Is a tidy ordered house really that important?

[Shokupanman]

I am a bit done today.

I heard today school mums have been gossiping about my house being a mess and saying I'm "a scruff." These are people I've welcomed into my home, and defended. People who I like and trust.

My mum has early onset dementia, my dad died when I was a child. I do have a sister who is amazing but she has her own family and challenges; we muddle through together to support my mum best we can. I have a 5 year old and an 8 year old, and a high pressured management job. I know my house could be more presentable but I do my best. It's messy but it's clean for the most part. I'm trying not be be but I'm SO hurt. I know my values are good and if someone else told me this story id say it doesn't matter but aibu to be so hurt? It's really upset me. My husband says forget it but I'm struggling. It's like the straw that's breaking the camel's back.

I’d rather be a nice scruff than a gossiping misery!

Also I quite love the word ‘scruff’ and will now totally own that word. Mess is character I say!

Fucking ignore them.

For what it’s worth, my house is always clean and tidy. But I have no friends and no life, so all I have to do day in day out is potter round the house.

I'm not precious, but there's only a certain level of messy, cluttered, disordered I can live with before it starts to negativity affect my mental health. So it's important to me. But I couldn't give a monkeys how others are happy living, their business entirely.

Some people's nature, I am afraid. The best advice given to me by a dear, dear, mega-streetwise friend about 20 years ago was 'never invite school mums into your house. Never'. Use your last bit of money to have your children's birthdays in MacDonald's, soft play, cinema, bloody anywhere, never invite them in. The mums she meant. Honestly, best bit of advice, which I followed. When the children became older so it was OK to drop them off at ours, without inviting those mums in, we did just that - drop-off birthdays. But never invited the parents in. Ever. I was in a similar situation as yours, plus they were much wealthier - I was the only breadwinner, paying school fees and the house was, to put it mildly, not ideal. They were mainly sahms, or sahds, with fuck-all to do during daytime and a lot of gossip to exchange.

This.

Your house sounds very normal and I can tell from your post that you are a kind, caring person (this is much more important than having an immaculate house!).

I think since social media there seems to be a bit of an obsession about having a sterile house, this just isn’t realistic and also boring!!!

YANBU to be hurt by their comments but really the issue is with them, not you.

People who judge someone on their ability to do housework are not worth bothering about.

Housework is hardly rocket science, anyone can do it. You have a high level management job. Who cares what school mums think?

There were a couple of mums at dcs' nursery I'm sure thought the same about my house. Their homes were pristine as they liked cleaning. They were also quite bitchy and not that bright though. I guess we can't have everything

Agree

I can’t fathom how dim someone has to be to “like” cleaning, and spend one’s time doing it. There is so so much more to life!

I once knew a school mum who loved ironing. She ironed every thing. She used to talk about how much she ironed. You’d go round her house and there was the fucking ironing board, her kids would go to get changed out of their uniform and bring her the clothes they wanted to get changed into - which had been ironed and put away, and she would iron them again before they put them on.

Ironing already ironed clothes for children to play in the garden in, mental. If my ds took off his jumper, she would whip it away and iron it.

I spend about 90% of my life staring into space, absolutely bored shitless, but man, you wouldn’t even catch me being bored enough to be an obsessive ironer.

It is to me, but I find mess and chaos overwhelming and can't think straight. I like things around me but they need to be tidy. As long as your house isn't a health hazard, it doesn't matter if it's a bit messy.

Are we talking messy, or hoarding.. (and I speak as someone with a messy house).

Also, funnily enough, it's often people with more bedrooms than people that seem to be able to keep a tidier house - who'd have thought it..

@Shokupanman , you've got kids. Kids are messy. Give yourself a break.

Presumably someone told you that others were gossiping. Shoot the messenger.

Being brought up in a tiny house, where everything had to be put in its right place, orderly, spotless, around similar houses (working class roots, always stressed 'we are working class' even though after grandparents everyone had a profession after uni) I thought it had to be tidy and spotless, but unfortunately it was not and I felt guilty and disgusted at myself. Imagine my surprise when 2 years ago a friend showed me an online mag, 'The Bible of British Taste' as decor to aspire to. Omg, I had not idea that aristocratic homes 'to be proud of' were like rats' nests, cluttered, dirty and at times dangerous. This cured me!!!!! I am now free of my house-shame and house-proud-not anxiety. Have a look at it - it is free online. You will be cured. But those bitches won't. And bitches they are.

I quite like it once I get going. Can't say I do it very often though.

I do enough so that we don’t die of bubonic plague.

My Mum was a complete neat freak ,the house always looked good,but open a cupboard or a drawer and it was stuffed and a nightmare.lt depends what is important to you,to my Mum it was the opinion of others,l couldn't care less,if l tidy up it is for me and not for the people coming around- my advice change your friends,and treat those who did this to you as hostile.

I was raised in a messy house and I felt dirty as a child . When I visited friends’ houses it was very clear other people didn’t live like this .

its not fair on your kids to make them grow up in a scruffy house. They will get bullied for it .

It depends on what you mean by scruffy. I've had neighbour's kids come to my house aged 6 or 7 and exclaim how they wish they had a tidy house. A bit of clutter is fine but an actual health hazard is another matter

Nope. Its not weird. It's called living your life. If you want to spend your days following Mrs Hinch, chopping cushions down the middle and spraying antibac at everything, so be it.

You welcome people into your home which lots of people dont do these days. They're probably too busy cleaning it.

If a tidy home makes you happy then thats great but not all of us need clean surfaces to be happy. Theres no judgement here.

And if it makes you feel better, cleaning products can be as bad for your health as smoking.

Take it from an older, age acquired wisdom, woman - they have shallow lives, bugger all to talk about and really not worth brain time!

Is the kitchen and bathroom clean? If so who cares! My rule is take me as you find me! That includes today the vinted pile on the kitchen table where it’s been for a month, the ironing board set up in the kitchen, husband building Lego in the living room and all the bedrooms needing a good going over. Every time I’ve gone to the loo today I’ve cleaned a bit of the bathroom so it’s always getting cleaned, every time I’ve put a load of washing in I’ve ironed for 10 mins to make a dent and every time I’ve made a cuppa I pair some socks.

id only be embarrassed if my bathroom was dirty and that’s rare in our house.

They sound awful (and your house sounds tidier than mine).
I will never forget a Christmas incident outside primary school. It was the day of the school nativity and I was a new to the area parent. One of the mothers was inviting people round for mince pies and coffee, before the school play, just casually inviting anyone nearby. She asked me, although she didn't know me and I was so pleased. And then 2 others who were laughing together came up to me and said, 'Word of warning, wouldn't eat anything that came out of that house.'
I have never forgotten their smug smiles.
Nor the welcome in the messy house with the hot mince pies and laughter. (We are still friends 20+ years on and we still have messy houses and friends round and no one has ever taken anything away from it but cheerfulness.
Take no notice OP. Take absolutely no notice at all.

I have never liked open plan living and prefer a home that has separate rooms. I always keep one room almost perfect-an old fashioned type of front room I suppose- and whenever anyone calls, I take them in there.

The rest of the house is what it is but that one room is a haven.

I use it myself to sit in and read with tea in a china cup when I want to pretend that all my life is like that.

It's hard to keep things visitor ready when when everything is open plan.

Bring Back Front Rooms!