To feel done with life?

[Destinyisall01]

By that, I don’t mean I’m suicidal.

I mean I don’t see the point in any more life for me but I don’t want to hurt myself.

I’m no more depressed than I have been previously. Had counselling and medication. Don’t feel I need more.

I’ve done all the things humans are meant to do. I’ve had highs and lows, felt all the emotions. Had children.

I don’t see the rest of my life as a book to be written. I’m not excited. There’s nothing I want to do that is achievable for me. I don’t feel I have anything to live for that isn’t me sticking around for someone else. I don’t actually want to participate in life. I don’t want to go outside or see people.

It’s not a conclusion I’ve reached under dramatic circumstances. It’s more a realisation that I’m coming to the end of a book and I don’t care what happens to the characters after it finishes.

Does anyone relate?

George Sanders was the first person I thought of.

Depression lies to you - it tells you that life is pointless, there’s no joy in anything. But that’s not a normal state of mind. Once you can see that it’s the disease making you feel like this, not ‘you’ making you feel like this then it may give you the motivation and hope to seek further treatment. What have you got to lose by seeking further treatment if you already feel like you don’t want to be here? May as well give it a shot. When I was depressed I did loads of research into psylicibin (probably spelling that wrong) therapy - which is basically taking manic mushrooms in a controlled environment. There’s loads of positive research to suggest it may work much, much better than antidepressants for some people. I don’t think it’s fully approved yet but there are lots of medical trials you might be eligible for. I was on the verge of joining one when I started to get better. Thankfully I no longer need it but I definitely would have joined a trial if I didn’t get better

Magic mushrooms, not manic mushrooms!

All the reasons are probably to difficult to explain over the internet, but I’ve had treatment before. I tried and I wanted to be better.

Now I don’t. Because even being medicated wouldn’t actually change the reasons why I don’t see the point in continuing with life. Those reasons are born of genuine loss and sadness and are unable to be fixed. I won’t get over them, they can’t be healed. I don’t want to try. I don’t want to continue.

This is 100% depression and I totally get it. I've been there. It feels like there's no point, no joy, no nothing.

You need to seek help. Not just "here's some meds, have at it". Proper help.

Also, the extra low mood could be related to perimenopause. You're on the young side but not unheard of for this age, and if you're undergoing hormonal changes then depression can be exacerbated by that.

Please seek help. For your children if not yourself.

Definitely not my hormones, they were checked recently.

I feel like you op. People are desperate to medicalise it but actually, sometimes life is so tiring for so long that you don’t want to do it anymore. Nobody asks to be born, not everyone is happy with it.

I think I understand where you're coming from @Destinyisall01 and it's not necessarily the case that you're depressed. The relentlessness of my life exhausts me and I often wish I could be done with life, in a way. I'm permanently exhausted and overwhelmed with everything I need to do. Both everyday stuff and long term stuff. I am not suicidal though. I have people and animals in my life - especially DD - who I would not EVER leave by choice. She needs me (so does DH), and I feel that by choosing to bring DD into this crappy world I have a responsibility to love her and care for her for as long as she wants/needs me to.

I don't want pills, I'm already doing lots of extra exercise (walking - because I'm supporting my disabled DD with her new assistance dog), I find moments of joy in life still and I have a purpose. I really believe it's not depression. But it is probably (autistic) burnout, and the only way out of that is to have less on my plate. Which isn't an option for me at this point in my life. So I carry on. But if the whole world just ended overnight and I didn't have to bother with 'doing' tomorrow, I really wouldn't mind!

I hear you. It’s hard to see where the joy and excitement can come from when everything is so difficult.

I have felt like you do OP and spent many many years (decades!) passively suicidal and utterly uninterested in the future. For many of those years I was untreated because I thought my feelings were a rational response to life events and therefore feeling like this was just my personality. Turns out that wasn't true and life on the other side is, even allowing for standard ups and downs, wonderful.

I agree with PPs that you posting about this is a good sign and would strongly encourage you to seek further treatment.

It is so hard to see it when you're in the thick of it, but it is medical. If a living being loses its survival instinct to the extent that it isn't bothered about living or dying then that's a medical issue - something has become disconnected somewhere. It is not a normal functioning state.

The problem is that one of the side effects of this illness is that it totally convinces you that it is not an illness and that nothing can change. It's one of the reasons it's such a highly fatal illness - unlike other illnesses, one of the symptoms is a resistance to treatment.

Treatment is generally very hit and miss so to recover you need to really push and push for a long time. Unfortunately the illness also drains you so much of motivation and resolve that it is very very hard to do that pushing - you get so tired and worn out that you just can't do it any more.

It is such a hard place to be. I've been there. I still slip back into it now and again but I have got to a place where I can recognise when that thinking is starting and I can combat it (with a lot of effort). It is possible to get to a better place but it is not at all easy.

I have spent years like this ,and being told I was depressed.
Then I got diagnosed with autism and ADHD ,and put on stimulant medications
Slowly I'm coming to life again ..a few niggles on the way ..but the world has colour in it again,and I feel peaceful.
Have a look at autism and ADHD .. doctors still don't really spot it in women and tend to just think we are depressed

Life is forced upon us, we don’t choose it. I think if I had had a choice about being born I would have chosen not to have been.

I feel similarly to you. To me it feels like a hamster wheel to nowhere.

Sounds like you're at a 'dissociation' stage from your depression OP. Sadly you're the one who has to get up and get some help. So sorry you feel this way and I feel perhaps your docs are not helping you enough if already under their care.

I’ve been feeling like this recently, maybe because I’ve had a lot of health problems and I’m so tired with it all. I’m also on an SSRI and I wonder if I have emotional numbing from it. That might be the case with you too, as you say you’re on medication? The antidepressants pull us out of the deep lows, but I do think they’ve given me a sense of flatness over time. Unless it’s just coincidence, or perimenopause in my case.

@Blueswan3 was it a GP who diagnosed and treated you for ADHD? I can see I probably have this

It is really hard to have your hormones checked as the fluxuate so much. If you think it could be in anyway tied to your periods I would track mood. I have recently been diagnosed with PMDD and it makes so much sense for me.

I am really sorry to hear how you are feeling though it sounds truly awful.

It will sound silly but do you tell yourself what you are grateful for? It doesn't have to be much. But daily tell yourself the small things you are grateful for - 'today I was able to feed my child'

I had my first baby at 39. Can you take some exercise and get those endorphins going?

Yeah, I know that feeling. Personally, I’ve eventually been able to conclude it’s a combination of autistic burnout and perimenopause. I started feeling it around 37, I’m now 42. HRT has lifted me enough to keep bothering to get out of bed!

Oh my gosh, my friend said something similar to me today, thinks it’s all work for nothing and no point to life. I was so sad for her and I really wanted to offer some words of wisdom but saying, “hey I don feel like that as every day is an adventure
for me” is hardly helpful so I guess I can at least tell
her (and you) she’s not alone in feeling this, if that helps. Wish I could help tho

Yes ..I actually went to my doctor because I thought had bipolar..but he didn't think so and asked me questions about family members and then suggested I get tested for ADHD and autism..I wasn't particularly happy about that ,as I was sure it was bipolar..he said if my assessments came back negative I could be seen for bipolar ..took a long time on NHS ..3 years wait for autism assessment and 4 years wait ADHD ..but I didn't want to do right to choose..so that was why so long.
My history is 35 years of trying every single antidepressant possible and nothing making a difference..so by the time he suggested autism and ADHD there was literally nothing left for me to try

How old are your children OP?
As you are only 38 I imagine they are still dependent on you?

Life can be mundane and stressful and a mountain of miserable and distressing memories makes it harder.

You don’t want to hurt yourself. That’s a positive.

I look for the pleasure in small things - a little seedling that I recognise a second before I pull it out of the garden as a weed will give me a sense of contentment that lasts half an hour

Yes i relate. I’ve had depression all my life (I'm 47) but I'm not sure it's even depression now, it's more feeling that I'm done. In my case life has been very hard and I have health problems, probably autism as well, and I have felt for a while that I wouldn't be bothered if I was diagnosed with something terminal. It's an awful thing to say when many people would give anything for a life, but it's been such a struggle and there's nothing more I really want. I like traveling and cooking but both are hard now, so it all feels a bit pointless.

Solidarity op.

It makes me feel desperately sad to hear the women on this thread who feel so defeated by life. Even more so because I feel this way myself. Mid-30's, young children, 'happy' life, yet constant struggles with anxiety and depression. I have had cycles of tests and therapy, but no long-term cure. I love my children desperately but I am exhausted from feeling like I am fighting to stay alive in my head. I am exhausted from doing everything for everyone always and never being taken care of because my parents are dead and I have no friends.

I keep going because I have hope, and honestly because I'm partly motivated by fear or what would happen if I did give in. Please keep going, OP. There is so much to live for.

P.s - Jameela Jamil just wrote a great substack about mental breakdowns - free to read - worth a read.