AIBU to want to spend less time with my partner’s children?

[CavaWhoo]

Partner has three kids aged between 14-11, and we have one aged 3 together. We have them most weekends and almost all of their school holidays, which works out to 3 nights a week on average. This is what their mum wants before anyone says “she does all the grunt work.” It used to be less but has gradually increased over the years, and their behaviour has significantly worsened.

They are individually pleasant kids, but collectively constantly fighting (both physical and verbal), very, very messy and unclean, and have no interests outside of TV/gaming, despite serious efforts. I just can’t take it anymore. I love DP but I feel like I’m wasting my life and my child’s childhood. I am an introvert and feel like I’m surrounded by absolute chaos when they’re here, and barely have time to recharge before they’re back.

AIBU to move out?

What a difficult situation. I agree that the kids are most probably bored silly because of tech restrictions and no friends around them. Also, I’d be pretty upset if I knew at least one of my parents wasn’t keen on having me around at the weekend.
Having said that, I’d be really worried for the little one with all this angst in the house because they’ll grow up to think this is normal and will very likely start to copy the behaviour.
So your only options as I see it, is to either separate completely. Live apart but continue the relationship, or renegotiate the current situation. The kids are unhappy and you’re unhappy. The only one happy here is their mum.
Before I made any drastic decision, I’d have a big family meeting and let everyone lay all their cards on the table. If that didn’t work then I’d probably walk away.

On what basis that the OP has decided that teenagers are too hard for her to have in her house so that must automatically be a reflection of the mother ?
They sound like pretty normal teens to me

5 years ago you moved on with a man who
was a father to three, soon to be teenagers, why? I find it hard to be sympathetic when you put yourself in the position of blending a family.
Make plans to take the little one out, they’re old enough to stay at home?
I think anyone getting into a relationship with their partner and children needs to be aware that it’ll never be a family of 3 when they have a baby together.

I despair at the number of children we are raising in horrible environments, who are being inadequately/improperly/inconsistently parented.
Then the inevitable second batch of children from blended families who also end up in utterly unsuitable andoften hostile environments, or are eventually separated from a parent; because the first batch of blending went wrong.
There's a lot to be said for not blending, and for not adding more children to plenty /already dysfunctional situations. It goes wrong far too often.

I do hope this is a joke!

How do they interact with your dd ?

Have you actually read any of the posts describing the children? This is a direct result of not being parented by either one of the parents properly so yes I blame both the mother and father for allowing it to reach this stage. The OP hasn’t done anything wrong in this case apart from getting involved and marrying this man knowing he had three children.

Also if this is your idea ‘normal’ I’d hate to be in your house!

You’d not be welcome so don’t hold your breath for an invitation 😂
Little children fight and bicker constantly unless they’re given attention and cared for, this continues into the teenage years if they’re still not given attention so what it comes down to it is we’ve got three adult adults with four children and they aren’t getting attention.

You can’t stop the bickering, but you can stop the physicality.

Shame

Straight out of the Roald Dahl Book of Parenting. (and I don't think it is a joke)

Bloody hell, I’m fairly old school but that post was just batshit crazy wasn’t it?!

When you have a child with someone the original children dont vanish, you do realise this dont you?

I can’t see any of them having any realistic prospect of moving out either and I don’t want to be living with them as adults too.

Oh god, run. This is not your battle to fight, OP. He can’t leave but you can. Move out and live in peace with your DC. I no longer see DSC, it’s transformed my life and also DC’s life.

Well, you knew he already had children and the responsibility to care for them in partnership with his ex when you got together.

It is unreasonable to expect that because you have a kid together your partner will take less responsibility for his other children.

He should however be able to better parent them and needs to improve his skills but you should not expect him to stop being a father just to please you...

@CavaWhoo just wanted to give words of support, my situation with my ex was similar, the kids were awful to each other. Their mum parented very differently so the kids ran riot, and she just couldnt manage because she herself was a really shouty person (as was my ex). Luckily I didn't have kids at the time but there's no way I would have had my own kids alongside the others as its an awful example to set. I would say they grew out of this by the time they were 18+ but its a long slog.

What id say is your partner and his ex need to seriously sit down and discuss next steps, that the risk is if things dont work out, he will need to downsize and she then won't get her flexibility either. So its in their mutual interests to sort it out. Same for the kids, a warning that if it continues, it will all fall apart, and do they really want that.

Yes. Sadly it is the reality for a lot of step children in blended families.
The children who visit always miss out. I have a few friends that blended families, the visiting children are like strangers and the relationship often burns out when the “newest” baby arrives, making them a family of three with add on children who arrive weekly to mess up the harmony.

Why is she being unreasonable to consider moving out? The biological parents did that!

he will need to downsize and she then won't get her flexibility either. So it’s in their mutual interests to sort it out. Same for the kids, a warning that if it continues, it will all fall apart, and do they really want that.
The father should downsize so his children cannot visit?? it isn’t about giving his ex flexibility, she has them as much as their Dad does.
If they’re badly behaved then blame Dad as much as DM.
What is DM decides to downsize and give full custody to Dad??

Too much tech is half the cause of the issues. They have given up all hobbies due to the tech at their mum's place. Of course kids with no interests and zero physical activity are going to act out.

I’m assuming if you go to court and the decision/ arrangement is 50/50 and one week on one off you’ll be happy with that? It does seem as though everyone’s trying to get less time with them so it’s most sensible for everyone except perhaps those poor kids.

Potential petty criminal material in the making? OP it would seem if/when you move out your DP will not be able to cope as he is struggling already. Can he refuse to have the children if he really needs peace and quiet and even could not work through stress? Would they go into care?

Tell their mother you can't have them as often due to work issues etc.

I would not want this around my toddler. I think you should move out whilst they're young.

No need for anyone else to comment, listen up everyone, Super Nanny has arrived!!!! 🎉🎉🎉

No helpful advice, you clearly just saw this as an opportunity to brag and don't know anything about children, other than your own perfect ones that is.