To feel done with life?

[Destinyisall01]

By that, I don’t mean I’m suicidal.

I mean I don’t see the point in any more life for me but I don’t want to hurt myself.

I’m no more depressed than I have been previously. Had counselling and medication. Don’t feel I need more.

I’ve done all the things humans are meant to do. I’ve had highs and lows, felt all the emotions. Had children.

I don’t see the rest of my life as a book to be written. I’m not excited. There’s nothing I want to do that is achievable for me. I don’t feel I have anything to live for that isn’t me sticking around for someone else. I don’t actually want to participate in life. I don’t want to go outside or see people.

It’s not a conclusion I’ve reached under dramatic circumstances. It’s more a realisation that I’m coming to the end of a book and I don’t care what happens to the characters after it finishes.

Does anyone relate?

I've burnt myself out multi tasking so my family could have it all. It's left me a bit empty.

I constantly do the whole gratitude for- the car, the money, the shopping, the nice shopping bag and do appreciate it but it leaves me a bit empty.

My partner can't cope with emotions, so I think suppressing my anger and my euphoria has robbed me of a spark for life.

Occasionally something genuinely amazing happens - the breeze when it's raining. I try not to poke or over analyse this too much in case it ruins the memory and purity of the moment. But I do note it, and think back on it.

I feel exactly the same. I don’t want to be here, and I only am because of my son. That’s all I can say really, I don’t want to be here and I’m angry (not at my son, at the world) that I’m forced to live a life that’s so shit.

Everything is about perspective

Many people will have a setup like yours - a similar house, similar income, similar aged kids, similar job but their perspective on life is the difference

I don’t have any major hobbies etc but I do feel happy seeing my kids and husband do things that bring them joy

I’m learning a lot from this thread.

I was familiar with the word anhedonia, but I didn’t realise it was part of PTSD. I thought mine was to do with my antidepressant medication, or with perimenopause, but I never actually realised it could be a symptom of my PTSD. Mine actually started after a horrendous experience I went through with severe bullying a few years ago. I’m still in therapy, but I think I might need EMDR or something that’s more tailored to my trauma.

Hmmm. This is interesting.

This is hugely limiting belief.

I’ll be on Sertraline for as long as they let me have it. It’s allowed me to go out and explore. My favourite thing now is getting on trains and travelling to somewhere new. I even love using the tube which used to be scary for me.

I used to be scared of the outside too, it felt spiky and like everyone was observing me.

I barely think about being “medicated”, my alarm goes off, I take it and don’t think about it at all until the next alarm.

I would be astonished if anyone prescribed that for a patient who is functioning normally. I'm not sure I would want either of those though? That seems incredibly drastic. And also the mechanism of action doesn't seem right for anhedonia.

Ok, so if that's true, to what extent does this belief go?
Do you believe people could rewire themselves to be or not be autistic from choice? Be or not be gay by choice? What does that mean for how you conceive of people with mental illnesses?

And if there is a given extent of maximum possible change and an extent of neuroplasticity (which I agree with, btw), then it is still completely possibly for there to be things where people are wired a specific way and cannot change those, as well as there being aspects which they can change.

Interested in your thoughts on that, as it has a lot of wider implications...

I hear you OP-I've been there 2/3 times, severely before, since age 37 when my exH left me with two babies. All I can say is around every 5 years or so, my life has taken a turn for the better. I'm now approaching 60, and I can honestly say I'm the happiest I've ever been (resolutely single and vowed to never share my home ever, again). I have made a couple of scary life choices, as in downsizing from my beloved family home, to a smaller (but homely cottage) and village, where I'm submerged in nature and fabulous dog walks, and taking semi retirement which is a slight financial risk, but I don't really care - I have lost a few friend now to cancer and I just want to spend time with my Ddogs, and snuggling in my bed, chilling or readinf / switching off, when I need to, whilst I am healthy enough to enjoy what I can. Couldn't do that with exH's and kids around, but wanted to take the plunge while I am 'young' enough and healthy enough to enjoy it. I am also found up done up my campervan and am hoping to get abroad to France for a couple of months next year-alone. I have discovered so love travelling alone 😁After years of emotional abuse by two exH's, now my kids are settled and happy in their own homes, I'm going for it and doing every single thing, I always wanted to do. It's so liberating. Occasionally I have a glass of wine at lunch and a 'party for one'. Every night I have a treat or nibbles-don't cook dinner. I'm free from stress and my mind is so peaceful. Sertraline did help me at times. Without that at my worst, I don't know whether I'd still be here. Don't stop trying to touch base with your gut instincts and passions from when you were a child, even. Something will click and being back enlightenment, and maybe then, some joy. Animals and helping them is my go-to - I adore them and rescue every now and then. May get some more chickens - we'll see. Good luck, OP X

You make a good point and I hadn’t thought of it that way.

But I suppose I’m more saying that if OP felt more/better in childhood / before her bereavement then her brain wasn’t formed that way and can be changed back again. However you’re right I didn’t think of it in a neurodivergence kind of way. Though I think even within autism there is neuroplasticity and ND people can alter their ability to cope/process things somewhat with the right support and training their brain etc/ exposure… not to the eradication of their ND though.

OP i am so sorry you feel this way.
I partly understanding as I have had some quite severe bouts of depression over my lifetime..however it has not been consistent as your seems to have been. It am awful feeling and indont know what else to say.apsrt from you are valued and I hope you find some joy and peace in life x

Yes, broadly I agree.

There's a body of thought which says that trauma is a large factor in ADHD (not autism, as far as I've read), so would potentially be "reversible". Also that trauma can (& does) make permanent changes in the brain, so it's not necessarily as simple as "it wasn't that way originally, it could be changed back again".

I mean, I do agree that coping/processing strategies can go a long way to remedying issues of this sort. But I don't think it necessarily fully reverses trauma based-changes, and even the extent to which they can be reversed is debatable... And, I feel, quite based on how much a given person believes in themselves that it is possible, and how much they want to work on that reframing.

Do think it's an interesting topic.

I do understand this but

You made some people exist so you've got an absolute duty more profound than any manmade law to find a way to justify that decision

There is a way through

No, clinical depression is the difference. In much the same way you can't cure psoriasis by positive thinking.

I was thinking similarly this the other day, that is what is the point to this. All the stress we go through and admittedly put ourselves through for what.

It just feels like I'm waiting for DC to grow up, become independent and then what. I don't have a partner.

I think it's normal to feel like this from time to time and question things, I know probably tomorrow I'll have a completely different outlook but if I was feeling like this all the time, I would get some advice.

How old are your children?

Anti depressants cause depression.

This is my normal state of mind with very fleeting periods of feeling optimistic maybe once a month, if that. It’s been the same for most of my life, since mid teens ish. There is no help available and anti depressants make me feel like shit anyway so I don’t take them.

I’ve felt for a while that if my time was to come now, I’d be ready, but I’m not brave enough to do it myself! I’m a similar age to you. It is depression but I don’t think people understand it even now. If you try to talk to someone, they speak to you as if you’re stupid or weird for having the thoughts! It’s horrible.

I have one dependent child and yes I do feel like I’m hanging on for the next few years until he’s not. Then nothing.
My life is too limited to allow for the things people seem to look forward to in the future. I’m actually just looking forward to the point where I can just stay in the house and not have to ever leave because I have to accompany a child. It’s the only reason I leave now.

@EmeraldRoulette years of inadequately treated severe , depression led eventually to behaviour that was not normal.
One description was ' agitated depression'.
But it's far from normal to have the outlook on life that many are describing on this thread
The drugs I mentioned above have been transformational in treating and lifting the depression.

The fact that you're able to do what your child needs even though you feel so awful is really admirable.

You sound very insular. Maybe you should look at the news or at least get out and about in your community a bit more.

I feel exactly the same as you. No advice to give or anything profound to say. I am a living organism, existing for now and will eventually expire. I attach no feeling to that, it’s very factual in my mind. No different to a plant or an ant. That’s it really.

@Destinyisall01 you say you want to lock yourself in and only really go out for your DCs needs. You say “my life is too limited to allow for…”. Has you limiting your life been a symptom of past experience and trauma. You don’t need to go into it, but has it?

I would also say, as this thread has shown, a lot of people feel the same, even if they never say it aloud. It is like a quiet detachment from existence and society.

I exist on deep inner self reflection, consciousness and reflection on the world outside of my personal experience.

Existence is a phenomenon, and we all expect or are expected to engage without that deep contemplation and thought.

If I was not of this mindset I guess I could end up feeling as you do.

To a certain extent, yes, I have limited myself due to past trauma. However a lot of limitations have happened due to my own choices and mistakes. Another lot are down to the actions of others. A lot of lives have been changed irrevocably due to this, my own included. Carrying the weight of all that guilt is exhausting.

@Destinyisall01 lugging around unresolved trauma and guilt is exhausting. Having done this myself, I couldn't agree more. Once again I would say though that this means you are not living in the present. Our past only exists in our own mind. It isn't somewhere we can go back to, although our minds and thoughts often trick us into believing that it is still with us.

There is a massive difference in taking a worldview of quiet detachment and being trapped by unresolved trauma, guilt and your own past.

Every post you've put up suggests to me that you are trapped by what you are carrying from your past and the bleak future you that you are imagining for yourself. You own mind is holding you a prisoner in a joyless, bleak world. I really, really do think you should consider some help to release yourself into existing in the here and now.