Relative took my niece and missed my child's party

[Familygal1]

Please bear with me as this is long but I don't want to miss details out.

It was my child's birthday and I'd organised a small party after school with them, their sibling and 2 cousins who are also siblings (and who we are very close with) - 4 children in total.

The morning of DC's birthday, I found out from another family member that she's taking one of the cousins away for a few days and that child won't be attending. The plans were last minute arranged very late the night before and purely so parents didn't have to parent.

Side note: I'm also close with this family member as she has my neice/nephew for childcare and we meet up a few times a week with the kids.

So, when I found out she was taking her, I was absolutely devastated. It meant a lot for both cousins to be there to celebrate my child's birthday. They'd agreed to come and I'd made a cake, sorted food etc. because it was such a small gathering, their presence was missed. This family member knew all of this and decided not to mention to parents or try to resolve it.

To be clear, before the relative left with my niece, I expressed my upset and disappointment. She told me she understood etc. and admitted that there was no reason for the niece to be going other than it been a break for parents. Obviously this didn't seem like a valid reason to miss a close family members part to me and I reiterated how upset I was. Family member did nothing.

I told nieces parents that I was upset and they said they hadn't thought it through, it was last minute and apologised. I was still upset but ultimately I accept this. They didn't know how I felt until it was too late.

However, I was still feeling really hurt the next morning and actually, things had progressed to anger. I messaged the relative calmly (at first) to get it off my chest. I told her that she could have said something to the parents, especially after seeing my hurt and upset. I told her I felt like my child wasn't a priority. I honestly feel like she shouldn't have gone, told the parents that it wasn't fair to my child to not have everyone there to celebrate them etc.

She said sorry for not calling but quickly followed this up with excuses and said she was trying to help (obviously not my child or me). She said she didn't think I'd minded (after I explicitly expressed my feelings before she left). Honestly the message felt insincere, dismissive and unapologetic. There was no accountability.

I was fuming after that and message back saying it was 'bull💩' she didn't know as I told her and she saw me.
I told her she let me and my child down.

I know this is harsh but it's also true.

Her response was dismissive again: 'im
sorry you feel that way'.

I blocked her after that message as I realised she either didn't actually care how hurt I was or couldn't accept any accountability and I wasn't going to get an apology or the validation of my feelings I needed.

I'm sure this is a bit U. But am a unreasonable expecting her to put my child first given it was his birthday, the birthday plans were made and their new plans were VERY last minute and could have been easily cancelled? Like I said I was close to her so for her to see how upset I was and not act isn't something I feel I can easily forgive. AIBU?

I’m meaning the parent of the child not the relative who took them away. The parents would have had to agree to said relative taking their child away, instead of the party. I used to be nice and rise above things but now I do the same back. I don’t get emotional about it at all. If someone stops buying presents for my children, or leaves my child out of plans then I follow suit. There’s no problem as we’re all doing the same thing. If there is a problem on their end because they don’t like it, then I remind them that they did the same thing. I’m not sure why people think they have to accept bad behaviour from friends to keep them? It is possible to tell them you’re unhappy and still be friends.

Bit rude of them. Massive overreaction from you. It’s just a child’s party. 🤷‍♀️

It’s too much pressure on the guests if you only have 2 guests. I think you’re teaching your children how not to be a well rounded individual if you model this sort of petulant behaviour. Yes, it’s ok to express disappointment but then you need to demonstrate how this is trivial in grand scheme of things and adapt and overcome by coming up with plan B. Invite some neighbourhood kids, don’t be so selective and only invite 2 people if non attendance throws you off like this.

Goodness what an extreme reaction to one child not being able to attend your childs birthday party. Its an invite not a summons and whilst I would agree it wasnt nice of the parents I would have let it go. You chose to book a party after school to accommodate them they didnt ask you to (unless I missed that). I think you should focus on building relationships with people who have kids of similar age so thoae kids are invited instead. My children's cousins (outwith 1 who they are very close to) are not going to be invited to dc3 party nor were they invited to dc2 last year. There not friends and have nothing in common other than a blood link.

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Absolutely devastated? Just be thankful you have a healthy child to celebrate birthdays with! This post is utterly ridiculous- I’m sorry but you’re teaching your children that it’s ok to throw a temper tantrum
and swear and block people if they don’t conform to your plans.

Sounds more like a family tea than a party. How old is the cousin that couldn't come? I expect that's what the Aunt thought just having a few of the family children around for a birthday tea, no big deal.

That’s what I understood too.
Wrong person to get mad with.
I presume it’s OP’s mother.

No one is suggesting you accept bad behaviour from friends. This is just a pre-schooler’s family birthday tea that was supposed to have four children in attendance now having three, because of one of the children’s childcare arrangements making it not possible for them to attend. How or why this is the case is not the OP’s affair, and her massive overreaction suggests other issues, as does the fact that she wouldn’t invite other children from nursery because she ‘doesn’t want strangers in my house’.

My relative was there and I spoke to her about how I was feeling. If it were me, and I saw a family member genuinely hurt by this, I'd have quickly phoned mum and said 'x is upset y is missing z's birthday. Do you want to leave her here and you can drop her off later so so she can do both?'

Why didn't you call yourself to put that suggestion?

How did the party go, @Familygal1 ? Did your child have a nice time? Were they upset by cousin’s absence?

Toys out of pram much!

JFC it was a bit of cake for 4, now 3, kids?!

Firstly, at that age they birthday child will probably bot even remember there was a party even if it was a huve affair. We geld a third birthday party for my son which was a huge joint party, themed with entertainers, fancy dress, hired a hall and bouncy castle.. he does not recall this ever happened.
You ca be a bit annoyed but you are being way over the top.
I suggest you apologise to your family member that you blocked and arrange a nice day out for you all to clear the air.

You do seem very disparaging of her parents - your brother/sister, or in laws? Perhaps they don't feel that close to you either, so didn't want to give up the chance of a few days break (probably rare) for one tea party?

"I'm sorry you feel that way" is a response to someone who has completely over-reacted and will not see basic reason.

It was something I did in the heat of the moment, after feeling unheard by the family member
They didn't need to "hear you"... it literally had nothing to do with them and your anger is completely misplaced. Blocking them is just petulant.

If it were me, and I saw a family member genuinely hurt by this
It wasn't you and tbh being genuinely hurt by this is just ridiculous. You need to toughen up for your kids sake. You are being so horrid to a family member who has done NOTHING wrong. Your issues are your own to deal with.

BUT i cannot help feeling that more should have been done by her, rightly or wrongly.
Wrongly. It literally had nothing to do with her.

You have over reacted. In years to come, when this blows over, it will eventually feel a bit like “oh well, never mind” and there will be plenty of other birthday parties, friends etc to celebrate with.

But in years to come, your relative may find it harder to get over your reaction and unkind words and actions.

No one wants to see their children upset, but I personally think your being unreasonable.

If my sister's kids couldn't come last min as they was going away I wouldn't be pissed. Lil kids party over a break away id be telling them to go have fun. Was you only aware the day of the party? If you knew the day before could have asked a friend or two from school or the local area.
I'm very close with my sister, nieces and nephews. But I wouldn't block anyone for it.

This was my thought too- OP seems to have gone nuclear at the wrong person? Surely down the parent whether or not their kid can go?

I didn't want strangers in my home and didn't invite other children because of this. 🤷‍♀️

This is a more worrying aspect of your post to me, along with the overall neediness.

You’re pressuring family members to become your complete social support rather than looking to increase your friendship group.

Being sad and disappointed is a completely normal reaction to a change of plan but the healthy response would be to accept it had happened and move on.

In your case, you allowed your anger to surface and acted on it. Texting your frustration and then blocking them because they didn’t comply with your demands, is an extreme and uncontrolled reaction. You need to learn to contain your frustration and manage your emotions better. This isn’t a healthy dynamic to foster and model to your children.

Additionally, your children will benefit hugely from play dates with other young children at this age. Do you not go to any playgroups and meet other mums?

Instead of focussing on immediate family to meet your needs, step out of your comfort zone and try inviting other mums to park meet ups etc. in an effort to widen your social circle.

So, I suppose I'm not saying I'm hurt that nice went. Obviously it's great that she could have done that. I'm upset that the relative saw me so upset and, in my opinion, could have prioritised a birthday celebration over something that wasn't essential and easily could have happened later that day to preserve the relationship. It's a feeling of being let down. I know what people are saying: it's not really her place, BUT i cannot help feeling that more should have been done by her, rightly or wrongly.

It isn't her place. It's for you to work out with the parents.

Feeling like she should have done more is quite simply wrong.

You owe her a massive apology for your aggressive manner with her.

I have a family member who when it comes to arranging the young cousin’s getting together, we all feel like we have to walk on eggshells. Who was invited? Who wasn’t? Who was able to come and who wasn't and why. OMG

She gets upset if someone gets invited first. She wants to know every detail who said what and when. She speculates about why, even to the point of questioning martial/partner relationships.

I have often ‘not thought things through’, been a bit last minute, resulting in her calling me and telling me what I should or not have done. We have argued and blocked because of it. It is not nice and now I just listen and agree and walk on those eggshells all because she is “devastated”.

OP, it’s not that deep!