Is a tidy ordered house really that important?

[Shokupanman]

I am a bit done today.

I heard today school mums have been gossiping about my house being a mess and saying I'm "a scruff." These are people I've welcomed into my home, and defended. People who I like and trust.

My mum has early onset dementia, my dad died when I was a child. I do have a sister who is amazing but she has her own family and challenges; we muddle through together to support my mum best we can. I have a 5 year old and an 8 year old, and a high pressured management job. I know my house could be more presentable but I do my best. It's messy but it's clean for the most part. I'm trying not be be but I'm SO hurt. I know my values are good and if someone else told me this story id say it doesn't matter but aibu to be so hurt? It's really upset me. My husband says forget it but I'm struggling. It's like the straw that's breaking the camel's back.

Now you know you needn't waste any more time on those mums.

When I was younger my son became a very messy teenager ( dirty laundry on the floor , mouldy food & cups in his room ) . Think Steptoe & son or house in Bottom . I tried to keep the house as tidy as I could while working. When he left home we gutted his room & replaced everything , what joy.
On one occasion one friend who stayed over occasionally said she would like me to decorate before her return visit.
I did not extend the invitation again.
People can be rude , I try to rise above it & ignore them.

Ignore them. The only time my house is tidy is when children are in bed or at school and I’m off. Most people with young kids understand that you could be cleaning all day and your kids can trash the place in 5 seconds.

It takes two to hurt you, an enemy to slander to you and a friend to bring the news to you. It's people's actions that you need to observe. Someone may have been making themselves feel better by putting you down but if they are still lovely the rest of the time can you forgive them?

They often get worse not better as they get older. They won't learn to tidy up if you always do it for them. Making a mess is fine, but they need to help tidy up after.

If you look at this thread, people get criticised and abused for being too tidy, whatever that means 😂

You can't win either way, so as long as you are happy in your home, who cares what the haters say, they must be very bored to care one way or another, or very self-conscious and need to find ways to justify themselves (in their own eyes, no one else care)

I'm the opposite. And it's no fun either.

Healthier to be a bit messy (but pretty clean) than being obsessed with order and cleanliness. You've got a demanding job, young kids and heavy responsibilities with your mother's dementia. Your cup runneth over sweetheart.

Ignore the school harpies. Fuck 'em. Karma will sort them out.

You're doing a grand job so kind to yourself. 💐

I have a spotless ordered house. It makes me miserable. I can’t settle unless it’s perfect. I can never relax.

I’d rather be like you.

I am sorry you overheard that. If you are only cleaning your bathroom every 2 weeks though..that might be the reason.

I have family members like this. It truly is cruel!

The person who said this isn't a friend but a shit stirrer.

Being a scruff really isn't the worst thing in the world.

You can be messy and still clean, disorganised but still functional, scatterbrained and still welcoming.

Really sorry those women have upset you. I worry about this but my house is way way messier than yours sounds! I sometimes manage to convince myself that messy people aren't bad people, and I dont think anything bad about anyone else's untidy house, but it definitely is a source of shame for me which I still cant find the time or energy to tackle. Messy people really aren't bad though!

Yours sounds absolutely fine and completely normal. Completely bitchy behaviour to be talking about someone's home that they've been welcomed into like that - it really does say more about them than you. Sorry that they've turned out to be like that (if indeed it is true). Try to focus your energy on people who matter more!

My word

my daughters best friends house is v cluttered and messy - the parents are hard working professionals but by goodness I’m so grateful they are decent in that their daughter raised by them is a wonderful friend to my DD

I have certain rooms I keep tidy. I don’t do a thorough clean everywhere every week except bathrooms

we all clean and fed an no harm including illness has ever come to us from not dusting skirting or shelves every week.

I reckon I’d have been great mates with Quentin Crisp*. The only time I ever worry about the mess in our house is when people whose houses I know are always much cleaner and tidier than mine come round and then I think stuff it, judgers gonna judge.
*Known for saying, amongst other things, that there is no need to do any housework at all as after four years, the dust doesn’t get any worse.

These people are just cunts. You have a lot to deal with, your house is probably that of an ordinary family. Even if it’s a bit messier, so what. As long as it’s not unsafe then these people need to sod off to their sad little lives. You have to be pretty sad and empty with too much time on your hands to sit in judgement like this.

I hope it is not important as my house is neither tidy nor ordered!

You and your house sound lovely
Find new friends

Three things I write on the cover of every new sketchbook:-

• Dust is a protective covering for furniture
• a tidy house is a sign of a wasted life
• nobody has a gravestone that says 'she kept a spotless house'

enjoy your life, forget the dust police 🙂

I couldn’t give a shit what anybody thinks of my house. If they don’t like it they don’t have to visit. Mine sounds just like yours. The woman bitching about you is nothing to do with you. What she said says nothing about you and everything about her, and who she is as a person. These people can’t help themselves. Console yourself with the fact that the five minutes she spent bitching about you was 5 minutes she didn’t spend bitching about some other poor sod.

Wrong thread, sorry. Trying, but can’t delete the image. Just ignore me.

@PetrolKoala
Totally agree with this, after I spend a day cleaning, then the children will come along and leave their things lying around.

OP can afford a deep clean? Still about £20 an hour. I had a five bedroom house done for £250. It's amazing. I had been ill for two years and although my adult DC and DH did clean it wasn't great. One friend who's hardly tidy herself asked me if I'd decluttered ( we were putting our house up for sale). I was really hurt. However I put a shout out on Bark and had plenty of response. I'm not getting upset each morning trying to bend down. If you're working it's worth it. Your dh can pay half.
Tell the mummy Mafia you have staff, you're too busy in your profession.

Wow they are biatches!!

Yessss!

Its all a conspiracy to stop women doing things that might matter: earning money, making art, learning something new.

I get the importance of order and tidiness for posters’ peace of mind. I like to wax and polish all my antique furniture every now and again as the order, beauty of the polished wood, and the scent is very calming. And running the dishwasher at night to wake up to gleaming clean china is lovely!

But there’s no virtue in any of this, and it does get in the way of doing real things.