Is a tidy ordered house really that important?

Shokupanman · 2026-05-22T23:18:36+00:00

I am a bit done today. I heard today school mums have been gossiping about my house being a mess and saying I'm "a scruff." These are people I've welcomed into my home, and defended. People who I like and trust. My mum has early onset dementia, my dad died when I was a child. I do have a sister who is amazing but she has her own family and challenges; we muddle through together to support my mum best we can. I have a 5 year old and an 8 year old, and a high pressured management job. I know my house could be more presentable but I do my best. It's messy but it's clean for the most part. I'm trying not be be but I'm SO hurt. I know my values are good and if someone else told me this story id say it doesn't matter but aibu to be so hurt? It's really upset me. My husband says forget it but I'm struggling. It's like the straw that's breaking the camel's back.

ShetlandishMum · Today 00:20

Ignore. Carry on. 75% of families have homes like this.

Spaghettioverload · Today 00:21

Yanbu

humptydumptyfelloff · Today 00:26

Ah ignore them op.
sorry they’re making you feel crap

womena code has gone out the window now hasn’t it.

SmallandSpanish · Today 00:29

Ignore them, it’s normal and irrelevant but don’t have them round again. They don’t deserve your hospitality

Weenurse · Today 00:30

You are also probably the Mum who says yes to play dates and helping out in emergencies so they see your real life. Majority of homes are messy and lived in with young children.
Most would probably see tidy homes with pre planned visits but would be messy if you dropped in unexpectedly.
I have discovered the secret to a tidy house is your DC leaving home!
Dont let it bother you and find better friends

JillThePlantKiller · Today 00:43

How did you hear that? If someone told you that, they do not have your best interests at heart. They may not even be telling the truth.

My lovely aunt was affectionately notorious in our family for her messy house and sometimes relatives would talk about it behind her back. But one of my other aunts had a weirdly self righteous attitude about it, and would tell her what “everyone” thought about her, under the guise of helping her/ giving tough love/ wising her up, motivating her to sort herself out, etc. Actually she was just a small minded, petty little bitch compared with my lovely warm hearted, generous, kinder than you could even imagine aunt. People did comment, behind her back, for various reasons - some took comfort that their own houses weren’t quite that bad, some worried she was over stretched, some mentioned it as her one, surprising, flaw, or with an affectionate eye roll. It wasn’t anywhere near as cutting or malicious as my other aunt made out.

What people say behind your back isn’t really your business and it’s more about the people saying it than it is about you. There could have been a context, a completely different tone, or the conversation might never have happened.

And if it did, it says soooo much more about them than it does about you or your house.

Chin up op. You know you’ve got your priorities straight and the people who need you are lucky.

Original poster

Shokupanman · Today 00:43

Thank you 💓 I'm trying to tell myself it's just one ot two opinions and we all have opinions that differ. I guess life can be very overwhelming for me at times and I thought I'd built a circle of people who saw the things that mattered to me/us and focussed on my efforts with those things. It hurts to feel I maybe got that wrong.

Despite it all, I genuinely don't think my house is that bad so I guess I'm confused as well as hurt. But I'm mostly just upset, and that sucks.

OP posts:

onemorerose · Today 00:49

I’m sure your house is fine, maybe not pristine but lived in, like my own! Don’t give it a second thought if you are happy with it. Sometimes those that judge are just trying to make themselves feel better.

Original poster

Shokupanman · Today 00:52

JillThePlantKiller · Today 00:43

How did you hear that? If someone told you that, they do not have your best interests at heart. They may not even be telling the truth.

My lovely aunt was affectionately notorious in our family for her messy house and sometimes relatives would talk about it behind her back. But one of my other aunts had a weirdly self righteous attitude about it, and would tell her what “everyone” thought about her, under the guise of helping her/ giving tough love/ wising her up, motivating her to sort herself out, etc. Actually she was just a small minded, petty little bitch compared with my lovely warm hearted, generous, kinder than you could even imagine aunt. People did comment, behind her back, for various reasons - some took comfort that their own houses weren’t quite that bad, some worried she was over stretched, some mentioned it as her one, surprising, flaw, or with an affectionate eye roll. It wasn’t anywhere near as cutting or malicious as my other aunt made out.

What people say behind your back isn’t really your business and it’s more about the people saying it than it is about you. There could have been a context, a completely different tone, or the conversation might never have happened.

And if it did, it says soooo much more about them than it does about you or your house.

Chin up op. You know you’ve got your priorities straight and the people who need you are lucky.

Ah this has really helped me thank you. I so appreciate you taking the time to type all that out. Your messy aunt sounds like a lovely lady 😍

I heard cos apparently person a told person b when they were friends. Person b now doesn't like person a, so told person c who is my friend. I was then defending person a today to person c so person c told me I shouldn't trust person a cos they said all this about me... All feels very silly to recount...

OP posts:

canuckup · Today 03:12

Well they sound awful

As long as there isn't trash everywhere and it's relatively tidy I don't see a problem really

Bedroomdilemmas113 · Today 07:46

Is this person exaggerating or is your house genuinely and objectively bad? There’s a difference between messy and unclean and unhygienic. Either they’re bitchy, or they’re being honest and were actually shocked by the state of your house. Nobody on here will know the answer to that as we haven’t been to your house. If your house is messy, unclean and unhygienic then yes people are likely to talk about it whether it gets back to you or not.

NotMeAtAll · Today 07:51

How is a "perfect" tidy house better than one that isn't? I know some people are obsessive about tidiness, but it's not something I can relate to. If it's dirty and covered in dog shit that's different of course.

Original poster

Shokupanman · Today 08:08

No there isn't trash everywhere. I clean the kitchen several times a day. Never go to bed without all the dishes being done etc. put laundry away as soon as it's dry. Deep clean the bathroom once a week/fortnight if really busy. We have one hamster but no free roaming pets! We just have a lot of stuff so there is clutter and the living room gets messy. I tidy it all up when the kids go to bed but I guess when school mums have been in my house it's usually cos kids have been to play and the toys are all out!

Just writing that out makes me realise how ridiculous this gossip is. It's not a show home but it's lived in and a place where kids can be kids and I'm not ashamed of that.

OP posts:

Sartre · Today 08:11

Do they have jobs? I often find it’s SAHM’s with little life outside of their children who act like this. I’m not being snooty against SAHM’s before anyone pounces, I just think working mums have so much going on day to day they don’t have time to stand around gossiping about bullshit at the school gates.

It goes without saying but they’re witches. Most houses with young children are a bit messy.

JustAnUdea · Today 08:12

You know now who not to invite again
They are jealous gossips.

Larrythecatforpm · Today 08:14

It’s important but your house doesn’t sound bad at all! Tell them to fuck off.

ILombardiallaPrimaCrociata · Today 08:20

It sounds like you are on top of things, so I would ignore.

However, I do wonder where is your husband in all this as it seems like you are doing most of the chores.

NB: a thorough declutter would probably help.

DriveVerySlowlyPastNumber23IWantThemToSeeMyHat · Today 08:23

My motto is our home is lived in, not a show home. If people don't like it, they know where the door is.

My house isn't tidy. We've got toys everywhere but my daughter is happy and that's all I'm bothered about 😊

Big hugs xx

PlummyAndFruity · Today 08:25

Don't believe everything you're told. I wouldn't necessarily believe the person who told you this. There are many stirrers around who just love to cause trouble. If you value the friendship of the person accused of calling you a scruff, I would perhaps speak to her.

MyLimeGuide · Today 08:27

Be safe in the knowledge that you have learned about those people- that they are twats!!

Bedroomdilemmas113 · Today 08:28

If you only clean your bathroom once a fortnight if you’re busy, that does suggest your standards are lower than just a bit messy…

GethsemaneHall · Today 08:30

A tidy ordered house is important..to me. So I keep it tidy and ordered (yes I work full-time).

However, your house sounds clean (personally I would attend to the bathroom more than once a week/fortnight, that sounds like it could be on the grotty side by the time you get around to cleaning it) just gets messy with the kids toys through the day? As long as someone's house is clean, rubbish isn't strewn across the floor and there is room to sit etc then live and let live.

My only question is if you are being truthful with yourself about your living conditions? Usually for people to be commenting on the state of someone's home it is worse than the person living there realises and I don't want to blab on about the bathroom but up to two weeks between cleans in a family home doesn't sound particularly clean to me.

Monty36 · Today 08:32

There is a price to be paid for having a spotless home.
It is not a relaxing place to live in. But an uptight one.

Adverts, internet and magazines all show spotless homes. They aren’t realistic.
Some people do live like that. But at a price.

sandgrown · Today 08:33

My house isn’t a show home and there are times I have been embarrassed when people turned up unexpectedly. You will however always get a warm welcome , tea or coffee and a biscuit or cake . I was quite cheered when a friend said how relaxed she feels at my house . Ignore the comments OP you are doing a great job x

Humblepieman · Today 08:35

JillThePlantKiller · Today 00:43

How did you hear that? If someone told you that, they do not have your best interests at heart. They may not even be telling the truth.

My lovely aunt was affectionately notorious in our family for her messy house and sometimes relatives would talk about it behind her back. But one of my other aunts had a weirdly self righteous attitude about it, and would tell her what “everyone” thought about her, under the guise of helping her/ giving tough love/ wising her up, motivating her to sort herself out, etc. Actually she was just a small minded, petty little bitch compared with my lovely warm hearted, generous, kinder than you could even imagine aunt. People did comment, behind her back, for various reasons - some took comfort that their own houses weren’t quite that bad, some worried she was over stretched, some mentioned it as her one, surprising, flaw, or with an affectionate eye roll. It wasn’t anywhere near as cutting or malicious as my other aunt made out.

What people say behind your back isn’t really your business and it’s more about the people saying it than it is about you. There could have been a context, a completely different tone, or the conversation might never have happened.

And if it did, it says soooo much more about them than it does about you or your house.

Chin up op. You know you’ve got your priorities straight and the people who need you are lucky.

This is an excellent post and is the truth.

I need a pretty tidy home because of my own issues and they are issues, but I don’t sit there faux bitching about my mates who live differently which I have plenty because it is normal for busy modern lives.

You can almost imagine this coming from one woman with her own issues, like the PP’s not nice aunt, and the others just inappropriately enjoying the random gossip because most people just don’t give a shit about this type of stuff.