Relative took my niece and missed my child's party

[Familygal1]

Please bear with me as this is long but I don't want to miss details out.

It was my child's birthday and I'd organised a small party after school with them, their sibling and 2 cousins who are also siblings (and who we are very close with) - 4 children in total.

The morning of DC's birthday, I found out from another family member that she's taking one of the cousins away for a few days and that child won't be attending. The plans were last minute arranged very late the night before and purely so parents didn't have to parent.

Side note: I'm also close with this family member as she has my neice/nephew for childcare and we meet up a few times a week with the kids.

So, when I found out she was taking her, I was absolutely devastated. It meant a lot for both cousins to be there to celebrate my child's birthday. They'd agreed to come and I'd made a cake, sorted food etc. because it was such a small gathering, their presence was missed. This family member knew all of this and decided not to mention to parents or try to resolve it.

To be clear, before the relative left with my niece, I expressed my upset and disappointment. She told me she understood etc. and admitted that there was no reason for the niece to be going other than it been a break for parents. Obviously this didn't seem like a valid reason to miss a close family members part to me and I reiterated how upset I was. Family member did nothing.

I told nieces parents that I was upset and they said they hadn't thought it through, it was last minute and apologised. I was still upset but ultimately I accept this. They didn't know how I felt until it was too late.

However, I was still feeling really hurt the next morning and actually, things had progressed to anger. I messaged the relative calmly (at first) to get it off my chest. I told her that she could have said something to the parents, especially after seeing my hurt and upset. I told her I felt like my child wasn't a priority. I honestly feel like she shouldn't have gone, told the parents that it wasn't fair to my child to not have everyone there to celebrate them etc.

She said sorry for not calling but quickly followed this up with excuses and said she was trying to help (obviously not my child or me). She said she didn't think I'd minded (after I explicitly expressed my feelings before she left). Honestly the message felt insincere, dismissive and unapologetic. There was no accountability.

I was fuming after that and message back saying it was 'bull💩' she didn't know as I told her and she saw me.
I told her she let me and my child down.

I know this is harsh but it's also true.

Her response was dismissive again: 'im
sorry you feel that way'.

I blocked her after that message as I realised she either didn't actually care how hurt I was or couldn't accept any accountability and I wasn't going to get an apology or the validation of my feelings I needed.

I'm sure this is a bit U. But am a unreasonable expecting her to put my child first given it was his birthday, the birthday plans were made and their new plans were VERY last minute and could have been easily cancelled? Like I said I was close to her so for her to see how upset I was and not act isn't something I feel I can easily forgive. AIBU?

You didn't activate the poll but YABU.

I can sort of see your point Op but your anger is hugely misplaced. It should have been at your sister/SiL who allowed the random relative to take your niece after agreeing to the party, NOT the relative. Its also clear sister/SiL didn't tell you as you heard through another relative.
I'm not quite sure why you want such a close relationship with family who allow children to watch stuff unsupervised but you need to let this go.

i cannot help feeling that more should have been done by her, rightly or wrongly

It’s "wrongly". You sound both childish and controlling: "Why doesn’t everyone else see things the way I see them! I know I’m right and you’re wrong! Agree with me and do what I want or I’ll hold it against you for evermore!"

It's really not a big deal (except you’re making it into one). It wasn’t really a "party", just a get-together of a few children, who get together frequently anyway.

Does the relative who was minding her live close enough to come back, did you offer them to stay in your's until the party? I think that they should have placed importance on attending the party, especially as the toddlers older sibling was there. It's nice for children to have memories of cousins etc growing up. It's something I feel that I missed out on because I was a late baby. Your child has been let down, which hurts. I wouldn't cause a rift, say your piece again if you feel that you need to. No blocking etc.

Also @Familygal1 Am I right in thinking that the "relative" and the younger cousin were actually at your house that morning... just didn't stay for the cake? So your child actually did see their cousin

God, I hate these “You sound unhinged” responses. It’s become a MN cliché.

"or the validation of my feelings I needed."

Its crap, but you hugely overreacted and al this needing feelings "validated" nowadays is just really wet IMO

Yes, as your relative said they were bringing their children to your child's party, then that's exactly what should have happened. Yes, you have every right to feel disappointed by your relatives behaviour.

As your child is a toddler/pre-schooler, how much do they understand about birthday parties? At 2-3 years old, my son wouldn't have particularly understood the concept. At 4-5 years old, yes he would have understood. In this situation, you play the cousin being missing down to your child, you don't make it a big deal. If your child sees you upset over it, the likelihood your child will be too.

Blocking your relative is over-the-top. How are you going to manage once your child invites children from school to their parties? Sometimes, a parent will confirm their child is attending, and they don't turn up on the day. It's rude, it's annoying but are you going to block parents who do this too?

I wouldn't confirm my child is attending a party, and just not turn up. Unless my child was ill, then he would have to go, because I'd confirmed. Unfortunately, not everyone thinks in the same way, and it can be a case of a parent getting a 'better offer' and deciding to go with that instead.

I had a similar situation to this some years ago, except I was part of the family not quite able to attend the birthday party of a two year niece in the exact way my sister in law wished (for much more serious reasons - a parent in hospital following a serious cancer op). In this case it was my husband, her brother unable to come, but I made changes to my plans to attend with our children, in recognition of the importance of her two year olds birthday. She threw a huge hissy fit - much like the OP is doing - cancelled her own child's party, disappointed my children and made me feel like I wasn't wanted or part of the family (having known them for 15 years by then). I was deeply hurt, our relationship has never recovered, and my opinion of her will forever be low. Don't do it OP. Other people's family logistics and the choices they make for their children are none of your business. Your child will have other birthdays. And the cousins will have other birthdays that your children will not always be able to attend, for perfectly valid reasons.

I agree, it's so overused, it's very irritating.

Seriously if that's all you've got to worry about???

Either this or OP has way too much time on her hand.

Ok thanks everyone. I've hard you all. Spoke to relative this morning and we've agreed to move on.

Well done OP

Brilliant OP! Good family relationships come from give and take on both sides, which sometimes is difficult.

Definitely over reacting - the child not going to the birthday is on their parents, not the other relative who you seem to be taking all this out on, it was the parents who said the child would attend

Well done, OP. You were clearly hurt by their actions and that isn't nice when your family don't value things the same way you do. Even if other people think it's an overreaction we all have things that are important to us.

Tbh I think you probably know that they have different attitudes to parenting so it's probably not going to be the last time that something like this is going to happen. I think you just have to readjust your expectations when it comes to them.

I really don't think it is fair in this case. Turning down a simultaneous event sure but stopping a trip of a few days and one where the parents get a break is very understandable. Especially for a nursery age birthday party. I don't think thats equivalent at all.

You sound like a very anxious person. Your children are going to have to expand their world eventually and that normally includes having the odd parent in your house. Sometimes they may even get dropped off or picked up by an aunt or grandparents. This shouldn't be a big deal. If you shut the rest of the world out it's going to be very isolating for you and your children especially as the cousins find their own friends.

Exactly. I'm baffled at all the other people agreeing that this was rude. Cancelling to go to another party yip bad form, Cancelling for a holiday is very understandable

Did you mean to reply to me?

Yes. I don't agree that it is shitty behaviour

I think you need to look at the bigger overall picture. Try to forgive and lower your expectations.

I think it's pretty shitty when someone's already said yes to going somewhere and then backtracks yes. Which is what OP said happened.

But obviously some people are ok with that!

Well it’s obviously rude and mean to cancel on a small party.
but you are overreacting.
However an non apology of im sorry you feel like that would infuriate me. As its making you irrational to be annoyed at all at someone messing you about. However i dont think they would realise you would be sooo angry.

However my family are similar in that they are a little selfish so we have to always work around them. So its likely in your case you feel more peeved that noones considering upsetting your kid