AIBU to want to spend less time with my partner’s children?

[CavaWhoo]

Partner has three kids aged between 14-11, and we have one aged 3 together. We have them most weekends and almost all of their school holidays, which works out to 3 nights a week on average. This is what their mum wants before anyone says “she does all the grunt work.” It used to be less but has gradually increased over the years, and their behaviour has significantly worsened.

They are individually pleasant kids, but collectively constantly fighting (both physical and verbal), very, very messy and unclean, and have no interests outside of TV/gaming, despite serious efforts. I just can’t take it anymore. I love DP but I feel like I’m wasting my life and my child’s childhood. I am an introvert and feel like I’m surrounded by absolute chaos when they’re here, and barely have time to recharge before they’re back.

AIBU to move out?

I am afraid I would insist they are out doing something. Find out what is available and make it non negotiable- teenage boys need to be active - it doesn’t have to be sport but they need to be busy. Maybe dad needs to get this organised - camping, out on forest walks, up (bloody steep) hills. I think it’s the same principle as taking younger kids out to the park every day to run off steam- teens and toddlers are pretty similar. FWIW they sound like many siblings, but I am fucking glad I don’t live with them!

Your DP needs to sit down with the children and you together as a family and ask them what they want? Explain the behaviour is getting you all down. Ask what they think, ask what they want to do. It is likely they will say to be at Mums more. If they want to continue with the current arrangement they need to recognise their poor behaviour and abide by your house rules. Mum will have a tough time saying no to the kids if they want more time at their primary home. They are of the age where they can simply refuse to come to you at weekends and the courts will listen to them if it gets that far. Also DP needs to stop maintenance or cut drastically if they are spending nearly 50% of their time with you. Maybe Mum will go get a job with more hours? She gets UC and child maintenance and hardly has her kids at weekends, maybe she will chose more time with her terrible teens rather than a maintenance cut? You and your joint DS are not getting a good quality of family life atm. Something needs to change

Then run OP. Don't stay with a sinking ship, you are just rearranging the deckchairs which help nobody least of all you or the 3 year old. I'm sorry.

It sounds really tough OP. Clearly they need more physical outlets for their energy. I think their Dad needs to do more to get them moving and create healthier (fun) habits. Maybe a week in the lakes climbing mountains or take them mountain biking. I wouldn't be giving them choice just 'tommorow we are doing X'.

His parenting strategies are for much younger kids and not at all appropriate for the behaviour they’re displaying. He needs to work on the connection between everyone. You need house rules and them to be a part of those rules. These kids need to learn how to regulate their emotions. That doesn’t happen by punishing them with punishments they don’t even care about. They need tools for regulating and then to be guided toward them. They need to find different words for expressing their feelings that aren’t abusive. All these things take an emotionally aware parent who has a clue about ND teens. The weekends need structure. They need to earn screen time. They need to do an activity each weekend morning first. Take a walk in the park, go rock climbing, whatever. Then have lunch and then let them rot on screens so you get a peaceful afternoon. You have no structure and he’s drowning. Move out and you won’t be able to protect your own child. Like it or not you’re in this now.

This situation sounds very difficult for you. Could you maybe try just having one or two of his children sometimes instead of all three all the time?

It's quite sad a situation. At 11-14 they are still children - although for the OP with a 3 year old they probably seem much older.

What they are saying really isn’t normal teen talk

You need another partner

Feel similar about my partners kids.
We have none together but mine are here 24/7. His less and I've put my foot down at any more due to the chaos it causes in the household when they're here. This is because their other house has zero rules even around school attendance.
I long for the day they're 18 and I'm hoping my partner and I make it to the other side together because some days I don't know how long I can keep doing it for.
Our relationship is brilliant when they're not here but they're the source of 95% of any argument we have.

Its hard and if we don't work out I'm done with relationships.

They won't if you split up. You wouldn't have to ever see them again, if you didn't want to.

You aren't unreasonable to not want to be around them or wanting to see them less, you would be unreasonable to push for their dad to see them less.

I can't see it improving any time soon tbh.

I was in a relationship where he had 1 child, who was mildly annoying, nowhere near as extreme as you describe. But even that I couldn't handle, so I made excuses and ended it.

Or go with me for a second, he can't face doing it on his own and knows he wouldn't be able to meet anyone else who would put up with it.

Is the current arrangement a CAO, or have they sorted it out themselves?

If it's not court-ordered, your DP needs to step up and say that it needs to change, because it doesn't sound as if the children even like the current arrangements tbh. They'd presumably like to see their friends more during weekends so why can't they have two weekends a month at their Mum's house, for example? If your DP can have them on some school days, it would be better.

Exactly. The partner already has more than enough kids but of course they can't possibly NOT have another kid because they started a new relationship 🙄what a mess. I can't even imagine getting with someone who had that many kids and thinking about having more! I'd just accept we weren't compatible and move on, plenty of fish in the sea.

I wouldn't be canceling trips and days out for bad behavior because you'll just get into a cycle of: they do nothing > they get bored (I don't know why there is a line through this) > they behave badly --> they lose their next day out. Lather, rinse, repeat. They need a different consequence. (Notice how canceling their day out means he doesn't have to take them all out for the day and deal with their behavior when they are out?)

Also if they are overweight then canceling their days out means they are going to get less exercise which will not help their weight/health problems.

Also, I think the nastiness to each other won't extinguish unless he gives them different ways of dealing with conflict. So maybe a punishment would be they have to find a way of saying the same thing with less inflammatory words. Then he can go over their words with them. For example, if Kid A calls Kid B nasty names, then he sends Kid A to their room and then after 5 min he goes into Kid B's room and talks about, what happened here. Then go into Kid A's room. Ask same thing. Then, tell Kid A, here is how you approach this situation. This is what you say when this happens. Kids don't automatically know how to deal with conflict. They have to be taught. Then the consequence is, you have to go apologize to Kid B.

If mom neeeeeeeeds the 4 days with the kids then this is a bargaining chip for him. Because his other option is to ask for full custody. (Then they would be in a consistent environment and he could really work on their behavior). So he could say, for the next few months I would like to only have Tim (whoever is the oldest) for the weekend. Then Sandra only for next weekend. Then Bella only for the weekend after that. And then when that one kid is there, he does father-child things with that child. Alone time with their parent is what children generally crave - your total attention to listen to their Pokemon ramblings and why Mrs. Smith at school is mean. Alternately, he can take ONE child out each weekend for a hot cocoa, giving each child a turn one weekend out of the month. My kids' behavior was so changed by just having time with their dad's full attention. If you can't handle the other two kids while he takes one kid somewhere, then that is why he needs the children's mother to have them for the weekend so he can focus on one child at a time. Again, he has more control of this than he thinks.

With my kids, they do tend to argue if they are all cooped up together for too long. So I spend a lot of the weekends driving this kid to this friend's house, that kid to that friend's house, this other kid has a friend over, and so on. Just keeping things very active and a lot going on, and again, if two kids were out at a friend's house, the other kid has alone-time with their parent. "The Devil finds work for idle hands," which basically means if kids have nothing to do, they will FIND something to do, and it will usually be to annoy you, or annoy each other, or break something.

Sorry, I didn't speak to the issue of you moving out but those are my thoughts on how he should start making progress with his kids.

I voted YANBU to move out, because of course you are not if you can't live like this. But as you still love him and he does sound like he is trying his best to parent, maybe you could do a less drastic action as a 1st step to see if it helps you cope.

Could you take 1 night of the weekends they stay at a hotel with you and the little 1? It would be cheaper than running an extra home, you could spend the rest of the days with your DH & DC and you have quality time with your DC every weekend, possibly somewhere different each time.

I'd also say he needs to relook at the custody agreement though the courts. She isn't having them for any of their days off school apart from 1 weekend a month, playing the system to get all the benefits and maintenance while doing as little parenting hours as possible. If she don't want to go 50/50 that's on her (unless you go through the courts) but you should at least be 50/50 through the holidays so doing equally share of those school free days. Does she have them at all on the 6 weeks break?

The only answer is separate homes (no need to split up with DP). When DP has his DC with him, he can live at his house, otherwise at yours. He still parents but you don't have to.

I am afraid decisions have consequences. Your partner chose to have three children with a woman who sounds like a dreadfully inadequate parent resulting in three fat foulmouthed feral children. That was his choice. There is no way I'd be co-owner and paying for a 5 bedroom house to share with these children and try to co-parent them.

The house will have to be sold and you should go your separate ways. It is not on you to provide separate bedrooms for them. This cpuld be a valuable opportunity for them to see consewuences in action. This simply can't be your little girl's childhood. You don't want her to have these children as any sort of role model for her.

Leave. Raise your dc the way you want to creating the adult you want them to become. Of course you didn’t see into to the future and realize all this was going to transpire. Are you much younger than him?

move and work out his seeing shared dc later down the road. Maybe he will only see dc when you are there also. Just say…I’m done and I’m leaving.

My head is so overwhelmed thinking about parenting someone else’s children while those actual parents don’t have a fair reasonable parenting time split and one house is chaotic. Selfishly I wouldn’t care
about SC. I would care about my health my life and my dc. You can’t parent dc while all this is going on.

I’m really surprised by the responses.
you’ve said they aren’t rude, just whiny and fight between themselves, and messy.
Sounds like teenagers. You married someone with older kids, what did you expect?
if I’m honest I think you’re being a bit ridiculous and probably a bit precious first born.

Wait till yours starts acting up same age because poor kids because the adults can't figure it out because the way they act is not them or there fault it's either learned behaviour or undisciplined behaviours...no the kids did not make your dh lose his job he lost it because he wasn't being a good parent stop blaming them. You knew he had kids I always find it amusing how the scenario changes with some once you have your own child then suddenly oh my you can't stand the step kids...my DH and I are blended and never in a million years would I have got with him if I thought my kids x 2 from first marriage would be treat any differently.and 17 years of 9 kids and a very happy marriage is down to being on the same page, communicating about every little detail for each child and following thru...he is a great step dad, has never acted any different to any child his or not...you can choose to blame the kids for everything, you can choose to blame his ex but at the end of the day all the kids want is consistency, correct discipline and love when at yours...our oldest have just recently age 19 decided to stop contact with there dad who was never regular anyhow, there also in the process of removing his surname which was a beautiful suprise for my dh and shows the hard work he has put in as there step parent

At the heart of this, is they are bored. Their friends are not nearby, and they are so used to falling back on their screens when they are bored, so it’s a double whammy of no friends and then kicking off with each other. Having different rules in each house isn’t helping, they are going to resent coming as their friends aren’t nearby and they have screen time limits when they do come. I’m surprised the eldest isn’t already saying he doesn’t want to come.

He needs to think of some more activities to get them out of the house (stuff like paddle boarding, family activities teens enjoy) or just increase their screen time as it certainly doesn’t sound like anyone is benefiting from them having these rules half the time. Sounds like mum isn’t going to start reducing screen time if the result is what happens at your house, they just kick off. Hate to say it but i’d just let them go to their rooms and play their play stations as rules are of little benefit when they are only 50%. I personally had no screen time limits for mine who are 18 and 21 now and both highly academic and haven’t got brain rot or behaviour issues like some would believe.

You’re all suffering with this set up and something needs to change. Speak to your DH and tell him you’re on the verge of leaving, and see what is said. You can’t just refuse to let him have 50% custody though, as if he pushed it he would get it, not least because he pretty much does it already. I wouldn’t live like this though, so I don’t blame you for leaving.

It's reasonable for them to live with dad 50% of the time.

Of course they have no other interests if parents won't control screens. Kids and teens will always choose screens over anything else, and this tends to result in feral behaviour.

My teens were like this between 13-15. It was an awful time and we had to avoid friends and extended family visits for a while. This made me feel isolated and embarrassed. At 16 and 18 they've moved on and now quite pleasant to be around. Looking back it was probably a mix of hormones and ND. I don't blame you for wanting to walk away. I would suggest not pushing for 'family time' and screen time limits. It doesn't sound like its helping. Try and keep them separate as much as possible. It sounds like they all trigger each other. If you decide to leave, that is OK

You are not being unreasonable and I’m sorry you are in such a difficult and stressful situation. Your DP seems like he is trying to do the right thing by his children and you want to do the right thing by your and his child. I honestly can’t see how you can do this without moving out while his children are behaving in this way. Of course you have to discuss this with him and hopefully he can accept different living arrangements but at the end of the day your foremost responsibility is to your very young and vulnerable child who will be damaged by living in such an aggressive and scary environment. You know for awful it is for you so how much worse for a three year old. Wishing you luck in navigating this and sending hugs.