AIBU to want to spend less time with my partner’s children?

[CavaWhoo]

Partner has three kids aged between 14-11, and we have one aged 3 together. We have them most weekends and almost all of their school holidays, which works out to 3 nights a week on average. This is what their mum wants before anyone says “she does all the grunt work.” It used to be less but has gradually increased over the years, and their behaviour has significantly worsened.

They are individually pleasant kids, but collectively constantly fighting (both physical and verbal), very, very messy and unclean, and have no interests outside of TV/gaming, despite serious efforts. I just can’t take it anymore. I love DP but I feel like I’m wasting my life and my child’s childhood. I am an introvert and feel like I’m surrounded by absolute chaos when they’re here, and barely have time to recharge before they’re back.

AIBU to move out?

So they are three young teenagers, who are potentially neurodivergent and you expect perfect behaviour? Sounds like these kids have a lot going on and haven't dealt very well with the split of their family/life. That combined with your vilification of them is probably sending their developing brains into overdrive. I feel sorry for them. Not wanted by their mum, not wanted by their step mum and their dad is obviously not happy stuck in the middle too (on antidepressants). You can't just toss your child's siblings to the side like that, try to understand them and bond with them individually them they wouldn't hate you so much

Well I feel sorry for all the kids. However in your position op, I’d be prioritising my own and moving out. The other three have two parents who need to be dealing with this - clearly both are inadequate and that’s really sad, but not your responsibility to fix. You have your own child to worry about and currently their childhood looks like going the way of the others - wrecked.

OP, surely you are entitled to two weekends a month off. At the moment, the mum is having 3 weekends off.

@CavaWhoo so are they ND and why have you implemented a tech ban? Parenting a ND child is completely different and tech can help. Have you posted before when the children were struggling with the reduced screens etc? It obviously is counter productive, perhaps it will ne better if you leave. The children won't have to live under unnecessary restrictions.

This is not the answer here!

The parenting set up doesn't feel very fair and the strain on the weekends probably isn't helping. 50 50 could be a week on, a week off for example or any other set up which means it flows fairly across the year. Mid week is way easier than doing the holidays and weekends.

There is a concurrent thread running on NEETS and this thread emphasises the two main points from it: kids addicted to being on screens/separate bedrooms all the time which is much easier for parents, and parents (mum) who can’t be bothered to parent and lets them do what they want.
I hate to say this is going one way and there’s no chance that my 3 year old would be around that language and violence regularly.

In your shoes, I’d talk to DH and make it clear this isn’t what you want for your DC and yourself. The options are that he renegotiates to proper 50:50 (one week on/off), he swaps it to every second weekend and half holidays or you’re out. The mum says they can’t be left alone but welcome to parenting - everyone has that restriction. Go to court if needed.

The alternative is you move out and he probably can’t handle having them all that time anyhow.

Ironically the kids might be happier with their mum more although it doesn’t sound like it’s good for them.

I feel sorry for you and your DH but the mum is to blame here for not wanting them (awake!) and poor parenting.

She can still get universal credit on 50/50 week on week off if she claims the child benefit and does a bit more to buy uniform etc, lots of ways to be primary parent.

Child maintenance is different though. She may or may not be entitled to child maintenance if it's week on week off. Depends on various factors. But she can work pretty easily on week on week off.

I would have a good think about the care arrangements as it's not working clearly.

Unnecessary restrictions? Have a read of the Alan Milburn report on NEETA and the damage caused by being online so much.
It’s covered in all mainstream media but also there’s a thread running here.

I’m sure the mother needs it after getting three Neurodiverse children through the week and off to school. Yes they might spend six hours out the house once they arrive there but the two hours before hand probably resulting her needing a lie down in a darkened room.

Well, neither of the parents seem to be doing a great job at parenting these children, so I have no sympathy for either one of them.

I totally agree with @GreenhampsterAndEggs post. Please think about what they have said. Your responsibility is to yourself and DD.

It's your choice, but choosing a partner with 3 children does come with disadvantages, and you knew that from the beginning.
Should you decide to leave you may be happier, but you are depriving your own child of their father.

Awful situation. I am afraid the children came as part of the package with their dad. But you have my sympathy.
Their mum sounds as though she doesn’t want them either. Almost every weekend and all the holidays does not sound fair as a split at all. That needs to be rearranged. During the non school holidays they are at school during the day.
No. Go back. Stick your heels in and rearrange this.
They spend some holiday time with mum. And more than one weekend with her too.
And when they are at yours if they are such a handful I would simply have to set down simple boundaries. You cannot separate them, but then again you can. If DH took two of them out and you had one at the house etc. Even for a short time.

their mum doesn’t want them on weekends or their school holidays

But why does your DP have to agree to do what she wants? (Though maybe I can understand the school holiday bit if she had to start working full-time after she and your DP split up.)

Are your DP and his ex on good enough terms to have a meeting to discuss seriously how to parent their children? (Even better if she was happy for you to be there too.)

If the children are on the spectrum (has the op confirmed this?) then taking devices away will not work if they are used to regulate them. If they don't have a diagnosis then that's an avenue to go down.

In general though it's clear that there are lots of things that are not working , needs are not being met. Going out to certain placed might be triggers for the children , the schedule might be part of the problem also. Ultimately though , the husband has to do some research and try different techniques to help his kids. This , of course , can be supported by the op , but she shouldn't take the lead.

I think people also need to get out of the mindset that their mum is part of the issue. She could be , but in this situation the op has a grown up husband that is their parent and he needs to do the right things to support all of the children he chose to make.

I think only once all of these avenues have been explored it'd be right to make big future decisions. If the husband won't take big steps then the op has a very simple answer to her original question.

Lots of good suggestions here OP. What I would also say is if you do think the Step DC are ND then getting them assessed needs to be a priority. I have an AuDHD DD17 and diagnosis and medication has helped her enormously. Family therapy sounds like it would be a good call but honestly your DH and his ex need a conversation about co-parenting!

He also finds them exhausting (he’s lost work because of them and is now on antidepressants because of their behaviour) and I think would struggle to have them alone. I certainly wouldn’t want DC going to him when the older children were there and I wasn’t
Well yeah, teenagers are exhausting. He laid in his bed by having three kids close in age. What did he expect?

He needs to stop acting like he is a victim and act like the parent he chose to be. He needs to actively parent them, end of.

Agree with those suggesting not to have all three together every time. If that is not an option - how about 5 days on, 5 days off ? - so completely 50:50. Acknowledge their Mum won’t want this - but sounds like they don’t like the arrangements she has made and she may need to compromise. This would give DH a chance to supervise in term time and set a routine and boundaries. Surely the 14 year old could refuse to come to you at all? - so Mum needs to be careful. Children’s views are considered at 12 if you go to court (and sometimes younger). If they have SEN, can you access any support or short breaks through social care?

It's stuff like this this gives these kids the upper hand.

You say you have tried kow towing and hobbies.

I think though there may be other things you could do though, @CavaWhoo

Is there any chance that you or your partner could find work at the other end of the country or even in a different country?At any rate, far enough away that they wouldn't be around you.

In the meantime, tell their mum, just tell her that the arrangement won't be continuing and impress that upon her by not being in when they are dropped off. You will have to do this a few times before the penny finally drops.

Maybe threaten to report her for cash in hand and do so if she squeaks.

Go back to the court and formalise custody arrangements that mean she has almost all of the time..

Get a rod of iron when for when they do manage to get over your threshold and , this is the important bit, use it. Take away every screen, food that they don't like. I would say a wash of the mouth with carbolic when they use language you don't like but the police would probably arrest you!

So, make it an unpleasant place for them to be, tell their mum that that custody arrangement won't be carrying on .(If they are with you today, get them in the car and drop them off where ever she may be) and make plans to move far away.

Ignore limp cabbages that tell you they must be unhappy. That's bollocks. Let them be unhappy elsewhere, far away from your small child.

Sadly we do not get to choose the children we have. You got these children when you started a family with your DP. You can’t opt out (well you can, but you can’t opt your child out, so same thing) when the going gets tough.

I feel for the kids, they’re kids, but they are being judged and not accepted as they are.

This is just horrible advice. It puts those poor children in the middle of adult disagreements. ‘Don’t be in when they are dropped off’?!!! What a horrible thing that would be to experience, knowing your parents went out because they didn’t want you in the house.

also ‘upper hand’ this is not the children’s battle, it isn’t even a battle, they are pawns and need to be protected.

I’ve re read and now I’m wondering if you’re joking! I hope so…!

It is not horrible advice. It is advice which will allow the OP to bring up her child in a peaceful environment and keep her relationship.

I wonder what you would suggest-Kind Hands, Chats, Hobbies, Therapy, Low Demand Parenting because they have all proved to be effective thus far haven't they.