Relative took my niece and missed my child's party

[Familygal1]

Please bear with me as this is long but I don't want to miss details out.

It was my child's birthday and I'd organised a small party after school with them, their sibling and 2 cousins who are also siblings (and who we are very close with) - 4 children in total.

The morning of DC's birthday, I found out from another family member that she's taking one of the cousins away for a few days and that child won't be attending. The plans were last minute arranged very late the night before and purely so parents didn't have to parent.

Side note: I'm also close with this family member as she has my neice/nephew for childcare and we meet up a few times a week with the kids.

So, when I found out she was taking her, I was absolutely devastated. It meant a lot for both cousins to be there to celebrate my child's birthday. They'd agreed to come and I'd made a cake, sorted food etc. because it was such a small gathering, their presence was missed. This family member knew all of this and decided not to mention to parents or try to resolve it.

To be clear, before the relative left with my niece, I expressed my upset and disappointment. She told me she understood etc. and admitted that there was no reason for the niece to be going other than it been a break for parents. Obviously this didn't seem like a valid reason to miss a close family members part to me and I reiterated how upset I was. Family member did nothing.

I told nieces parents that I was upset and they said they hadn't thought it through, it was last minute and apologised. I was still upset but ultimately I accept this. They didn't know how I felt until it was too late.

However, I was still feeling really hurt the next morning and actually, things had progressed to anger. I messaged the relative calmly (at first) to get it off my chest. I told her that she could have said something to the parents, especially after seeing my hurt and upset. I told her I felt like my child wasn't a priority. I honestly feel like she shouldn't have gone, told the parents that it wasn't fair to my child to not have everyone there to celebrate them etc.

She said sorry for not calling but quickly followed this up with excuses and said she was trying to help (obviously not my child or me). She said she didn't think I'd minded (after I explicitly expressed my feelings before she left). Honestly the message felt insincere, dismissive and unapologetic. There was no accountability.

I was fuming after that and message back saying it was 'bull💩' she didn't know as I told her and she saw me.
I told her she let me and my child down.

I know this is harsh but it's also true.

Her response was dismissive again: 'im
sorry you feel that way'.

I blocked her after that message as I realised she either didn't actually care how hurt I was or couldn't accept any accountability and I wasn't going to get an apology or the validation of my feelings I needed.

I'm sure this is a bit U. But am a unreasonable expecting her to put my child first given it was his birthday, the birthday plans were made and their new plans were VERY last minute and could have been easily cancelled? Like I said I was close to her so for her to see how upset I was and not act isn't something I feel I can easily forgive. AIBU?

Crikey oh Reilly this is batshit.

Totally.

You really did not need to go texting the next day. You had already explained your disappointment and upset. You basically had a temper tantrum.

You’ve had a hard time because you made a giant mountain out of a particularly small molehill. Honestly, OP, I’d hate to see how you deal with actual negative events.

They were rude and dismissive of an arrangement.
It was your childs birthday and you went to some effort.
Of course you are going to feel hurt.

I think you have every right to be very disappointed in their behaviour.

Now you have seen exactly how rude and dismissive they can be, you need to seriously suit yourself going forward.

Dear Lord.
You are going to need therapy to get through school gates/what’s app class groups/ primary school aged parties.
Honestly - unblock and apologise for kicking off.
Blame the hot weather & hormones.
Im a great believer in if you say you will do something then you do it but this is hugely OTT.
Im so glad I was an older mum. I couldn’t hve stood this malarky.

I don't know whether you have a family-type relationship with school mums, or have a school mum relationship with family, but for most, those are completely different things.

Overly dramatic

I understand why you’re upset too. and the child’s parents may have apologised but they sound a bit shit- home all day gaming and their 6yo is ok to stay because they can entertain themselves watching tv? They could have cancelled the trip themselves, they are the parents.

@Familygal1 this is really the parents fault not the relative’s fault. Even if they had offered to take the kid off the parents hands for a few days, to help them out, the parents should have specified thanks but it can’t be until after so and so’s party.

Them saying they forgot isn’t good enough. You’ve really let them off the hook on this one, when it was them who had originally accepted the invite on their children’s behalf.

It isn’t your family members responsibility to back track on their offer to have the kid because you are unhappy. This is purely the fault of the cousin’s parents.

You lost my sympathy with this comment about what your relatives do at home. What business of Mumsnet's is it? What business of yours, for that matter?

You all sound about 12. You sound jealous and dramatic. Grow up.

Maybe your sibling is going through something you’re unaware of and that’s why they needed the help? The question is why the relative babysitting couldn’t just come to the party too?

This is all over a toddlers birthday, how utterly ridiculous. How could you have built that up to be such a big event that was make or break in regards to ‘meaning’ to you. A toddler birthday? It’s not a 21st ffs. Such a huge overreaction and likely an upset child who was only upset due to parent modelling such ridiculous behaviour.

That.

I get that but you must not pass that on to your child who is too young to be feeling aggrieved for long.

It's over now, don't make such a big thing out of similar in future. Life is full of disappointments, we cope.

I'm sure your daughter had a lovely birthday and has many more to come.

An overreaction probably when you see her often she probably thought it wasn’t such a major issue given that it was a very small event (not to you though obviously)

Most ppl are inherently selfish. They wouldn’t care it was your child’s bday bc it’s your child not theirs. If they were given the opportunity to have some time to themselves they would have taken it over going to your house and sitting through a dull pre-schooler party. Not everyone is as selfish as this but a lot of ppl put themsleves first at the cost of hurting others and make their half apologised probably not even caring whether they’re actually accepted. Try and enjoy it without them

While you are talking about the situation-
Childs party, two cousins etc - none of that actually matters.

There is a family dynamic out working here that had you so emotionally volatile when you didn’t get the emotional response you wanted you escalated and then blocked.

You’re now looking for validation and only responding to a few posters who are validating you.

You should be curious - why this person, what about this scenario is triggering, why are you both ignoring and dismissing the parents who were the ones who accepted the invitation but didn’t honour the invitation etc.

You have rejection issues that if you’re not careful you’ll pass onto your kids.

Widen their network and yours. You will all need it if you burn through relationships like this.

I can understand why you were upset but why keep going on about it?

If I had been the relative, I’d have got frustrated too. It’s not their fault, and you had already expressed how you felt the day before.

Your a judgemental cow. Also get a grib. Your angry someone missed your kids birthday. Your beyond unhinged

Oh dear,
It sounds like you've put a lot of thought and effort into the birthday party, did your kids enjoy it?

What do you mean the relative admitted there was no reason to go apart from child care? They don't need a reason to go away for a couple of nights do they?

I don't want to sound harsh when you're upset, but there isn't really a nice way to ask... why on earth are you shouting at the person you seem to like and see most of in the group? It's the parents choice if they go away or not surely? Was the adult invited to the party aswell? Are they a family member aswell? Sorry if you've answered.

They said they were giving the parents a break, and you said they do childcare, you meet up, the kids obviously like this person aswell. It doesn't sound like anything was done to deliberately hurt your feelings, but I can see why you feel let down.

From what you've described of the parents behaviour, I can't tell if you're lashing out because you're hurt, or if you genuinely think they're shit parents. They shouldn't have double booked the day, but a weekend away is so nice for kids.

I think as soon as you shout or swear in a discussion, or messaging you end up on the back foot straight away. I honestly understand why you feel let down, but try and calm down. Unblock them, because you're going to see them again by the sounds of it and try and think from the relatives POV aswell. She has been told by this kids parents its fine to take her away for the bank holiday weekend. They should have told you if their daughter had a change of plans.

It's extremely bad manners to cancel last minute, or accept a different invitation, but as the host, there's no need for shouting or drama, especially not the next day. Nas this person actually done anything wrong? Your nieces parents accepted the invitation of going away.
The relative is just doing something nice for your niece, and her parents gave it the OK.

My mum and aunty always say this and I've never heard anyone else say it! What's it from?

You are way overreacting to this disappointment and not going to come out of this well. Do you often react like this? It’s quite volatile.

OP I think this sounds like an extreme overaction to one child missing from a toddlers party but the hurt and rage makes me think there is a lot more going on here.
When you have calmed down maybe you need to evaluate why this hurt so much.
Are you lonely and maybe need to make some friends rather than rely on family?
Are you depressed? Is there resentment about the way your family treat you and your children?
You do sound genuinely upset but it sounds like the party is just the last straw for you and not an issue in isolation.
Have a good party with the children there. A preschooler only needs a couple of other children there anyway. I had that once with my January child and his older brother and friend played at "putting on a party for little brother" and had a great time.