To feel done with life?

[Destinyisall01]

By that, I don’t mean I’m suicidal.

I mean I don’t see the point in any more life for me but I don’t want to hurt myself.

I’m no more depressed than I have been previously. Had counselling and medication. Don’t feel I need more.

I’ve done all the things humans are meant to do. I’ve had highs and lows, felt all the emotions. Had children.

I don’t see the rest of my life as a book to be written. I’m not excited. There’s nothing I want to do that is achievable for me. I don’t feel I have anything to live for that isn’t me sticking around for someone else. I don’t actually want to participate in life. I don’t want to go outside or see people.

It’s not a conclusion I’ve reached under dramatic circumstances. It’s more a realisation that I’m coming to the end of a book and I don’t care what happens to the characters after it finishes.

Does anyone relate?

How old are you?

How old are you ?

Almost 38.

I know I have likely another 38 years to live but I actually don’t want to. I see nothing I want to stick around for.

I kind if know how you feel op!

There’s always something more to be done, something lovely to experience, a way to find contentment. Having been with people who were scrambling to live over the years I don’t think we realise about the little things until we can’t experience them. I hope things get easier op x

You say you have children. Don’t you want to be around for them?

It’s not a ‘look at the state of the world’ thing either.

I don’t read or watch the news so I don’t really know or care about what’s happening around me.

Not particularly. It’s certainly not enough to change my feelings.

That is depression have you been on mood stabilizers. you have barely been through life. has something horrible happened. and if you have kids at 38 unless you had them very young they most still be young

I know you probably won't believe it, but this is depression. The horrible thing about it is that it convinces you that you'll never feel any different. It's such a difficult place to be.

If you're not planning to hurt yourself, then all you need to do is keep going through the motions. One day you will suddenly find something that brings a spark of life and excitement back. It's a hard road until then though.

It might be worth having a blood test just to check there isn't anything else going on physically that is making things even harder.

It’s not depression. Well, no more than I’ve had previously. I was diagnosed at 14. Medication for years, counselling for years. No change.

It’s just a weariness now.

I agree it’s worth getting a blood test to check you aren’t hypothyroid or anything else that could be exacerbating.

Call it weariness then, but it is an exacerbation of the depression - you're exhausted by it.

The fact that you posted is very positive. It would be far worse if you kept it to yourself.

Is there anyone in real life you can talk to?

Had blood tests. Been treated for the anaemia it showed. No change.

It’s been nearly 25 years. It’s not going to change. And I’m ok with that.

I’m not saying I wish I didn’t feel this way. That I wish I could be better. I actually don’t care at all.

I dont want be seen in any way an advocate for suicide because the horrendous effects it has on other people, imo, makes it a selfish acts.

However the sucide note of George Saunders, the actor, has always stayed in my mind
"Dear World, I am leaving because I am bored. I feel I have lived long enough. I am leaving you with your worries in this sweet cesspool. Good luck."
I could never understand how boredom could be a reason for leaving this life.

Unfortunately in recent times i understand where he was coming from.
I'm making a great effort to enjoy the pleasure I still get from a diminishing number of things. I think that's the best way OP. Concentrate on what gives you pleasure and try to ignore the negativity of life

This is it. The world holds no joy for me. All I see is nothingness ahead. I do feel I’ve lived enough, there’s no where I want to go, nothing I want to achieve. I have no plans. I don’t see an excitement in having no plans and being able to choose a path. Because really there’s no choice at all. I’m too limited.

Some part of you cares, as it prompted you to post. There is some part of you that decided to talk about this. That is a genuinely positive thing.

Is the anaemia resolved? I'm anaemic due to heavy periods. I don't get light headed, or breathless or any physical symptoms at all, despite having basically no ferritin and a terrible blood count - I just get a supremely 'meh' feeling and can't put two thoughts together. It's awful.

Have you tried in patient treatment as I sounds severe and you don't seem to realize it can get better with the right treatment and support. You need to break the funk. If you have felt like this since 14 hormones probably play a part an but this is your normal but doesnt need to be. Do you want to get better

I fully get this - I am only holding on because my now adult children lost their father who caused them more heartache alive but it has damaged them.

I can't bear the thought of causing them more pain. But Im done totally done. On the outside I have a good job, partner etc. I not depressed just ready to call it quits - Im mid 50's now but have felt this for last 20 or so years.

I would love to bail out

Purpose isn’t automatic like it used to be when we were cave people - back then we had a biological purpose to reproduce, find food and shelter every day to keep us alive, plus we died much younger. These days we have to create our own purpose. I can relate to what you say, I often ponder about what the point of it all is. But the reality is there is no point to it. We have to create it for ourselves. For many that involves having children and nurturing them to grow into happy, healthy adults, it might be having a career that helps people have an easier, happier time on this planet, or it might be smaller projects that give you a sense of accomplishment and the drive to keep going - like learning how to successfully grow vegetables or creating a beautiful wild flower garden or something. I think people need constant goals to work towards, otherwise it can start to feel pointless. A mixture of big and small goals. For example a small goals might be learning how to make a delicious beef wellington or similar tricky dish. A big goal might be achieving true contentment. If you’re single that might involve looking for someone you fall in love with and want to spend the rest of your life with. Love brings huge purpose to life. It might be having an adventure and travelling round the world. If we break it down into a smaller, achievable set of ongoing goals I think that gives purpose to your life. Also, being busy, filling your life with a purposeful career, caring for kids, laughing with friends and family, planning exciting holidays, means your life is too full to have the time to think about the point of it all and just enjoy the ride. Damn. I should be a therapist 🤣

But that said, if this feeling is constant and it prevents you from achieving the goals you need to in order to give your life purpose then that’s depression. It’s an illness, not a state of mind and you need to get help for it. I’ve been there myself and know just how horrible it can be and just how pointless everything feels, but you can come out the other side. Many people have and have learnt to enjoy life again

I have felt like this @Destinyisall01 . The existential pointlessness of it all. I've also dipped in and out of depression for a long time.

I won't kill myself because I have two children and I couldn't bear to upset them or leave them (even though they are adults now), so I see myself as being stuck on earth. Therefore, I mostly try to make the best of it. When I am not depressed, I have found things that keep me occupied and I find enjoyable. I also have to work to keep the roof above my head and food on the table and that helps fills the hours.

I also try to be more "dog". Dogs don't overthink, they just are. I try to apply that as much as I can and be in the moment. The now is all that exists and if I can enjoy the now, then that will do. So, don't look ahead @Destinyisall01 . Ahead doesn't exist - it is all in your imagination. Is there any small pleasure you can get in the now? The taste of a coffee, seeing a bird in the garden, watching the clouds move across the sky, stretching out your muscles etc. Sounds banal, but there is much peace and quiet comfort to be had in the small things of the moment.

Much virtual good wishes to you. It is a horrible feeling.

You’re a bit young to feel like this!

I do get it though and I’m sure lots of people feel the same way as you. My colleague (50) was diagnosed as having ‘anhedonia’ by her GP. She’s not depressed, just flat and a bit bored of it all.

When in the grip of depression - which you undoubtedly are,even though you wish understandably to reject that - this is how people think - exactly as you are describing.

I hope that you will try to seek help with this as there are ways forward - I know you have not found it yet - but there are.

For you it is a way of life as it has been present since you were 14. Under that circumstance it is very hard indeed for you to imagine that life can be led in any other way - it is the norm for you. But it is not normal.

Given that you feel that "hurting" yourself is not the right option, what have you to lose by seeking further treatment?

I lived with a man who felt as you do and there were ways through, even though the illness itself tells you otherwise.

I think a lot about a woman I cared for once when I did that work. She was only in her 50’s, bed bound by choice so her muscles had atrophied. Refused to even transfer and use a commode so just went in the bed which we then cleaned. Her blinds were constantly shut. She hated everything and everyone

She did eventually become ill enough to require a hospital stay. And I was later told by my boss that she apparently looked at the doctor and said ‘I’ve had enough, I’m going now.’ And promptly died. Her heart gave out.

And I think a lot about how bad it has to get before I get the control to do the same.