Is a tidy ordered house really that important?

[Shokupanman]

I am a bit done today.

I heard today school mums have been gossiping about my house being a mess and saying I'm "a scruff." These are people I've welcomed into my home, and defended. People who I like and trust.

My mum has early onset dementia, my dad died when I was a child. I do have a sister who is amazing but she has her own family and challenges; we muddle through together to support my mum best we can. I have a 5 year old and an 8 year old, and a high pressured management job. I know my house could be more presentable but I do my best. It's messy but it's clean for the most part. I'm trying not be be but I'm SO hurt. I know my values are good and if someone else told me this story id say it doesn't matter but aibu to be so hurt? It's really upset me. My husband says forget it but I'm struggling. It's like the straw that's breaking the camel's back.

Poor you! Absolutely ignore. Keeping on top of household chores and tidying as a parent is a constant - and boring (!) battle. They are being unkind.

Someone's house would have to be super bad before I thought they were scruffy, even then it would be a thought and not a vocal opinion.

On the other side of the coin, I feel really uncomfortable in people's houses who are minimal and clinically clean, I'd much prefer to be in someone's house where there's washing hanging up or toys and trinkets out.

It sounds objectively cleaner than my place! I find too much clutter gets mentally draining, but honestly if I knew I’d find a cup of tea, a squishy sofa and a hug at your place I wouldn’t care if there were toys all over. One of my friends houses is a bit chaotic like that and it doesn’t bother me in the slightest, it’s got better as the kids have got older, but it’s always clean, it’s just very lived in! But I’ve always felt able to relax there.

Not sure how helpful this is but it is probably one mean person saying it but once she has expressed the opinion that your house is not up to scratch people hearing it either agree with her probably thinking you will never know or challenge her, therefore letting mean one know that they aren't up to her standards either.

So probably your 'friends' are one mean person and a bunch of wimps.

HTH @Shokupanman

I like my home tidy and to have a place for everything - it makes me feel stressed when there's stuff everywhere all of the time! But we get toys out, do baking/cooking, things do get messy... then we sort it out again. That's what works for me. It's none of my business how other people like their homes, especially when you're talking about tidyness rather than cleanliness! That conversation says way more about them than about you OP. As long as you and your family are happy, ignore.

Sorry this happened

bur honestly I imagine there is an issue if a few people agree there is and are too scared to tell you face to face

Clutter is a problem. It causes a dirty, stressful environment and can lead to unwanted pests. Many children find mess very stressful and watching shows like Stacy Solomon’s it leads to them not enjoying or being able to relax at hone

kindly I suggest you spend the bank hol doing a clear out, and your children can help fill the black bags and charity bags ans take things to shop or tip. This is good life management.

i have 3 children and regularly (every weekend) sort our drawers, xupboards. Clothes. Shoes. Kitchen items (eg chipped cups , stained table cloths) and deep clean items eg bin, hoover sofas, clean fridge drawers.

this is a wake up call. Good luck!

I do prefer to have a very tidy home and I hate loads of clutter BUT this I do for my own mental health. I feel happier and more positive when my house is like this. I get very overwhelmed and negative when my house becomes a chaotic mess ( which it does sometimes!)
maybe it’s a control mechanism for me but I have plenty of friends who don’t live like me and homes are far messier and I really don’t care at all! It’s their house and their life and i would never judge.
on the flip side please remember I have encountered the same issue as you but because my house is very tidy and people have judged me for it. This is all very upsetting because like I say, it’s my choice and I do it for nobody else but myself! Bloody narrow mindedness!

Insulting not only your home but calling you a scruff too? Are they aware you know that they’ve been talking about you? I would ignore them from now on

I'm also notoriously bad at keeping a tidy house (ADHD), grew up in a home that was clean but very cluttered. I do believe that a tidy home is a positive factor for good mental health as you brain doesn't have to take in and deal with all the clutter all the time. I think if you have children, you owe it to them to give them a somewhat pleasant environment to grow up in. I think on the a long run, it makes a big difference to their MH as well.

But at the same time, a tidy home is so time consuming it's almost impossible to maintain at all time. It's comparable to knowing that being slim and very sporty is the "ideal" state of your body. Everyone knows that is true but very few can maintain it. However it's always better to strive for that ideal than constantly arguing that the opposite is acceptable, because it's obviously not from a medical perspective.

At some point it's also about modelling healthy behaviour and living standards to your children. Children can see if their parents never do sport or grossly overweight or eat unhealthily and chances are much higher they will end up finding that acceptable too. Same for home standards, they can see if the home gets regularly decluttered or if you have a regular cleaner to do the vital tasks. I would also argue that a cleaner isn't a luxury but a necessity for people who cannot tidy due to ND or lack of time.

Don't waste any more mental energy on this, OP. Some people have empty, pointless lives which they fill with nasty, judgemental gossip about other people. Their opinions are not worthy of your attention or concern.

I'm sure your house is fine. As long as it isn't a health hazard, and it definitely doesn't sound like it is, then the question of how tidy it is really doesn't matter. There are so many things which are so much more important.

My lovely mum, who I'm pretty certain had undiagnosed adhd, spent a lifetime worrying about her messy house. She always planned to get on top of it but never quite managed it. She was still talking about how she was going to sort things out days before she died. I wish she had realised that nobody actually cared about the mess. The qualities that made her special and loveable and unique were far more important than any amount of untidiness. It simply didn't matter.

How did you find out about this gossip?

If you have very firm evidence of the person / people who said it, I’d confront them:

’Hi Jane, heard what you said to Jo about my home.. this can’t be true. Did you actually say that? Maybe best I don’t invite you inside it again! Have a lovely day.’

I find it best, when being passive aggressive, to be extra smiley and breezy as it totally floors the offender.

Objectively this is hurtful so it's ok to feel hurt. Obviously it's not necessary to change your habits for judgemental twats either.

I grew up in a really chaotic and disgusting home and I find it really difficult to stay on top of this stuff, but I will say that I 100% know that living in a messy house as a kid means I can think creatively and extemporise better than most people I know. How are you supposed to know that a teaspoon will function as a Lego figure catapult, for example, if the 2 are not found in close proximity?

Sounds like person a is a bitch who is losing friends fast. Join them, and dont take to heart what one nasty person says. That type of behaviour is always a reflection of their own insecurities and says a lot more about them then it does you.

I have one or two mum friends with lived in houses who are rushed off their feet, and my own house gets a bit chaotic sometimes. I'd never dream of having that sort of conversation with other people. They don't sound very nice and it's probably just a couple of people that you could weed out of your friend list!

Some people are srseholes. Ignore them. If they want to soend every waking hour polishing their silverware in case a visitor comes then let them. You have other priorities. It doesnt sound like you are living in a filthy hell hole where social services need to come round so dont worry about it.

Kids make a mess of things in 2.5 seconds. My house is not cluttered because we don't have that much stuff relative to the size of the house, but the stuff we DO have they like to move from its place and dump in middle of the floor/ on coffee table/ sides/ everywhere... it gets picked up but not as fast as they mess it up again. I refuse to walk around after them constantly tidying. As your youngest is 5 it will probably get a bit easier soon.

The hurt of being gossiped about is another thing, I'm sorry about that OP. Mean of them.

this. its sounds like a bunch of kids. The other thing to point out is that sometimes comments like this are made to make the commenter feel better about themselves. Either way get better friends.

Don't ever be ashamed of your home, sounds a busy happy home with the kids and all. Ah, school mum gossips. They're not friends, you'll not see them again when the kids make their own way to school when they're older.. and they must be unhappy gits that they need to put someone down in order to feel good.

Go easy OP, live your life how you see fit and smile.

Honestly I think some people just say stuff about others because they can’t think of anything interesting to say to each other. I am so annoyed on your behalf. Our house is a complete tip at the moment for reasons less significant than yours. You don’t owe anyone explanations. Hold your head up high, you are doing a brilliant job of juggling many difficult things and only fools would have conversations about perceived mess rather than being supportive friends.
Do take care of yourself though and make sure you have time for you and some self care whatever form that might take.
Best wishes.

My house is very clean and tidy. I wish I could be more ok with it being messy and lived in, however it’s really, really bad for my mental health if it’s not sitting perfect.

I am one of those people who likes a house that doesn’t look like anyone lives in it. Trying to juggle that with working full time, having two children, a dog and two cats is also bad for my mental health.

These people are not your friends. I have high standards for me, but I have never judged a friend for having toys sitting about or things out in the kitchen.

I am sure I am judged for cluttered house regularly. It is an issue I worry about sometimes but hope I would be seen like the lovely Aunt upthread!

I guarantee my house is messier than yours cos half time I don’t lift stuff off the floor before bed and have stuff in boxes in rooms that probably should be binned or put in sheds. Towels on radiators and things left out of cupboards.

you are doing a great job and your house is comfortable for you.

If your house is cleanish forget everything they said. Nobody's business. I was the sahm when kids were little and house was always done! Now all grown kids of their own. Messy houses and mine is like a bomb site when grandkids are here. If I could go back and change it id not have cared less. Get a cleaner if you can afford it. Sorry about your parent with dementia. That just takes so much time.

It's important to me, and I would be mortified if people saw my house cluttered and not spotless. I'd lose sleep over it.

But I would never hold anyone else up to the same level of scrutiny, certainly I'd notice, but I absolutely wouldn't judge. We've all got our own priorities, and we all see things differently and it wouldn't change how I view or like a person. It wouldn't matter to me at all, and anyone commenting in it I certainly wouldn't join in and I'd let them know they're being unfair.

This woman must be employing the old put someone else down to make yourself feel better trick and that says more about her than your house says about you.

Also im sorry about your mum and the sadness you must feel and all the pressure you are under. Give yourself grace (a bit rich coming from me eh) if you're keeping on keeping on you're doing well.

The issue isnt your clean but messy home but these judgey "friends" who should know whats on your plate. And YANBU to be hurt by that.

And tbh homes are for living in not showing off. If its clean and happy I would just ignore them, get better friends.