about looking after your own needs. It is not unreasonable to do that. It is necessary for your wellbeing.
A person who is exhausted and stressed cannot help anyone else so, if at all possible, do what you, deep down, know you need to do. I wish you well 💐

Disable all screens and call a family meeting.
Set out the agenda beforehand and make sure each child has a copy in advance.
Discuss all of of this with your "DP" and make clear your desired outcomes.
If this does not work, dump "DP" and his children.