Is a tidy ordered house really that important?

[Shokupanman]

I am a bit done today.

I heard today school mums have been gossiping about my house being a mess and saying I'm "a scruff." These are people I've welcomed into my home, and defended. People who I like and trust.

My mum has early onset dementia, my dad died when I was a child. I do have a sister who is amazing but she has her own family and challenges; we muddle through together to support my mum best we can. I have a 5 year old and an 8 year old, and a high pressured management job. I know my house could be more presentable but I do my best. It's messy but it's clean for the most part. I'm trying not be be but I'm SO hurt. I know my values are good and if someone else told me this story id say it doesn't matter but aibu to be so hurt? It's really upset me. My husband says forget it but I'm struggling. It's like the straw that's breaking the camel's back.

Well I think in fairness OP only realised people were judging when she heard them do so. And, as she said, she is doing her best. I expect she was perfectly happy with it beforehand.

I said nothing about gathering my books on shelves.

And I am sure no-one needs you worrying about dust. Probably tbh a lot of household cleaners are more toxic.

It sounds like these women have allot of time on their hands to make idle gossip. Maybe they’ve nothing to do but clean and bitch. Meanwhile you are balancing a high level job, two children with no family help, and a home to look after. Props to you.

You sound like a bully.

Completely agree - and the post that you are obviously a bit thick if you have a clean house. The irony.

She said a Deep clean , ill do the sink loo bath and shower every day, but the tiles and floor ???

I am angry on your behalf, what massive horrid twats. Here is a huge sign to ditch these vile women and spend time with your real friends.
My house is a shit tip and I couldn't give fewer fucks.
Life is too short, enjoy your long weekend spending time with your kids and ignore the mess.
(My mum used to put mess in boxes and cover these with tasteful fabric, making side tables. She was a genius ❤️ She also always had a houseful of friends, none of whom gave a shit about the state of her house)

Honestly, if you think cleaning your bathroom fortnightly is acceptable, I couldn’t care less about your opinion. It turns my stomach to think what a bathroom cleaned so little must look like.

Sending you a hug. They sound horrible. You sound lovely. FWIW, the people I know who have very tidy houses are generally rather insipid, unintelligent and boring 🤷‍♀️

FWIW a tidy house is important to me, but I rarely go to anyone else’s houses and pay any attention to them. It’s their house, live how you want.

Plus there’s levels and interpretations for what clean and tidy means. I have a relative who’s obsessed with cleaning and I’m sure mine wouldn’t be up to her standards, but in the same way, I go to her house and think having my nose immediately assaulted by 4 air fresheners by the door is ridiculous. However, I don’t live there so who cares?

People are so mean, sorry OP I can tell you’re really upset by this.

OP your house sounds completely normal. They’re just petty people, the sooner you break away from them the better.

It sounds like you clean more than me.

And when I was having regular health visitor visits, my HV told me my house was cleaner than hers

Everyone or just those who do their own cleaning. It is possible to reassure OP with being critical towards people who have tidy homes.
My Dsis has a beautiful spotless home, she is a very fast cleaner and naturally puts things back into their place, she also has a professional job, hobbies and interests.
It comes naturally to some people, doesn’t mean they are unintelligent, if anything it shows excellent organisational skills and the ability to plan.

It isn't having a tidy home that people see as unintelligent: it's elevating it to some sort of achievement that warrants commenting negatively about others that tends to signal small-mindedness.

Also, there's tidy and tidy, exactly as @SwatTheTwit has described. It is when having things tidy is such a guiding mission that it is resulting in having few or no things in the home that testify to some kind of cultural or intellectual or artistic or creative interests that a home starts to exude the "mindless tidy" vibe. And it is the owners of such homes who tend to be the ones who make comments about other's homes not being up to scratch.

The vast majority of normal people don't care.

"I can't be bothered to tidy up because it doesn't bother me" is a very fair and reasonable statement.

"I can't be bothered to tidy up because I have a life" makes you sounds like an idiot. We all have lives.

What an odd hill to die on. Get a grip.

Yes it is just mean - and so pointlessly so when you are doing all the really important stuff.

What an odd thing to say. 😂

This is exactly what I was trying to say. You did it a lot more eloquently! The ‘elevating it to some sort of achievement that warrants commenting negatively about others that tends to signal small-mindedness’ is spot on, and exactly my experience of super-tidy people.

Those people sound absolutely vile. We all have different standards of how we like to live, and a lot of us will wish we had the time to do more cleaning and tidying. But in my personal opinion, whats more important is the things that you're doing instead of cleaning/tidying your house i.e spending time with your children, caring for your mom, putting food on the table, showing love to your kids. Those things should always come first, and if your house is a bit untidy in the process then so be it! These judgmental a-holes probably stick their kids in front of the TV all day to get things done and probably always have. They probably don't have high-pressure jobs either.

This post nails it.

A house full of love and life isn't spotless all the time. My house is clean but often a little chaotic with extra people, fun activities for the kids and heck knows what else.

And take no notice of the playground behaviour. You sound like a lovely person who has offered support and hospitality to those in need.

In future suggest they go elsewhere if that's how they feel. Please don't stop being your awesome self just because of others.

OP your ‘friends’ were being ridiculous. They have no right to comment on your home in that way unless it’s an environmental health hazard (and doesn’t sound like it is)

But this thread seems to have brought a judgy few out on the opposite side! That tidy homes can’t be lived in or loved or that people who enjoy cleaning are sad and obviously don’t have a life or that tidy people are boring. WTAF!

I dont care what people think of me. I used to have loads of "friends" but now I just prefer fewer complications. I would WhatsApp the group if there is one. And say that you have heard that people are gossiping about you and lay out the truth mum job kids etc. I wouldnt have them as friends personally but I dont know you.