Is a tidy ordered house really that important?

[Shokupanman]

I am a bit done today.

I heard today school mums have been gossiping about my house being a mess and saying I'm "a scruff." These are people I've welcomed into my home, and defended. People who I like and trust.

My mum has early onset dementia, my dad died when I was a child. I do have a sister who is amazing but she has her own family and challenges; we muddle through together to support my mum best we can. I have a 5 year old and an 8 year old, and a high pressured management job. I know my house could be more presentable but I do my best. It's messy but it's clean for the most part. I'm trying not be be but I'm SO hurt. I know my values are good and if someone else told me this story id say it doesn't matter but aibu to be so hurt? It's really upset me. My husband says forget it but I'm struggling. It's like the straw that's breaking the camel's back.

F em

Tidy home tidy mind, our homes say alot about us.

Im a minalilsit some would say an extreme one.
I hate clutter and mess and things laying around im not using, i like clear empty worktops.

I was raised in a home that was full of clutter and just mess not dirty just mes and clutter.
Walls full of random pitchers cupboards and draws full of crap, worktops you couldnt see with piles of paper and and other crap.
Coffee table pile of mags remotes bits and bobs.
And dont get me started with the furrniture we didnt need, it was just to much.

I ended my last relationship because of clutter and mess.

I've never had a tidy, orderly home.
Don't worry about stupid, gossipy people, they are beneath your notice.

What really counts as a tidy organised house?

DP likes to stack the cushions in the corner of the sofa to make himself a comfy nest, there is usually a cup or glass abandoned somewhere or a pair of shoes kicked off in the hallway. We’re pretty much always 5 minutes away from being fully company ready! But.. the floors are swept/mopped/hoovered. The surfaces are dusted, kitchen is clean, bathrooms are visitor ready.

It’s a space where I can relax and feel happy in. And that’s the important bit OP, we don’t all need to live in show houses just homes that are comfortable for us and our families. Ignore the outside negativity

That is a very unfair thing to say.

I am a very long way from dim and I like cleaning my house. I like imposing order when spaces have become chaotic and I enjoy the fruits of it.

If I am going to cook, I like the kitchen to be clean and bright...for me.
If I am going to have a bath, I like the bathroom to be clean and fresh smelling...for me.
If I am going to bed, I like sweet smelling sheets and pretty cushions...for me.
If I am going to wear clothes(!) I like them to be clean, mended and ironed. I am my own lady's maid...for me.

I treat myself as very important person who is worthy of a pleasant environment.

On top of all this, I am an intelligent woman who reads, writes, plays an instrument and keeps abreast of current affairs.

So, to like cleaning and want a lovely environment is not dim but your remark certainly is.

None of us can possibly know the state of your house

Possible these school Mums are just mean bitches

But TBH, if I heard that people were commenting on the state of my house, I'd wonder if they had a point. Perhaps it is worse than you think. Cleaning the bathroom once per two weeks isn't great

Calling someone a scruff is nasty. I'd be hurt too. They must have small lives if their topic of conversation is other people's homes.

Honestly, ignore! A DD’s house (3 young dcs) is often ‘carnage’ as she puts it, but the dcs have masses of friends round all the time, and there are almost as many parents socialising at hers.

By contrast, Gdd1 has a friend (an only) who came for a lot of play dates, but Gdd was never invited back. Eventually dd asked the mother why. ‘I feel the house needs to be super tidy for any guests, and it’s too much effort.’

F them! I will often take the kids out and actually live life rather than tidy, life is too short!

If people feel they need a tidy ordered home then let them at it, everyone is different, but there is no morality attached to how tidy our homes are.

I like to tell myself a tidy house is a sign of wasted life 😊

That comment is unfair, it's no better than judging someone for having a messy house.

No no no! The only rubbish the OP needs to be throwing out their home is this so called but now EX friend. How dare anyone accept hospitality & friendship & then badmouth the host. OP sounds as if she runs her household like most of us & has nothing to be ashamed of.

They say sometimes the trash takes itself out - & in this case that friend can jump in the nearest wheelie bin!

You have 2 young kids, you're caring for your mum and you're working.

So what if your house is a bit messy! You're doing great (fuck the haters!).

Cleaning the bathroom I discovered Dettol wet wipes. So if the males!!! In the house whizz freely in and on the loo it's a quick wipe and done. Ditto the sink with toothpaste. Just fill with hot water then bit of a scrub, empty and Dettol wipe.

I've been on sticks, crutches, so necessity is the mother of invention. 😂

The one thing I will say in favour of a tidy house is how calming it is! Having a messy home for 40 odd years I now feel a sense of ‘coming home’ when I walk in the door and enjoy my home so much more. If you like living as you are (although it sounds like you are stressing a lot) then ignore these ‘friends’. If you would like a tidier more manageable home then everyone, especially DH, needs to step up and stop letting you be the default house slave.

I hope you mean the males are using the wipes and you aren’t cleaning up their piss yourself. And unless they are under 5 tell them to aim in the toilet.

I second much of this.

I came to say something I thought would be massively controversial but have been beaten to it: sometimes people who focus on being tidy can be quite small minded, gossipy types who are overly concerned about what others are saying or thinking simply because they are the first to think or say it about others. They imagine everyone places the same importance on it, and that everyone is as mean-minded in their judgment.

Secondly - and here I make my most controversial point - ime very tidy homes tend to be the preserve of the not very well-educated. It's as if tidying up is the kind of intellectual gear they function best in. They tend not to have possessions that pertain to their studies or interests, eg books, furniture from certain periods of historic interest, paintings of certain styles of art. Usually there is a biiiiiiig tv centre stage. That's fine if that's their thing, and if they are happy living that way, but they shouldn't consider it morally superior. People are just different, with different priorities, differnt backgrounds. That's what makes a world and you shouldn't be afraid to occupy the part it you you fit best in.

Very few people spend their time doing absolutely nothing.

Some will spend it reading to their children, or supervising their violin practice, or hosting, or visiting friends or museum exhibitions or whatever. Others will spend it tidying the house. We all have the same hours in each day, and the state of the house simply testifies to what extent that takes up a share of those hours. Most of us feel it needs to take up some. Others feel until it is perfect other aspects of life must wait.

Those horrible women do not deserve to have you as a friend and your children are lucky to have you as a mum. It sounds as if they live in a home (and I mean home not house) where they can play, be creative and relax. My child rearing days are long behind me but I have a lovely friend with a 4 year old who I visit often and their home is a pleasure to go to because it is obvious that a young chid lives and plays there. Her books, and toys are out as are her crayons and paper. her current creation of a house made of a large cardboard house takes pride of place in the day time and visitors are invited to draw on it and decorate it with stickers. An immaculate house with young children in it is a bit strange in my opinion.

I’m a very house proud person - always bloody tweaking my house. You know what? It feels never-ending and draining. I can’t relax and it probably comes at the expense of quality time with my family. You have the right priorities - don’t waste time worrying about this woman’s thoughts.

You are the normal one OP, they are obviously unhappy, that’s the only explanation that can ever apply to people that act like this. I repeat, you and your house are completely normal.

That is so Horrible. That would upset me too. Reassure yourself that you’re good enough exactly as you are. And they’re twits.
also ‘what other people think of me is none of my business!’

Oh, do one. Nobody cares about your Clean House Virtue Signalling.

OP does your husband do his bit? I'm not asking to defend the people who said this, they're arseholes, but you have a high level job, don't let him slink out of his share.

Hmm, sounds like they're trying to make a bit of drama.

I'm a firm believer in clean house = wasted life.

The thing I don't like about cleaning is that it's never completed: it always has to be re-done eventually. I always try to deal with small tasks as and when; but I can't get worked up about a bit of mess. My compromise is to wait until something is noticeably bad, and then blitz it. I feel more satisfaction that way. What I really can't stand is when somebody moans about mess, but refuses to do anything about it, especially if it's their mess.

Please don't let this get to you. You know that, you are doing your best. The people close to you are the ones that matter and your lovely husband is supportive so please don't worry and make yourself anxious about the people who are gossiping.
My house isn't very tidy but I'm not going to make it into a show home so that other people can be impressed by it. I do what I can and wouldn't shout at my children for leaving a mess or being untidy. They feel comfortable in their home, thats what matters.
The people who are talking like this are not friends.