AIBU to want to spend less time with my partner’s children?

[CavaWhoo]

Partner has three kids aged between 14-11, and we have one aged 3 together. We have them most weekends and almost all of their school holidays, which works out to 3 nights a week on average. This is what their mum wants before anyone says “she does all the grunt work.” It used to be less but has gradually increased over the years, and their behaviour has significantly worsened.

They are individually pleasant kids, but collectively constantly fighting (both physical and verbal), very, very messy and unclean, and have no interests outside of TV/gaming, despite serious efforts. I just can’t take it anymore. I love DP but I feel like I’m wasting my life and my child’s childhood. I am an introvert and feel like I’m surrounded by absolute chaos when they’re here, and barely have time to recharge before they’re back.

AIBU to move out?

I really feel for you. It's horrible, I know, I lived through it with my own children. All I can say, there's light at the end of the tunnel. My children are now young, responsible adults, with every one of them (3) working full-time. Children wear you down and can ruin even the most perfect marriage/ relationship. We don't talk about this enough or at least not honestly enough. I wish you all the best.

So who will be looking after them for the whole summer break? Does your DH get six weeks off from work? It shouldn't be your job to parent them in the holidays (or any time really), so if DH isn't off then their mum should be sharing in the holiday care.

Every post you make is nasty and this one is not even slightly clever, why are you wasting your life being shitty to people.

If a child (I don’t care whose child), ever spoke like this in my presence they’d lose all screen privileges until earned back. And it’s only earned back by 7 days of sufficient chores and without name calling/ screaming / shouting at others.

And the screen time ban wouldn’t automatically reset just because they’ve gone to mums if they hadn’t fully earned it back already.

You have to follow through. And you have to be consistent with all of them. Soon they’ll be too old to implement this.

Also, what games are they playing? Violent and pg18 games (such as GTA) adversely affect behaviour - perhaps such games should be banned altogether (if you can agree this with their mum)

Do you think the fact their mum doesn't have them barely enough is playing a part in their behaviour?
Could you speak to them individually and ask them? I have almost 3yr old and wouldn't want him around all that chaos. YNBU OP for thinking of yourself and childs wellbeing after putting up with their behaviour for so long.

He pays her maintenance and she needs to remain as a lead parent (? I don’t know what it’s called) for universal credit which is why she has 4 nights a week.

why is her UC more important than your kids childhood?

I would ask your DH to get court ordered schedule of 50/50 - alternating weekends and sharing school holidays.

Yanbu, but never would I have been with someone who had 3 children in the first place. I would just leave. The age gap is far too huge for the kids to grow or have any deep bonds in any case. Why spend any of your time, energy and focus on this chaos when your one and only child deserves to have a mum that is fully focused on them.
I also doubt if he’s left with his 3 kids, that he will be keen on having your toddler over too to add to the chaos.
leave or have separate living arrangements.

That is horrible and vile language and behaviour- why are you normalising this for your toddler? This is exactly how he will grow up too. Not all teens are like this. I certainly didn’t grow up like this and neither did dh. I’ve never seen this in fact. Even today.
it sounds like a hell household and I would take my child and leave

He doesn't sound any more adequate himself, OP said he finds them exhausting, and is on anti-depressants because of them and she thinks he would struggle with them alone.

May e he kept a bit quiet about how awful his kids behaviour was

Honestly some people on here will do anything to blame a " new" partner

I'd say this. DP needs to say to mum that something needs to change and probsbly they need to come up with a parenting plan so they are aligned in major behavioural things.
He can also say that he needs to change the arrangements and put his foot down. I would say that splitting them up may work or she accepts that DP has them for some school days. What is going to happen during the summer months ?

I think it’s a hopeless situation. There is no resolution because there is no real co-parenting here, and it seems unlikely there is ever going to be, because there seems to be no compromise. Were there no signs of all this before you had a child together? I would have seriously considered not having a child with him whilst all this was going on. It’s just bringing someone else into the chaos. Unfortunately this is a classic example of how things can turn out if breakups and subsequent raising of children from a broken relationship isn’t handled properly. Based on people’s suggestions on here and your responses, I think your only option is to protect yourself and your joint child by walking away from it all. It’s sad but sometimes things are so broken that they’re beyond fixing.

They sound miserable which in turn is making you miserable. It’s sad all round. Teens can act up but I think when it’s constant like this and to the extent they’re “ripping up carpets” in anger, there’s definitely far more to it. Guess their parents divorce has affected them and splitting their lives half and half between the two homes at their age must be tough. They might also pick up on you not really wanting them around, dad has a new kid with you too and they feel that’s his “new family”.

It’s hard to say but if you’re adamant you can’t stick it out, separation is the best way forward for all involved.

I had 3 kids this close together who are ND. It was HARD WORK. When you have kids, you do not really get time without them until they are old enough to get themselves out and about. The behaviour sounds fairly normal to me but the language is appalling. I wonder if it is actual attention seeking as they are feeling unwanted and unsettled. What happens if you just ignore it completely and just try and keep your little one away from it when it kicks off.
I also agree that the mother is having a laugh here with you doing 50% and her getting maintenance etc. This should be challenged. If you had then on school days and less weekends, this would probably feel more manageable.
I would try and hang on there and fight for something more reasonable.

Op id personally move my child
far away from this. But if you insist on staying you need to totally switch up the parenting in your house. Not every kid responds to militant parenting (you’ve proven this) and it sounds the there’s ND and/or attachment issues etc going on here. These kids need safety, stability, connection, nurture and understanding. Is anyone asking these kids how they feel? Why they’re dysregulated and chasing dopamine hits from winding eachother up all the time? The calm parenting podcast is a good starting point. Also the emotions lab on insta. I’d invest in a completely different parenting style or move out. Protect that baby this will ruin his life

Oh and the mother centred parenting schedule needs addressed, it doesn’t suit the kids and they’re the priority here. Stand up for them as well as your own son, why is your husband scared of her?

What a mess...

His poor kids. Two parents who have not learned effective parenting skills plus permanently being shuttled around and disrupted during adolescence - this is never going to turn out well. They are their parents' responsibility. Not yours.

Your poor child. Probably frightened of these three big, loud aggressive people who come and go and cause chaos. She can't be happy or feel safe in their presence. She IS your responsibility, though - and she is observing and hearing their behaviour right now that may be harmful to her because their parents are failing them.

Poor parents? Not really - they've failed to learn how to cooperate and teach and manage their children. What's stopping them taking parenting classes, learning how to do it better?

And for you - yes, your child needs you. ( She needs her father too; but he is both ineffectual and wrestling with split attention duties. ) She needs to feel safe and secure and consistent - and the adults in her life are currently failing to provide this.

If their parents don't pull their act together, you have a very difficult decision to make - for your daughter's sake.

I find the 24hr rule works well with teenagers especially around gaming tach. When they do something wrong the device is removed for 24hrs, if they kick off about it the 24hrs restarts if they repeat the behaviour the 23 hrs restarts. If used consistently it works quite quickly. 24hrs is not too long to wait and they start to think about their behaviour as they know it will restart the clock.
As for cancelling days out when they misbehave, does that make the situation worse, it maybe that this is not the best consequence as it punishes everyone.

I think these kids sound bored shitless. Absolutely bored out their minds and are winding each other up as a source of entertainment.

Dad is probably aware too that they are at an age where they can easily say, no I'm not coming over this weekend.

He needs to do stuff with them. Golf or driving range, badminton, climbing centre, ice-skating, dry ski slope, bike ride, get them stuff to do.
Sitting around the house play board games, build jigsaws, actually do stuff with them.

Cancelling days out probably isn't the best idea either. If the root of the problem is boredom that just creates more boredom.

I don't think you should end your relationship braking your childs home because of the 3 half siblings.
The 3 kids will grow up and stop being as nasty to each other soon enough.

So do you end up doing all the childcare in the school holiday? Can you not go to court and get a different arrangement? One week on and one week off.

OP, having read through your thread, and most of the responses, I think you are over-complicating things for yourself. This is not to say that this is not important, it is, it's just if you break it down, your options are fairly clear, if limited.

(apologies for the very long post)

Raising your own, useless, grumpy, normal teenagers is hard enough. You grit your teeth and get through it.

These are not normal teenagers and they are also not yours.

It's difficult because you joint-own your home, I think I read that you said that. This is a problem, but if you are not married, it is not insurmountable.

The fact that your partner cannot afford a huge home for his part-time, feral teenagers is not your problem to fix.

The fact that your partner seems to have mental health issues which are undoubtedly exacerbated by the stress of dealing with teenagers is also not your problem to fix, as much as you care. You cannot fix him, he will need to do this for himself.

You won't be able to have much of a relationship with your partner anyway, with all your energy focused on dealing with the teenagers.

All you can do is deal with yourself and your child. It's not an easy thing to do, but it is simple, if that makes sense? Find out what your red lines are, and stick to them. No ifs or buts. No get-out clauses. Yes or no.

Do you want to live like this? (not, can you muddle through the next however many years, stressing all the time - do you want this?)

Do you want your three-year-old to grow up like this? (and learn how to 'behave' from her siblings?)

Is ruining your child's childhood worth it?

Would you want your best friend to live like this?

Can your mental and physical health deal with this kind of life for another seven years? Can your child's?

Do what is best for you and your child. Only you will know what that is.

You will have to change your situation. Your partner will not or cannot change it for you. If he were capable of dealing with his teenagers effectively, he would have done it already.

No relationship is worth your mental health or your child's future happiness.

The solution is he takes them 100% of tge time and whips them into shape but i doubt he will

If the kids are with their dad almost half the actual parenting time it's ridiculous to put all the blame on their mum.

My ex doesn't parent much, doesn't have have boundaries, rules, chores, screen time limits, mainly eat junk. But I've made it really clear to my children that its not the case here. They are ND and it's taken a lot of work but they respond really positively to structure, rules and responsibilities.

How often do the kids see their friends when with you? Do they have chores? They sound totally bored. You can't just remove screen time but not replace it with something else. Get out swimming, climbing, biking. Encourage and support them all to see friends. Show them they are loved and wanted as I expect they don't feel like that currently. Focus on positive interactions not always negative ones.

A court cannot make anyone have their children, the mother doesn’t want more time

Also - when my kids were refusing to go places I turned it into more fun. For example giving them a budget and getting them each to come up with a plan for a weekend day trip. They loved it.