Relative took my niece and missed my child's party

[Familygal1]

Please bear with me as this is long but I don't want to miss details out.

It was my child's birthday and I'd organised a small party after school with them, their sibling and 2 cousins who are also siblings (and who we are very close with) - 4 children in total.

The morning of DC's birthday, I found out from another family member that she's taking one of the cousins away for a few days and that child won't be attending. The plans were last minute arranged very late the night before and purely so parents didn't have to parent.

Side note: I'm also close with this family member as she has my neice/nephew for childcare and we meet up a few times a week with the kids.

So, when I found out she was taking her, I was absolutely devastated. It meant a lot for both cousins to be there to celebrate my child's birthday. They'd agreed to come and I'd made a cake, sorted food etc. because it was such a small gathering, their presence was missed. This family member knew all of this and decided not to mention to parents or try to resolve it.

To be clear, before the relative left with my niece, I expressed my upset and disappointment. She told me she understood etc. and admitted that there was no reason for the niece to be going other than it been a break for parents. Obviously this didn't seem like a valid reason to miss a close family members part to me and I reiterated how upset I was. Family member did nothing.

I told nieces parents that I was upset and they said they hadn't thought it through, it was last minute and apologised. I was still upset but ultimately I accept this. They didn't know how I felt until it was too late.

However, I was still feeling really hurt the next morning and actually, things had progressed to anger. I messaged the relative calmly (at first) to get it off my chest. I told her that she could have said something to the parents, especially after seeing my hurt and upset. I told her I felt like my child wasn't a priority. I honestly feel like she shouldn't have gone, told the parents that it wasn't fair to my child to not have everyone there to celebrate them etc.

She said sorry for not calling but quickly followed this up with excuses and said she was trying to help (obviously not my child or me). She said she didn't think I'd minded (after I explicitly expressed my feelings before she left). Honestly the message felt insincere, dismissive and unapologetic. There was no accountability.

I was fuming after that and message back saying it was 'bull💩' she didn't know as I told her and she saw me.
I told her she let me and my child down.

I know this is harsh but it's also true.

Her response was dismissive again: 'im
sorry you feel that way'.

I blocked her after that message as I realised she either didn't actually care how hurt I was or couldn't accept any accountability and I wasn't going to get an apology or the validation of my feelings I needed.

I'm sure this is a bit U. But am a unreasonable expecting her to put my child first given it was his birthday, the birthday plans were made and their new plans were VERY last minute and could have been easily cancelled? Like I said I was close to her so for her to see how upset I was and not act isn't something I feel I can easily forgive. AIBU?

YABU. Not to feel hurt, most of us would but in the way you've reacted. I know you wanted to celebrate your child's birthday and that's normal but it's important for you, not for other people.
I would be far more angry with the parents than the relative who took the child away. The parents are the one's who said niece would come. They are the one's who said relative could take her away..In the situation you describe I wouldn't block anyone but if I did it would be the parents not the relative.
Everyone seems to have said they know you were pissed off but they can't change the situation. Personally I'd unblock and move on.

I get that you feel justified, but do you just have family to burn?

Because I’ve lost 95% of mine. If one of the 5% I’ve got left hurts my feelings, I’m an adult, I’ll let it cool down a couple days, we’ll talk it out.
Blocking is an incredibly aggressive action.
It says you no longer have a voice, fuck off.
I would never say that to a family member, no matter how upset I was.

Hey, you got your reasons. You were hurt.

But love, we all hurt. If you take your negative emotions out on other women, it’s going to be a loooooooooong ride on Earth for you.

Unblock. Move on. Stop using blocking as a gallon of kerosene on a tiny campfire.

I kind of get it. I am still slightly miffed that my SIL didn’t bother to bring her kids to my eldest 2nd birthday, and he’s 20 now 😅

However, I didn’t say anything (then or since) because I realised it wasn’t a big deal to anyone other than me. Birthday boy still had a good time because I didn’t make a drama out of it, and I understood that for them it was “popping in for cake and to see your cousin” rather than a major event.

Hahahahaha @Stressedoutmummyof3 I didn’t see your post before I posted and we said the same damn thing at the end.

I just wanted to address something a couple of people have mentioned. It may have come across as mean towards nieces parents. I don't think they're shit parents or have any resentment etc. I appologise if it came across like this (I can see why) and that's my bad!

For context though, we parent very differently and have different attitudes towards it; I like routine etc. They take a much more relaxed approach to parenting and let kids go to bed when they want, don't really monitor what they are watching (has been an issue in the past when my child was watching inappropriate content at theirs) and even when they both at home and not working, they still rely on relative to take kids for childcare.

I guess my point with the comment I made was that she didn't need to go at that time, meaning party would be missed. It wasn't an emergency, no one was poorly, the car hadn't broken down, etc. It seemed like a very inconsiderate/ selfish move considering we're close family. I wouldn't dream of taking my kids out somewhere and missing one of my nieces/nephews parties when it was completely unavoidable.

You're angry at the wrong person. Be annoyed at the parents. The 3rd party close relative has nothing to do with it.

The fact you blocked her is a but mental. You need to toughen up for your kids sake.

If you are having a melty over this, the school years and teens will have you turning to drink and drugs.

<gripemoticon>

Massive over reaction and I say this as someone who tends to get a bit offended at times myself.

I think this difference in attitude/parenting goes along with their view of it being a more casual get together with cousins.

To you it was a significant event, your own child's birthday, to them it was another casual see the cousins at their house (who they already see frequently in the week anyway) so it doesn't really matter.

You still haven't really said why no other family were invited? The mysterious relative who whisked the niece off for example?

What you planned was a family tea party, but you didn't invite many family? Why is that? The sort of 'party' you hosted usually involves relatives dropping in having cake and playing with the kids.
I think to have a kids party then you needed more children/more of an event. Even if only inviting cousins then a trip out would have been seen as different e.g. you are invited to soft play/trampoline park after school on Friday for Fred's 4th birthday. Food provided after.

I also think you massively over reacted and trying to justify yourself by saying you are such a better parent than they are isn'thelping. You really need to relax a bit. You are coming across as the difficult person in this whole scenario.

My understanding would be ... A relative who mind children a few days a week is going away, she tells parents I won't be around two days next week ( she may even think little impact as you will have them one of those days) they say will you take Child with you ?
Very possible she finds it hard to say no, knowing she leaving them without childcare.
Also parents option is two days without childcare or a child missing a party afternoon. So they opt for v missing the party.
None of these decisions are made to cause issue with you or your child just based on their own family/house hold.
A loose loose for the minder, she has now got in your bag books and ended up having a small child with her on break away

I don’t say this to be a dick but to gently try and give you perspective. There are real, genuine problems in the world. You most likely already have and will go on to face real and genuine problems. This truly isn’t one of them. Protect your peace. Shake this off. Be happy. It’s not a big deal, truly.

I also read the comments and I know I shouldn't have blocked. It was something I did in the heat of the moment, after feeling unheard by the family member. I entirely appreciate what you're all saying though, she was in the middle.

However, I do see it slightly differently. The parents either genuinely forgot or really didn't think I'd mind and have apologised after they knew, by which point family member had already left.

My relative was there and I spoke to her about how I was feeling. If it were me, and I saw a family member genuinely hurt by this, I'd have quickly phoned mum and said 'x is upset y is missing z's birthday. Do you want to leave her here and you can drop her off later so so she can do both?'

So, I suppose I'm not saying I'm hurt that nice went. Obviously it's great that she could have done that. I'm upset that the relative saw me so upset and, in my opinion, could have prioritised a birthday celebration over something that wasn't essential and easily could have happened later that day to preserve the relationship. It's a feeling of being let down. I know what people are saying: it's not really her place, BUT i cannot help feeling that more should have been done by her, rightly or wrongly.

Family member couldn't attend as she was away. Other family members close enough to drive after work and attend on a weekday evening.

Nursery is odd where my child goes and have stuck to drop offs that they started in covid. As a result, parents don't go inside building and don't really meet eachother. I don't know the other parents in my child's nursery class and therefore a last minute addition of another child wasn't as option. I didn't want strangers in my home and didn't invite other children because of this. 🤷‍♀️

I get this. But one parent is at home and not working so, on this occasion, the family didn't need to rely on the childcare.

How did family member collect the niece?
I still think your error was seeing this as a party and making a bigger thing of it.

Did the other relatives who could come after work attend? As it's only now when questioned this has been mentioned.

She bought niece to my house in morning and let me know then.

I missed out 'aren't' - they are too far and are NOT able to attend after work.

It's a kids party that by next year will be eclipsed by next year's party.

You've got quite upset by something that's really not that much of a big deal.
Are you ok? Is there something else going on to cause you stress?

I learned that the best way to resolve these thing is simply to do the same thing back. When it’s her child’s birthday, don’t go. She will learn how it feels when her child’s asking where her cousin is.

And this is why so many Mners have no friends.

As well as being insanely petty, this isn’t going to have the slightest impact. The person taking the child away, who has excited the OP’s fury, is not the child’s parent, and we have no idea if she has any children of her own, far less any who would be sad to miss a preschooler’s birthday tea.

Parents accepted the invitation, then allowed neice to go away with relatives. They are the only ones you should be annoyed with. It isnt up to relative to recind offer to take neice away so she goes to party.

Really unfair to be taking your frustration out on relative.

At that age your dc would care more about cake and gifts than who is there or not there. So the only one being devastated is you @Familygal1 . I would def have been angry about the lack of respect but to block and be devastated is a bit extreme. Just go lc and don't ever count on her again- she's selfish and lazy.

Let it go...

I wonder if there’s more background to this, as in maybe you have felt that this relative dismisses your feelings or doesn’t prioritise your kids in the past?

I mean I agree completely that they all behaved badly, but your reaction to it is so strong that maybe it’s not just this one incident.

My parents didn’t come to my 3 year old’s family birthday celebration many years ago, because they prioritised doing something non-urgent for my sister instead - and on the one hand hey, not a big deal, their choice. But on the other hand and after a lifetime of them prioritising my sister over me, that was very much the last straw and while I haven’t had a strop or blocked them the relationship has never fully recovered.

So that made me wonder how the relationship was before this issue?

😱 yabu! This is someone you are close too and youve sworn at them.and blocked them?!

Is it annoying that they didn't come? Yes. Yanbu to have said you were disappointed but your reaction is completely disproportionate and OTT.

And imo taking the kids to someone else so they can have a break is ok, close or not you never fully know whats going on in someone's life and why they might need a break.

Get a grip,if you fall out with everyone over minor issues like this you'll be very lonely by the time your kids are grown