AIBU to want to spend less time with my partner’s children?

[CavaWhoo]

Partner has three kids aged between 14-11, and we have one aged 3 together. We have them most weekends and almost all of their school holidays, which works out to 3 nights a week on average. This is what their mum wants before anyone says “she does all the grunt work.” It used to be less but has gradually increased over the years, and their behaviour has significantly worsened.

They are individually pleasant kids, but collectively constantly fighting (both physical and verbal), very, very messy and unclean, and have no interests outside of TV/gaming, despite serious efforts. I just can’t take it anymore. I love DP but I feel like I’m wasting my life and my child’s childhood. I am an introvert and feel like I’m surrounded by absolute chaos when they’re here, and barely have time to recharge before they’re back.

AIBU to move out?

I should probably say we live together and have for five years

I couldn't live like that, OP, and I would hate my child to live like that, too. I'd feel I'd let them down.

Why don't you live separately but keep up the relationship if you still love him? He could come to yours when his children are with their mum.

My answer is dependent on what kind of parent your partner is. Is he trying to address the issues you mention?

I’d prefer this, but I think it would be the death knell for our relationship.

He also finds them exhausting (he’s lost work because of them and is now on antidepressants because of their behaviour) and I think would struggle to have them alone. I certainly wouldn’t want DC going to him when the older children were there and I wasn’t.

YANBU to move out if you don't like living there. You can't really do much about the SDCs but as you have a child with DP I guess you should discuss your plans with them and what you want to do. Do you jointly own the house? Will you need to sell up to buy your own place? There's no simple answer.

YANBU to not want to live in this situation. But obviously this is down to your husband's parenting and if you split up your own DC will be parented just as poorly on his time (if not worse as your husband is now a decade older with less energy to put into parenting). So I'd still want to address the issues with your husband before leaving.

Well at least you know what he is like as a parent. Will he want 50/50 contact with your 3 year old ?

He is trying to resolve their issues, but it’s relentless and they don’t listen. Having them more was supposed to help them but it doesn’t seem to have changed anything.

They get away with being absolutely horrible to each other at their mum’s house, and unless they’re being directly supervised they are fighting. I don’t want my child being around it anymore, in any other scenario their behaviour would be considered abusive to each other.

They will do something if you ask them to (repeatedly) and aren’t outright rude to us, just whiny… But we are constantly having to nag them for very basic tasks and it’s just relentless. I feel like I barely see my child and we certainly don’t have enjoyable family time when they’re all here.

Could you consider a different custody arrangement first. It sounds like for most of mum's time they are at school, so nights doesn't really represent the time each parent spends with them. When your 3yo is at school or will feel even worse, no time to do things age appropriate with them on their own.

Tell DH how much it's affecting you, give him a chance to seriously step up.

Is it 50/50 custody? I could be wrong but it looks to me like Mum has every weekend free for herself (presumably), and that sounds to me like an uneven split. I know she will have them all week, but they are at school/studying then I suppose!

Before thinking of moving out etc. is there any way DP could restructure the custody arrangements so that it's not every weekend for you? I know these things can be fraught with difficulty, but there appears to be room for some compromise. It might help if you and DP have a weekend apart from the kids regularly. Just a thought and of course there may be other valid reasons for the current access arrangements.

Can you suggest that they come at different times, so you only have one or two at once? Might be easier for their mum too.

Their mum has about three weeks a year with them plus a weekend a month. The rest of the time with her, they’re in school.

This would mean asking to have them less, which I can’t imagine he would want. But at this stage, it’s either that or I (and shared DC) move out.

How about the DC don’t spend all their time as a 3. Each gets a night alone with each parent then a night with one sibling and a night with the other so they each have 3 2 3 rota or similar?

We only have one weekend a month without them and I honestly couldn’t cope without that. I do think splitting them up would help but their mum doesn’t want them on weekends or their school holidays (they can’t be left alone in a house).

Do what is best for your child op, move out.

But surely your husband would push for similar custody arrangements for your DC? So your DC would still be with them a similar amount, just without you there.

I wouldn’t agree to it and I don’t think he would force the issue because he’d know it wouldn’t be safe. I imagine he’d ask for a night in the week and every other weekend plus a week or two of holiday. So our child’s time with the older siblings would be greatly reduced because they’d get school holidays and at least half the weekends with me.

What a shame for these children who were born before their parents split up. Their dad has a new relationship and child, and their stepmom is calculating how many hours they have with their mom and considering how to reduce their time with their dad for the benefit of her child. Has any adult in this situation asked the children if they’re happy, what they want and how to make this work?

We jointly own. He would not be able to afford a 5 bedroom house and they would be even worse if they had to share bedrooms.

Yes, we have asked them, their school, their doctors, their SEN support. We have asked for play therapy, for talking therapy, for CAHMS referrals, for neurodivergence assessments. We have paid for them to start untold numbers of hobbies (always quit after a few weeks), we have done star charts, rewards, outright bribery with extra allowance. Nothing improves.

They’d rather spend more time at their mum’s. She doesn’t want them to. DP can’t force her to have them.

If he wants to work on their behavior, why doesn’t he ask for days during the school week?

He has, she’s said no. She wants to have them four days a week but of her choosing, and she chooses to have term time.

Turn off the wifi and take away the tv cable. Your house, different rules - they need to earn privileges. But do you really want this to be it for your family unit?

You obviously knew he has three children when you decided to get together with him and have another one? What was the plan? Did you hope he will not have his kids over?

If you really believe this, your husband needs to be reaching out to early help and attending parenting courses. Your child will still be in danger every other weekend.