AIBU to want to spend less time with my partner’s children?

[CavaWhoo]

Partner has three kids aged between 14-11, and we have one aged 3 together. We have them most weekends and almost all of their school holidays, which works out to 3 nights a week on average. This is what their mum wants before anyone says “she does all the grunt work.” It used to be less but has gradually increased over the years, and their behaviour has significantly worsened.

They are individually pleasant kids, but collectively constantly fighting (both physical and verbal), very, very messy and unclean, and have no interests outside of TV/gaming, despite serious efforts. I just can’t take it anymore. I love DP but I feel like I’m wasting my life and my child’s childhood. I am an introvert and feel like I’m surrounded by absolute chaos when they’re here, and barely have time to recharge before they’re back.

AIBU to move out?

If I knew they’d be like this, I’d have walked away in seconds. But they’ll always be in my life now as we have a shared child.

We’ve self-referred to early help before. They said we were doing all we could and discipline needed to be aligned at both houses.

They’re not causing each other permanent injuries or burning their schools down so nobody seems to care.

Maybe I am over sensitive to it but I feel like the stress is damaging me.

How verysadgor these teenagers, rejected by mjm, no wonder they are like this.

Why do they want more time at their mums? Maybe there needs to be more effort put in to making them feel at home at their dad's.

My plan was that they would grow up to behave reasonably? That they’d mature? I’d say it’s only since the oldest started secondary that their behaviour started to feel abnormal.

Their mum thinks their behaviour is completely fine.

No screen time/gaming limits and closer to friends.

Yanbu to move out.

sounds awful and I wouldn’t subject my child to that.

regarding your partner finding his children exhausting. Yes, they are. That’s why most people choose to have less than 4.

just doing some maths!…
say 12 waking hours a day, 6 on a school day..
she has them ish (5 x 6 x 40) + (12 x 12 x 2) + (3 x 7 x 12) =1,740
you have them (12 x 2 x 40) + (11x7x 12)=1,884
so very similar , rough calcs!

I do think we have them for more parenting time. I’d much prefer a week on, week off schedule. At the moment, almost every single day is work or them so there’s only one weekend a month to recharge.

OP - could you explain a little more about their behaviour? 11-14 with three of them together is tricky! I'm wondering how bad this really is or if it's more the difference of you having a 3 year old and liking a peaceful house and you've got 3 adolescents / early teens who are riling each other up but in the boundaries of normal. My own kids were a pain in the backside at this age and if someone had dropped me in to that situation, I would have struggled. You can never predict how your own teens will be! This is an age where they frequently start dropping hobbies, push boundaries, are influenced by secondary school peers etc. My DH is like you, he thrives in order and calm and particularly struggled during these years with the mess and noise that seems to follow them.

I’m sorry to say op, that from experience (and I’ll caveat this to say she has developed in to a wonderful woman at 18), parenting of ND teenagers is fucking hard. No other stage of parenting compares and neither does parenting NT teenagers. I imagine this will get worse for the next decade. Sorry.

This is the reality of caring for children of that age. Yabvu to consider moving out, they are family.

It sounds tough but op saying he’s lost work because of them and is on antidepressants because of them is ridiculous- they’re kids and he shouldn’t be blaming them, things happen. People see gaming and tv as horrific interests to have, and see sports and outdoor activities as worthy but not everyone is sporty or creative, I definitely wasn’t, the thing is to balance it all and yes it’s exhausting, but he has to parent them, drag them out places (generally bribes work(!)), make them play board games or help him with stuff, do projects with them then let them play games/ watch tv. And consequences for really bad behaviour, but calmly put to them. And I know it’s hard, horrendously hard but it does work sometimes!!!

Cruel and harsh post

If you don’t have anything constructive to say, maybe don’t bother. That was just nasty.

Surely they need to work out a more equal arrangement

This is what I’m scared of because by the time the youngest is an adult, our child is a teenager and their young childhood is gone.

I can’t see any of them having any realistic prospect of moving out either and I don’t want to be living with them as adults too.

Ban TV and gaming until their behaviour improves, start with limited access if they misbehave remove it again. It's a huge change when the eldest starts secondary and puberty kicks in.

I think it’s probably on the cusp of normal, for boisterous, rowdy, physical sensation seeking teens. I would say that in an average hour, there’ll be two cases of physical violence or verbal aggression. It’s not always hitting or kicking each other but really nasty words like “you fucking pathetic piece of shit, get your infected hands away from my hoody, you are so fat and ugly it make me sick” said with such contempt it really makes me shudder. I just don’t want DC around it or thinking it’s normal because - to me - it’s not.

Maybe I am right at the other end of this because my childhood was very peaceful and calm. The worst my sister and I ever did was a pillow fight, and that was once or twice!

I think I would have to separate rather than live like this. It isn’t fair on your DD.

Oh goodness, I’d get your 3yo away from that as soon as I possibly could op. Before they copy and think it’s normal.

I agree I was one of 2 sisters I think we were good kids but we still had silly fights at this age...about anything ..the washing up, anything. Knives waved at one another from the washing up etc..🤦‍♀️

I don't think it sounds abnormal. This is why teens are hardwork...close in age like this they will egg each other on.

Having 3 kids plus 1 more was always going to be hard

Why does mum get to dictate days and hours of custody?

is this through court?

Does your partner pay money to their mum? If this worked out correctly due to time with you?

I would work on changing the custody agreement so you only do 2/4 weekends, equal amount of school holidays and then equal nights in term time if live locally.

or one week on and one off.

either way I would take the 3yr old to see your family as much as possible so you not around the situation,

I would not tolerate that language at all. How to stop it, I do not know.but there would be no Wi-Fi access or any electronics available.

Understandable. My DH also had an extremely ordered childhood (borderline military!) which created calm, but perhaps a different kind of 'on edge'. He's therefore very noise sensitive. I don't think talking to each other like that is normal at that frequency and there shouldn't be swearing or that degree of physicality so I can understand your concern. But I suspect they feel a bit unwanted in both homes (rightly or wrongly) and picking up on vibes. I think it sounds like a huge problem of different living styles. How are they with their younger sibling? Also - are they all boys (just wondering with the physicality side)?

He pays her maintenance and she needs to remain as a lead parent (? I don’t know what it’s called) for universal credit which is why she has 4 nights a week.

I’m going to have to put it to DP that I can’t handle this anymore and see what he comes up with. For the past year I’ve been taking DC out/away as much as I can when they’re here so it won’t come as a shock.