Relative took my niece and missed my child's party

[Familygal1]

Please bear with me as this is long but I don't want to miss details out.

It was my child's birthday and I'd organised a small party after school with them, their sibling and 2 cousins who are also siblings (and who we are very close with) - 4 children in total.

The morning of DC's birthday, I found out from another family member that she's taking one of the cousins away for a few days and that child won't be attending. The plans were last minute arranged very late the night before and purely so parents didn't have to parent.

Side note: I'm also close with this family member as she has my neice/nephew for childcare and we meet up a few times a week with the kids.

So, when I found out she was taking her, I was absolutely devastated. It meant a lot for both cousins to be there to celebrate my child's birthday. They'd agreed to come and I'd made a cake, sorted food etc. because it was such a small gathering, their presence was missed. This family member knew all of this and decided not to mention to parents or try to resolve it.

To be clear, before the relative left with my niece, I expressed my upset and disappointment. She told me she understood etc. and admitted that there was no reason for the niece to be going other than it been a break for parents. Obviously this didn't seem like a valid reason to miss a close family members part to me and I reiterated how upset I was. Family member did nothing.

I told nieces parents that I was upset and they said they hadn't thought it through, it was last minute and apologised. I was still upset but ultimately I accept this. They didn't know how I felt until it was too late.

However, I was still feeling really hurt the next morning and actually, things had progressed to anger. I messaged the relative calmly (at first) to get it off my chest. I told her that she could have said something to the parents, especially after seeing my hurt and upset. I told her I felt like my child wasn't a priority. I honestly feel like she shouldn't have gone, told the parents that it wasn't fair to my child to not have everyone there to celebrate them etc.

She said sorry for not calling but quickly followed this up with excuses and said she was trying to help (obviously not my child or me). She said she didn't think I'd minded (after I explicitly expressed my feelings before she left). Honestly the message felt insincere, dismissive and unapologetic. There was no accountability.

I was fuming after that and message back saying it was 'bull💩' she didn't know as I told her and she saw me.
I told her she let me and my child down.

I know this is harsh but it's also true.

Her response was dismissive again: 'im
sorry you feel that way'.

I blocked her after that message as I realised she either didn't actually care how hurt I was or couldn't accept any accountability and I wasn't going to get an apology or the validation of my feelings I needed.

I'm sure this is a bit U. But am a unreasonable expecting her to put my child first given it was his birthday, the birthday plans were made and their new plans were VERY last minute and could have been easily cancelled? Like I said I was close to her so for her to see how upset I was and not act isn't something I feel I can easily forgive. AIBU?

Goodness what a massive overreaction.

why didn't they come to the party and then go away?

Are you always so judgey OP? That might be why they weren't bothered about their child going to the party. Just a thought in case you might not be aware of it.

I think they were shitty.
This party was planned for four kids only.
And so weren’t there after knowing full well about it and for no decent reason.
I would take it as a lesson learned OP.
This couple have their own chaotic ways with different rules. Your children can still mix but I would no longer plan anything with them involved.

Reading the OP and not much else I'm not surprised there isn't a voting option. It's disappointing but for such a young child's birthday it is a completely ott reaction.
Honestly though birthday child was going to be at least 7 or 8. Even then OP having such a bout of the dramatics is a bit cringey.

Get over it. It’s not the end of the world.

This is all about you, not your pre-school son who will only be interested in cake, ice-cream and presents, not whether his little cousin will be there. If this sort of “upset” is going to turn you into a hysterical mess, I dread to think what major upsets (and believe me, there will be many in the future) will do to your fragile mental state.

I think it's the parents of niece you should be cross at, and they've apologised. Ultimately it's their job to schedule where their child is. Honestly, I'd be mildly hurt, and then I'd get over it. It's not the end of the world, it's mildly annoying because you've sorted food and your child missed them but nobody has really done anything that bad.
Your child still likes their cousin, and you like the other family member who took then out, so I would take a deep breath and think about what really matters here.

It was a bit thoughtless, but you are totally overreacting!

I read lots about how upset you were but how was your child? Did they have a good? If they did don’t worry so much.

I would have been very annoyed with them, but I don’t think I'd want it to escalate to a feud like dynamic within family. I’d have said I was very disappointed and left it at that, but I do understand why you were angry.

"...purely so they didn't have to parent." Maybe parents arranged for kid to be away to minimise their contact with soneone who so readily criticises their parenting.

My sister has a tendency to cancel which is annoying so I don’t mention that she will be coming with my niece to anything until they’re there, then it’s always a nice surprise rather than a disappointment.

This did annoy me and I felt justified in this annoyance, however my 2 rarely want friends over from school so I also realised her presence is more important to them than it would be most children who have school friends over for play dates/attending birthday their parties.

Does the parent of this other child have more out of family socialising relationships than you do and therefore doesn’t feel the impact as greatly? Either way, you’d mentioned it and they apologised. As others have said, it’s annoying and hurtful but not to the extent you want to burn bridges.

I think you should message saying you were feeling very hurt but have realised that she wasn’t aware of how important the cousin’s presence at the party was and that you don’t want a permanent falling out. Sometimes being “right” isn’t the most important thing, we have to let things go or we’ll be all consumed by anger and upset.

Is there more to this? Past let downs etc? This seems like it's gotten out of control very quickly for one missed party. Which I do understand is upsetting but to this degree?
I feel there is some resentment somewhere.

This is not serious surely??? Neice has the opportunity to go away for a nice little break and you are fuming because they missed a get together of 4 people? Which it sounds like they do all the time anyway? Oh give over!

You need to develop a thicker skin before actual school parties outside of family, please trust me on this.

I'm confused as to why you're taking this out on this person and not the child's parents, who ultimately decided it was fine to miss your party. Have you blocked the child's parents too?

I’m a bit distracted by this dismal lifestyle.

The parents spend as much of their free time gaming as they can. They leave their older child to game and watch YouTube while they do it. They only don’t do it while the younger child is around because the child is too small to have been trained up into constant screen time.

Haven’t they heard how excessive screen use in childhood is damaging to health and mental health? It’s not that brilliant in adulthood either. What a sad scene you have painted of their family life.

You sound like incredibly hard work.