AIBU to want to spend less time with my partner’s children?

[CavaWhoo]

Partner has three kids aged between 14-11, and we have one aged 3 together. We have them most weekends and almost all of their school holidays, which works out to 3 nights a week on average. This is what their mum wants before anyone says “she does all the grunt work.” It used to be less but has gradually increased over the years, and their behaviour has significantly worsened.

They are individually pleasant kids, but collectively constantly fighting (both physical and verbal), very, very messy and unclean, and have no interests outside of TV/gaming, despite serious efforts. I just can’t take it anymore. I love DP but I feel like I’m wasting my life and my child’s childhood. I am an introvert and feel like I’m surrounded by absolute chaos when they’re here, and barely have time to recharge before they’re back.

AIBU to move out?

Okaaayyy just read what they say to each other. Not normal and not ok, especially the fat and ugly thing. Your dh needs to absolutely step in (again calmly and I am sorry saying that but we’ve done the losing it at them and talking calmly does work it’s just so hard to do!). Op tbh you sound like you’ve decided you’re out and if you are it’s ok but just really hard. Hugs to you

OP, I absolutely could not live like this. YANBU

He does step in, he’ll send the offender to their room, and then the victim will do something just as bad to the third. Then get sent to their room, the original comes out and the third will pick on the original. And so on.

We’ve had whole weekends like this.

They don’t have hobbies or many friends here, their mum isn’t interested on aligning on things like tech bans so they just go to their room for an hour and rip up carpet or pick at the walls or stare out the window instead.

I’m just so exhausted with it. I don’t know why they have to live like this.

"He'd struggle with them alone" = you're being relied on to fulfil a role that it isn't your duty to fill.
Hard on him when/if you move out, but I think you need to put your own /your 3yr old's sanity and quality of life first.
Him and the kids' mum are the parents.

Why?

Genuine question.

If this isn't working for any of you but Mum, tough shit.

Getting it all reassessed seems like a fair and logical starting point. You have a three year old to safeguard. And that's not currently happening.

Sounds like they’re bored and like they need something to occupy them. I suspect at their Mums they wouldn’t spend so much time together.

I think they need some hobbies when they come to you. Does your DP take them out and do stuff with them?

Nope, not a chance I would continue propping up this inadequate parent. Sorry, this arrangement has to end. Does this mean she doesn't work, but gets maintenance from you, and three out of four weekends free plus weekdays while they're in school?

And their dad has agreed to this because...? She can't threaten to withhold contact, because she doesn't want to have them more than this!

I suspect this is one of those 'he's more worried about upsetting her than he is about upsetting you' situations. Well, that has to change. He needs to go to court and get a more realistic schedule set up. You will have to seriously plan to move out at least until that happens.

Give over. Nobody knows what kids will be like as teens, and this post is really unfair.

It sounds dreadful. I wouldn't blame you for moving out so your own child can have a normal childhood.

Teens need boundaries, it seems like they are lashing out.

You’re right, at their mum’s they spend their evenings/nights on separate devices in their bedrooms. It’s scary how much time. Here we do allow TV and some device time but we also expect them to eat dinner at the table and participate in family events which they really struggle to do.

They used to all have sports on a weekend which helped but they’ve all quit now. They refuse to do anything active and have no creative or music or other hobbies. They’re all overweight and there’s a lot of arguments about food too. DP takes them to the cinema a lot.

How far away from their mum do you live OP?

It sounds like it must be some distance as you say you’re far from the DC’s friends etc.

I’m wondering if they are cross because if they were at “home” they’d be able to hang out with their friends, but every weekend they go to their dad’s and miss out on what their mates are doing, so take it out on their brothers?

i honestly wouldn’t want to live in that environment either, but if you all lived closer to mum and the DC could flow more freely between the two houses and their friends, would that ease tensions?

YANBU OP. I hope you DP comes up with a workable solution but in the meantime I’d be taking toddler and making myself scarce if I were you. Overnight hotel breaks if finances allow to limit the time around SC. It sounds horrible and draining and I totally understand why you don’t want your DC around it.
Also offering a little hand hold and support re the people who say ‘well you knew he had kids!’ Yes but equally you don’t expect to be parenting SC at the toddler level forever. I have a 14yo SS and if I’d known years ago that he still wouldn’t be able to be left in the house unsupervised even now, and how insanely limited my life would be because of it, then I’d never have signed up for it.
FYI OP the stepparent board is less cut throat than AIBU and you’ll find a lot more people who get it.

The fact is this behaviour takes hard parenting for a long time. I’d approach it with a job for each incident of talking to someone like that, ranging from coming to the shops with me to emptying the dish’s washer or hanging out washing, maybe stagger it with extra homework or reading. But you’d have to stand over them for every minute of it and say dry the wet dish, it goes in that cupboard, keep going you’re about 10% through, don’t talk to me like that or there will be another job, you’d have to sit next to them reading and ask them to read aloud and maybe they wouldn’t read a word just spend half an hour swearing and sulking and I anticipate that behaviour and need to supervise 100% would last for at least a month and probably longer and that’s very hard and takes a lot of time, a full time job just about. It’s ok if the op isn’t up for that when the dad isn’t either and the mum isn’t even on board.

She works as a self employed nail tech. I don’t know how many hours a week.

I think it’s more that whenever he’s declined time with them, she tells them he doesn’t love or want them so he feels emotionally guilt tripped. When they split she withheld contact for a while and I think he’d do anything to prevent feeling they feel unwelcome or “turned against him.”

Hi @CavaWhoo .

These kids do sound like very hard work, and not great for your 3 yr old to be around.

It sounds like you have tried different approaches, and tried to source help from multiple sources, but nothing has worked.

I can completely understand why you would want to take your son out of that environment.

You could ask your DP to renegotiate the custody arrangements, although it doesn't sound like he is keen to do that. And probably his ex won't agree to any changes. And they would still be with you for at least 50% of weekends and holidays.

And it may well be the case that they will be living at home for some time as young adults.

So do you really think you are done?

In which case you need to start working out how you can afford to move out, and where you will go.

What do you think your DP's response will be if you tell him you're moving out?

How do you feel about leaving HIM, aside from his kids?

Only 30 mins away. They do see their mum’s as home though.

Take your DC and move far far away. You cannot have him/her around these kids if you are not present.

He's a coward who has no more interest in parenting them than she does.

He needs to get tough and go to court. If she fills their heads with nonsense, let her. If the decide they don't want to live with him at all and the courts support this let them.

Its not as if it will make the current situation any worse.

Out of interest what are the consequences for any of this? What does DP do to ensure they don't say those things to each other when under your roof? Or is he too fearful of them refusing to come?

In your shoes OP, I would run a mile. Since you have a young child I would run several more miles away from this situation before their childhood is really screwed up.

Edit, you replied while I did other things and I didn't refresh. Just sending them to their room isn't a proper consequence, especially as it isn't working.

Very sad. He’s a good partner and dad to our child. I worry for his mental health if we separated. He has often begged me not to give up on the children because he thinks enough consistency would fix everything but I honestly think it can’t whilst they have two homes

Fucking hell🤣🤣🤣🤣

Calm down Trunchbull

Time out, reduces allowance, cancels trips and days out. It makes no difference.

It separates them which is sometimes all we can do. It’s not like having a family sometimes but running a jail. They don’t care about anything.