To expect people to be upfront with any ‘kinks’

[Laurennnworld]

This has happened twice now in recent relationships - the men I am with waiting many months to reveal ‘kinks’.

Now, I am not saying this should be revealed upfront on date 1, obviously not. But with my ex, he told me after 5 months. My current boyfriend, we are nearly 8 months in. He met my parents yesterday, we had a lovely afternoon with them and came back to mine to watch Eurovision. He then revealed something which he says he’d struggle to go without longer term. No judgement, but not really my thing. I could indulge it occasionally of course. But I wish he told me a few months ago when it would have been easier to cut things off.

Has anyone else experienced this? I am now in a conundrum.

How open minded are you?

It's not matter of being open-minded, it's a matter of what you like and dislike doing.

No-one should be coerced into doing things they dislike as a condition of continuing a relationship - or for fear of being labeled "closed-minded".

You're not married and it doesn't sound like you're living together, so it's just as easy to cut things off now, if you choose to do so.

I don't think there's a right or wrong here. Go too early and accusations of being a creep will fly. Go too late and the accusations will be of trapping.

If you're not suited to each other there's nothing wrong with wishing each other well and parting ways.

Eight months in seems acceptable to me? You say you don't expect them to be upfront on the first date but not what timeframe you actually want? There isn't a set timeframe for disclosing what you're into sexually. You obviously need to build up trust to disclose it from their point of view as well - they're making themselves more vulnerable to rejection than you.

I don’t know tbh - everyone has a line surely? I’m all for trying to make things interesting, but feel what was suggested with both these men was beyond that. I’m sure it wouldn’t be for some people, they said that they had exes who had no issue with it.

I never understand the comment 'other people have no issue with it'. Guess what, I hate bananas, lots of people like them. I don't like the smell of the them, the taste or them or the texture of them - people are all different aren't we?

It's only been eight months and if he 'can't go without it' then I think he needs to go without you and just bring it to a close. Now.

I hate the language he's used that you have quoted, it's really manipulative.

No one is being coerced in this situation so this isn't really relevant.

There's also a lot of activity in between "this actively turns me on" and "not in a million years". Stuff that isn't necessarily your number one fantasy but neither does it turn you off - so you're open-minded enough to give it a go.

I'm sure he knows it would likely put you off, hence get you emotionally invested before revealing it. I mean, it's going to be harder to dump someone you've just introduced to your parents.

I really think people with specific non-negotiable fetishes should stay on fetish-specific dating sites. Statistically they are far more likely to find a good match that way.

I agree this could have been discussed a bit earlier, more like 3-4 months! If you’re not keen I would end it though. It will never change and sounds like a fundamental issue that will threaten the foundation of the relationship

they said that they had exes who had no issue with it.

Bleurgh, I'd bin him off for saying that. Who cares what his exes had no issue with (or did actually have an issue with but agreed to out of fear of being called prudes)? The only thing that matters is if YOU are comfortable with it.

Yes but weird fetishes seems to be becoming more mainstream in the never-ending search for novelty! 😬

Something he can’t live without should he revealed much earlier than 8 months. He knows it’s something that most women won’t want to do clearly so he lures you in until he’s sure you are emotionally invested so are much less likely to bolt. I’d dump him for that reason alone. Also I find men with niche kinks tend to have issues in other areas too

Kinks are never occasional kinks, they are there all the time and end up dominating the whole relationship.

Agree that this is manipulative and a good reason to end it. This man has got your emotions engaged and then tells you? A very bad sign and imo end it. He will have taken this approach potentially precisely because he may enjoy you compromising yourself into something that you would otherwise not do, which is part of the excitement. That’s bad news for a good, loving connection.

8 months in is ridiculous. I’d expect deal breakers (inc sex acts he doesn’t want to live without) to be discussed at around 4 months.

He is using manipulative language however... next step along could well be coercion. When people say 'none of my exes had a problem with it' and 'I can't go without it'... sounds like laying the groundwork for further manipulation...

Yeah I'd say 2-3 months is the right time to reveal this kind of thing, when you're comfortable with each other and have been having sex for a while.

No coincidence that the same evening he’s met your parents, he brings it up. Whatever it is, that would be enough for me. Devious. Sorry you got to eight months and he met your parents 😔

He has to decide whether he wants continue the relationship or chase his kink. Don’t do anything that you don’t feel comfortable doing. I agree that he should have discussed this much earlier in the relationship.
Kinks vary widely, I’d base my feelings off what the kink is.

Yeah the timing is what struck me. We’ve also talked a lot about the future, he knows I want children etc, and time isn’t exactly on my side.

Anyone prioritising some kink above actual relationship isn’t going to be for you anyway

I'd get rid, OP. He's manipulative. He's waited until he knew you really liked him and saw a future with him, then threw this into the mix. He could have told you it before sleeping with you the first time, but chose not to. Every day of those eight months have involved him making a decision not to tell you.

I'm dying to know what it is!

None of that is manipulative. It's putting his cards on the table. OP is free to walk away (and if she's not into this kink then she should).

Very odd timing to ask you on the same evening he had just met your parents…