Is a tidy ordered house really that important?

[Shokupanman]

I am a bit done today.

I heard today school mums have been gossiping about my house being a mess and saying I'm "a scruff." These are people I've welcomed into my home, and defended. People who I like and trust.

My mum has early onset dementia, my dad died when I was a child. I do have a sister who is amazing but she has her own family and challenges; we muddle through together to support my mum best we can. I have a 5 year old and an 8 year old, and a high pressured management job. I know my house could be more presentable but I do my best. It's messy but it's clean for the most part. I'm trying not be be but I'm SO hurt. I know my values are good and if someone else told me this story id say it doesn't matter but aibu to be so hurt? It's really upset me. My husband says forget it but I'm struggling. It's like the straw that's breaking the camel's back.

A clean and tidy house is important TO ME but as long as you don't come to trash my house, and your house is not unsafe for my kids, I would barely notice yours, let alone care, and I would not make any rude comment.

However, it does irritate me when I hear people trying to make themselves feel better saying that tidy is the opposite of normal and lived-in. My house is lived-in, I have kids who have a life but there's no need for mess if you don't want any.

It's QUICKER to keep my house tidy
It takes the same amount of time to hang a coat than throw it on the floor for example..
It's always "visitor ready" whatever the hell that means, so it's not added to the "mental load"
I hate clutter, it's quick to clean when it's not a mess.

I am normal, we have a normal family, but I am busy, I don't have time to be disorganised and messy, I don't like it, so I have a tidy house. Haters gonna hate.

The school Mums who felt they had the right to gossip about you are small minded and horribly mean.
School gates are notorious for producing groups and cliques of appallingly judgemental people. I know it's easy to say but please ignore.
They probably have tiny little lives and to take pleasure in judging and voicing rude, uncalled for opinion is poisonous and not worth your concerns.

such a great post @Calliopespa, thank you. Exactly what I thought but I never say this outloud.

We once viewed a house for sale that whilst clean is not tidy and quite cluttered. The owner is a NHS doctor, also a single mum. There are books everywhere, hers and the children', the fridge door is full of various photos of outings/museum visits with the children.

@Shokupanman , the school mums reminds me of a relative of mine who never works in her life, her house is a show home (she doesn't even likes to cook as she likes to keep her kitchen spotless). She is quite judgemental when visiting others' houses, even when the houses are fine, she always finds faults in them.

Most of us trying to do our best and have different priorities.

You lose a bit of your moral high ground by posting on MN 😂

No it's little grandchildren

It’s hard to keep on top of everything, so don’t worry a lot of people live in abit of mess or clutter, I used to be a perfectionist house spotless but this last year or so I have no desire or energy so I do bits and don’t stress but I do find sometimes it makes me snappy, if they judge just say feel free to help me, people are so quick to criticise but not so quick to offer help or relief from a situation

No matter how much I try, I can't seem to keep my house tidy! Clean, yes. Tidy, no. There's always baskets of dirty laundry, then wet/clean laundry, then the flipping indoor clothes dryer, 12-packs of drinks which seem to have nowhere to go - you name it. It's not like I don't try. I really do. But when I sit back and survey it, it just never looks tidy. Maybe we need a slightly bigger house, I don't know.

My childhood house was the same. Clean as a whistle but always a bit chaotic with toys everywhere. But guess whose house everyone always wanted to visit and called "cosy"?

If the rumours are true, please don't let these women get to you. Who the hell do they think they are?

I understand you came to post in support of the OP however I don't think calling people uneducated and uncultured just because they have a clean and tidy home is the way to go about it.
Funnily enough in my experience of people with untidy/unhygienic homes it tends to be people with lower drive or less 'get up and go' that live this way. They are certainly not the people out visiting museums or baking and crafting with their children!

I hate how these threads inevitably descend into loads of sneering comments about how anyone with a tidy house can't have a life.

If you're genuinely happy with the way you live, why the need to make nasty digs towards those who do things differently?

the only price is to be organised and do things as you go.

For some of us, it's not relaxing to live in a mess, it's not relaxing not to know where things are, it's not relaxing to have to suddenly worry if a friends pops in, it's REALLY not relaxing to waste half a day or a full day off catching up with things.

You seem to confuse being uptight with being simply organised. Kids put their dirty glasses in the dishwasher instead of the sink. Kitchen stays clean. How long does it REALLY take you?

Suitcase empty when you arrive from holiday. You will have to empty it at some point anyway, but one is done and forgotten straight away while you trip on the other and it's a mental chore for days until you finally get round to empty it

It's a choice, but why being so mean against people who make different choices?

YANBU op. It's simply that some people have nothing better to do with their time /lives than think about / gossip about others. Please don't feel bad - pity them x

I find the post you are replying to so unnecessarily bitchy 😂it says a lot about who wrote it, why being so nasty?

I agree with you, the people I know who do the most tend to have the calmest homes. House is full of books, but they have things called bookcase and the books are not, I don't know, on a big pile on the floor?

furniture from certain periods of historic interest how is that untidy in any way? You see them better when they're not hidden under a pile of mess though.

People are indeed hosting, and have pretty much an open-house, because it's always.. visitor ready? So kids friends, playdates, adult coming by? Always welcome.

It's much easier for children to study and find their resources in a tidy environment too. They do non-stop clubs and do need all kind of kits, which are easy to find and full because they are put away properly.

If these threads show something, it's that it's people who seem to bring a lot of anger and resentment, and jealousy by the sound of it.

I used to have a feminist T shirt that read:

Clean house
Empty life

Properly annoyed my mother who had a very clean house and a very empty life

If I didn’t have help from my mum our house would be a total mess. She cleans as a side hustle now she’s retired and that really helps us out (we obviously pay her). Whenever people comment on our house being clean I always make sure to tell them it’s not me and if I didn’t have help it would be a tip.

Growing up my mum was always cleaning and looking back I wish she had chilled out a bit and played with us more and also let us maybe make a mess sometimes. Because we lived in a council house and she had 6 kids I think she was very paranoid about people thinking she was a scruff.

Ha Ha - my parents had a plaque on the wall that said that. Our house was very very messy..

You know I don’t even remember if my house was tidy growing up. I suspect it was average. What I do remember was playing in the garden, reading books, having friends on my street, walking the dog and stroking the cat. Ignore them, and keep going

It's such a load of bollocks though, and honestly reeks of insecurity.

Thanks but I am not confused at all. There is a balance.
I do all the things you list. Please don’t assume that my house is disorderly. It isn’t. Nor unclean.
I am not being mean. All I did was explain my DH’s experience. Please don’t feel personally attacked. I have no intention of doing so.

A good while back, not long after we had moved here, we drove and hour and half to visit with the MIL and on the way DH says lets stop at SIL's ( his sister ) cos Ive not visited her in years

So we rock up and knock at the door and out she comes , all good cheer, how are you etc etc . 20 mins later we are still on the doorstep so I say, are you not inviting us in, been in the car 90 mins I need the loo and a cup of tea wouldn't go amiss . Well the look on her face!! Oh she says but Im doing the housework. So I reply we all do housework sure Ive seen it all. Well in we walked and the only nod to the fact that she was doing housework was the vacuum and mop bucket were out. THE HOUSE WAS SHOW HOME SPOTLESS!!!!

Her daughter , about 12 showed me up to her bedroom, it was like something from a magazine, a bed, chest of drawers and wardrobe, cushions all neatly stacked on the bed and just one soft toy sat on a chair

Later on, after about an hour whilst DH and SIL were in the garden , I said to Neice - any chance of another cuppa - "Oh I dont know, I will need to ask as mummy has cleaned the kitchen"

This was a family who had spent a week in my home , so I wasnt some random

Ive never gone back

Come to my door and you are invited in and the kettle is on before the coat is off your back . I might be getting a clean mug out of the dishwasher and there may well be a pile of washing on the floor and a bowl of food scraps waiting to be fed to the chooks. I have no problem at all if you ask to use the loo, I dont have to rush in to make sure its clean, might be dust on the window cill or a cobweb in the corner - but the loo, sink, bath shower, towels are clean

Yeah and my kitchen floor usually has seen better days ( I have animals and we live in the country and country is never clean - dust or mud ) but Im not asking you to eat or drink off it

it's interesting that you need to reassure yourself, why is that?

it's also insulting to pretend that being tidy or not is a "feminist" issue.

In that case you can't know whether anyone said anything to anyone about your house, just that you need to be a little wary of person c as a potential shit-stirrer.

People can be judgemental and some make themselves feel better about themselves by criticising others. I understand why you feel hurt but people have varyings standards and feelings about what constitutes a "tidy ordered house" .
When i got a similar criticism by someone id been very kind to, i has a good look at myself and asked if there was a grain of truth in it ? Had i let things slide,was i happy with my house keeping? Truth is there had been a bit of slippage into the not the cleanest realm rather than just untidy and i made an effort to get some help with cleaning and organising and made an effort to keep things in check,i felt better for it but it does slip back from time to time! I invited the woman who criticised by home standards round and had purchased a small sign that i displayed prominently in my kitchen saying "only very boring people have a very tidy home".....

Sending a hug, OP.

Some people are just cruel, judgemental and gossipy. It says far more about them than it does about you.

I’m disabled now and can’t keep our housework up to the standards I had when I was more physically able. I’m sure I’d be upset if I heard something like you did, but I know that I do my best.

The people who really matter won’t judge us.

They sound awful and judgemental.

If I go round to a friend's house and it's messy that makes me feel pleased that they are just like me and don't obsess over cleaning and also pleased that they trust me enough to know that I won't judge which I would never do.

The only time my house was consistently tidy was when I had no children or dogs living at home. When you have one or both, it's better to be more relaxed.

My own mother spent far too much time worrying about what other people would think, so our home was not a relaxing place. You sound like a lovely mum with a house full of love. The other mums who talked about you behind your back, should find more important things to worry about.