MIL let DD aged 5 get sunburned but DH thinks we should just be grateful she had her and gave her a nice time.

[Sophiehoney]

I AM grateful MIL had her and she had a nice time.

HOWEVER, she's been at MIL's all day, playing in the paddling pool with her cousins and she's come home with sunburn all over her shoulders, neck, top of her legs, and all down her back and is in pain.

I put suncream on her before she went there, and when we dropped her off, I told MIL there was a bottle in her bag and MIL said don't worry, I've got loads here.

But she obviously hasn't topped it back up and DD is burnt.

All I want to do is WhatsApp her a picture and say thank you so much, she had a great time but a reminder that she must wear suncream when she's out in the sun and in a swimming costume.

DH says no, it will just make her feel bad and make us seem ungrateful and what's done is done now, we'll make sure we remind her more frequently next time.

I think a picture now will have more of an effect and she will remember next time because she obviously didn't listen to my reminder this time.

The op said paddling pool wasn't mentioned they were going for walk in the woods. That said, always best to cover them in long lasting spf on hot days anyway as plans often change.

I’ve never let mine in a paddling pool in full sun without a rash vest or failing that a T-shirt.

So much so that when I went on holiday to South Africa I was hyper aware of sunburn and took 'extra strong' sunscreen as well as the normal stuff.

They were SPF 8 and 15, I barely got halfway through the bottles, thought I'd been incredibly careful and yes of course I got massively sunburnt.

Even with the song, it was just a different time.

Clearly it mustn't happen again. But sending angry messages an WhatsApp seems a bit off, and frankly even phoning her up specifically to complain could trigger a fuss. Which might be worth triggering - not sure what she is like. In your position I would probably keep a photo of the sunburn in case of need and then either bring the subject up organically (e.g. MIL says How did DD enjoy her day? and you reply Very much but she got burned so we'll need to be more careful next time) or you turn up next time with all the protective clothing she might need plus the sun cream and labour the point, saying at that time that you are labouring the point because she got burned last time. If MIL protests about the sunburn or denies it you will have your photo to show her.

I’d be annoyed but I wouldn’t send a photo or stop her going another time. I would ask MIL to keep DC in the shade or choose another spot for the pool. And I would send DC in long sleeved rash vest and shorts when it’s this hot, not a swimsuit.

I’d be so p*ed off about this. I wouldn’t send a pic tho because tone in messages plus the pic will be brutal. I’d take the pics but then talk to her in person like “listen she had a lovely time, but she was absolutely burnt to a crisp and in so much pain after. You can’t let that happen to her again.” And if she’s annoying show her the pics. Maybe if she’s going to do impromptu knickers in the paddling pool sessions you should make her keep spare swim stuff there. Also your DS is being annoying.

It beggars belief that a gran who must surely be in her 50s, can not understand the dangers of 28C on a 5 yr old child wh is semi naked in a pool for hours. Especially given all the media coverage for years of the dangers of sunburn.

She must be dim and even an adult would get burned with no sun screen on.

i don’t think I would message but i would say to MIL next time that she isn’t allowed to use the paddling pool without her rash vest on because she was very burnt last time.

my kid has long sleeved, long trousers swimwear and it really takes the pressure off on sunny days as i don’t have to worry about sun burn really at all. highly recommend!

How far away does MIL live? Once you knew the plans had changed could you not have gone and got her a swimming costume from home or if closer even nipped to the shop for one?
Seems strange that you agreed she would be fine in her knickers.

I wouldn't send a photo OP.

Just mention it next time you leave her and say she did get a bit of sunburn so please be on the lookout.

I know it is upsetting when your dc have this sort of thing happen, so I do understand.

It is the opposite of passive aggressive. Send the picture

Take the picture but show it to her at the start of the next visit when you mention the suncream

If MIL cannot be trusted as a responsible adult, to look after all of DD needs, then MIL cannot be trusted with DD. Sunburn is dangerous, particularly at such a young age. It’s known that just a couple of instances of childhood sunburn doubles the risk of skin cancer. She needs to do better, and if hearing that makes her feel bad - good. Perhaps next time she’ll practice better sun safety.

Its not aggressive ...it's a suggestion you read OPs posts and then telling you what you missed. Completely emotion neutral

It needs to come from DH really. If it was my mum I would be telling her. Sounds like she wasn't being v sensible.

You should buy a full coverage spf50 swimsuit for future.

I’d be raging. My DD was burnt (also in a paddling pool) on DH’s shift. I gave him the bollocking of his life. It’s never happened since.

Oh, I would be MAD! That is totally unacceptable. However, she didn't do it on purpose, and the older generation is in no way as clued up as the younger ones when it comes to sun safety.

You do have to let her know, otherwise it will just a) happen again or b) you won't be able to leave her with MIL during the summer. Neither option is good.

So, I would handle it with kid gloves and basically take the blame, for the sake of family functioning. "Hi Mil! Katie had such a good time at yours with her cousins. But I forgot to tell you that she burns really easily and needs her sun cream topped up every hour, so she's a bit burnt today. I know every hour might seem like a lot, but here are the pics to prove that she does need it and I'm not just being overprotective! Sorry I didn't make that clearer. Anyway, she had lots of fun and looks forward to seeing you again soon. Love, XYZ"

It's all a bunch of crap, of course. Mil was totally negligent in forgetting to reapply sun cream. I really don't know how she could have done that, but like I said, I guess her generation aren't as clued-up about sun damage. I wonder if the other children are burnt, too.

He doesn’t. He cares more about his OWN peace and not getting any agro from his mother than he does about his daughters risk of skin cancer.

Your MIL said she had loads of suncream herself. Could she have used hers but it was out of date? Think suncream is only effective when it’s used within 12 months of opening it? So she meant well and did the “right thing” but made a mistake.

I think it’s definitely worth mentioning to her. I don’t think anyone should be expected to be “grateful” in this situation when a child has been horribly sunburnt. If someone else’s child got sunburnt on my watch I would want to know and yes I would feel terrible and would apologise. And if I had used my own sunscreen on them I’d like to know so I could chuck it.

Same thing really.

Id tell my mum and if she moaned I’d just mute her for a few days till she calmed down and then have another call with her.

You're being OTT. She's got mild sunburn. Your DH is right. There's no need to send a picture and a sarcastic remark to your MIL. How do you know she didn't top up the sunscreen? She may have, and your DD still got sunburned. If she didn't put more suncream on, or have the pool in shade/ask the kids to come inside during the hottest part of the day, it's not great, but you know to prepare for next time. Pack a swimsuit just in case. Teach your DD to put her own sunscreen on.

It’s just negligence, isn’t it? I’d be extremely upset in your shoes, she clearly cannot be trusted in loco parentis. Your DH should be as upset as you!

so hang on a 5 year old is expected to be more responsible by putting on her own sun cream than a bloody grown ass grandma??

If granny can’t keep a 5 year old safe from the sun then granny don’t get the 5 year old again 🤷🏻‍♀️ hurty feelings or not.

I don't think 5 is too young to take personal responsibility for such a simple action. And of course, it is up to the OP and her partner if she doesn't want MIL to babysit anymore.