Is a tidy ordered house really that important?

[Shokupanman]

I am a bit done today.

I heard today school mums have been gossiping about my house being a mess and saying I'm "a scruff." These are people I've welcomed into my home, and defended. People who I like and trust.

My mum has early onset dementia, my dad died when I was a child. I do have a sister who is amazing but she has her own family and challenges; we muddle through together to support my mum best we can. I have a 5 year old and an 8 year old, and a high pressured management job. I know my house could be more presentable but I do my best. It's messy but it's clean for the most part. I'm trying not be be but I'm SO hurt. I know my values are good and if someone else told me this story id say it doesn't matter but aibu to be so hurt? It's really upset me. My husband says forget it but I'm struggling. It's like the straw that's breaking the camel's back.

Clean but messy?
Don't let them get to you. You're doing the best you can under the circumstances.

Op I had a very bohemian home growing up loads of books everywhere and projects of dad's set up ...piles of papers etc.

But clean and lived in we wouldn't think about our movements jn the house and everyone except an Austrian friend of my dad's has shoes on that from council home to much posher larger homes.

How everything has changed there is an obsession with ultra tidy and clear and children are not allowed free flow play because they are being harassed over toys and tidy tidy tidy and shoes on and off and on and off.

They sound nasty. We always have a clean but messy home. I’m looking at our lounge room coffee table right now which in addition to the indoor plant and family photo album that are meant to be there also has various bills, a pair of weights, playing cards and a half constructed LEGO car. Meh, that’s who we are.

Exactly what JillThePlantKiller says. Some people are so sure their way is the right way that they act as though everyone obviously thinks like they do. I can assure you they don't.

My friends and I have busy lives - jobs, children, pets - our houses are normal amounts of clean and tidy (of course social conditioning means that no matter where on the spectrum it is the particular day we visit each other, we will of course apologise for the state of it ;) )

It's totally normal to roll up to someone's house and see a sink full of washing up waiting, washing draped on the airer/radiators/in baskets waiting to be sorted/washed/folded/put away. Bits and bobs stacked in kitchen/living room waiting to find a home or be thrown/donated.

Cushions on the settee needing a wash because the dog (yet again) got on there, or everywhere needing a bit of a hoover because it's been a busy couple of weeks.

Let me guess they follow a load of cleaning accounts on Instagram and raid B&M for every new product launch?
My mum was obsessed with cleaning, she’d wake us up with the vacuum cleaner every morning.
And I have a vivid memory of talking to her when she was in hospice care and she said…
All those years I spent cleaning, I bet with just your dad there it’s a tip isn’t it?
And she was right. Three weeks in, and it was bedlam.
You are doing your best and to be quite frank, your kids will love not having to live in an army camp of cleanliness.
As for using the word ‘scruff’ well aren’t they charming? My friends range from hospital corners on beds to chaos, and I love them all.

My moto is you should be cleen enough to be healthy, but dirty enough to be happy.

I've seen people who are late for fun events as they cant go out without doing the dishes, or become really upset with there "clean home" ie the window cleaner missed a week ect, a child who wasn't allowed toys downstairs, and panicked when they spilled there drink saying "dont tell my mum"

My home is definitely lived in, but good enough, but my family can relax in it, the mess will be there when we get back and have time to do the job, ie load the dishwasher, put clean laundry away ect.

That’s not necessarily true. There a common ground , define spotless. It’s funny though the people on here saying they are horrible op those women but then slagging off people who like a house that isn’t cluttered. It’s just preference isn’t it. When I come back from my friends house husband and I always joke it looks like we’ve been burgled. She likes lots of stuff out we don’t. Doesn’t make us superior or inferior.

It’s only important if it’s important to you. In busy lives the one thing that can usually wait is housework. In my house kitchen and bathrooms are clean - a wipe round every day and a deeper clean at the weekend. Floors get vacuumed and mopped when they need it, beds made daily but you’ll also find laundry waiting to be folded, books on coffee tables, dog toys everywhere, socks behind side cushions (thanks DS). The kids rooms are usually halfway to disaster. But there’s a warm welcome, always a cup of tea on the go, space a time to chat.

I can’t get on with minimalist, everything it it’s place living - I’m spinning enough plates as it is. If anyone wants to comment that says more about them than it does me.

This.

I think it’s moderately important.

For most people a messy environment is more stressful on the nervous system so it’s good to bring children up in a (relatively) calm, ordered home.

Untidy homes also mean you don’t spot issues with items that need to be repaired until it’s too late, so from a home maintenance perspective it’s definitely better to keep clutter down.

What isn’t important is to have a perfect show home with perfectly matching soft furnishings and decoration. Just a reasonable level of order and relatively tidy surfaces.

It depends. It really embarrassed me as a child and had a lasting impact as I was always a bit scruff, lost homework, couldn’t find matching socks despite clothes on every surface, crinkled uniform etc.
I feel it is very important for my children and life, always having things to hand, clean socks and pant drawer etc, my home isn’t spotless I’m a slow tidier who gets distracted but I make myself sort it.
Mind you, DD has my DM tendency to not see mess so the cycle isn’t broken.
Your situation is different, you’re busy, they were mean to criticise your home.

I was trying to describe homes where the owner is so fastidious. You cannot ever entirely relax, eat, drink, use the loo, or live.
Where the furnishings or shine on the appliances seem to become more important than the people in the house.
Where the main preoccupation of the owner is to tidy, clean and clean again. Throw away. Where the kitchen is not really used but looked at.
There is a price to be paid being raised in a house like that.
According to my DH anyway.
Cleaning is important. No doubt. But so is life.

Fuck me I hope not.
My sister's were the same. Appearance meant so so much to them, they have all the fillers and fake brows, lashes, can only wear what's currently in fashion for teenagers, they kids are in 100 quid outfits so can't get dirty. They think I'm a scruff. My kids play in wild water and get muddy and climb trees and so do I tbh. We live on land and do the manual stuff ourselves so our house always looks like a doer upper. Their houses are perfect millennial grey. I love our life, but we're rarely clean and well presented. Our wedding day presentation is their day to day look.

I wouldn't choose their priorities over mine. So I shrug off their judgement. Remind yourself you're a good mum, with happy well looked after kids.

They have little enough to be worried about if they can find the time to gossip about this. Don't worry about them OP, they sound like shallow people you don't need in your life.

I love this.

One of my good friends said she knew we would become friends when her daughter unexpectedly invited my then 3yo inside as we walked past; she ran in and my then very new acquaintance looked panicked and started apologising for the mess. I went in to retrieve DD1 and was like ‘This is just like our house!’ We never apologise to each other for the state of our houses now!

Our house runs the gamut from very tidy on a Monday (cleaners come) to ‘there appears to have been a burglary’ (Sat afternoon). We work, have young kids and busy lives. One day our house will be tidy, and quiet. But we aren’t ready for that yet.

Your house is fine. It's your 'friends' that need changing up.

I have a demanding job and an elderly mum I see twice a week - none of the extra stuff you're dealing with - and my house is an absolute tip atm. Sometimes that's just the way life goes.

I am so sorry your so called friends are saying these things about your home out of curiosity do these friends have less busier life’s than you are they at home more than you are?

My house sounds like yours OP and my mum doesn’t need any care at the moment so I don’t even have that to worry about. It’s clean but by god sometimes it looks like we’ve been raided by the police. I don’t give a fuck! Both of us have full on jobs, my husband works about 60 hours a week, me 40, our sons at school all day and when he’s not he lives like the 14 year old that he is. Like shit are we going to spend our precious ‘downtime’ fancying about tidying up.

OP firstly the person who told you this is an arsehole. Secondly, look on it as a brilliant way to weed out the people who you don’t ever need to invite into your family home again. A quick ‘fuck off’ should suffice.

Yes. I can’t function in a muddle.

Take no notice of these small minded, boring fuckers
People with full lives don’t give a shit about how tidy someone else’s house is.

Unfortunately you do get people who take pleasure in gossiping unpleasantly about other people. These women clearly are that type, and if it wasn't your home, it would be someone else's weight, or their child's behaviour, or their flashy car or...whatever.
Your home might not be the best, but I guarantee this isn't the cause of the gossip. The cause is the delight in being nasty. So if you got it to show home standards, they'd be talking about you for something else. And each other also.
If you can't avoid people like this, then keep it superficial. You don't need friends like this.

They’re just nasty OP. My house is clean but untidy & there’s paint examples on the walls as I’m always decorating & deciding on a colour. One of my friends said she liked my house as it looked lived in 😆 as does hers. your kids & their friends will remember the love & fun at your house, not that (in my case) there was stuff on the stairs waiting to be taken up or that the dog had rearranged the carefully tidied sofa
ignore them 💐 Person B was a bit nasty saying what she did too

Its hard to know because, we havent seen your home. One person's "slightly disorganised but clean" may be another person's absolute rotting hole.

However, these people have proven they are not your friend's! Fuck them off and don't worry another second about it 💜

From the description you've given, your home doesnt sound unusual for a busy family. They sound overly critical.

I'm a very tidy person. I don't know why, it's just who I am. But, I love going into homes that feel lived in and used as they're meant to be.

Don't let them spoil your day. Have a great weekend!

Homes are meant to be lived in not a show home. I apologised to my health visitor once because there was toys strewned across the floor and the kids had been painting. 2 with autism and adhd. I got the day mixed up she was coming. She said she would be more concerned if there was no toys out.