To expect people to be upfront with any ‘kinks’

[Laurennnworld]

This has happened twice now in recent relationships - the men I am with waiting many months to reveal ‘kinks’.

Now, I am not saying this should be revealed upfront on date 1, obviously not. But with my ex, he told me after 5 months. My current boyfriend, we are nearly 8 months in. He met my parents yesterday, we had a lovely afternoon with them and came back to mine to watch Eurovision. He then revealed something which he says he’d struggle to go without longer term. No judgement, but not really my thing. I could indulge it occasionally of course. But I wish he told me a few months ago when it would have been easier to cut things off.

Has anyone else experienced this? I am now in a conundrum.

For me a sex act that is a deal breaker if you won't do it has to be discussed very shortly after you start having sex, the longer the wait the less acceptable it is.

To offer an alternative view, the kink itself wouldn’t be an issue for me but any ‘I’d struggle to go without’ reference I think is highly manipulative and I’d reconsider the relationship for that alone.

This. What a manipulative bastard.

If he can't live without it, its not a kink. Its a fetish. And fetishes are all consuming.

Agree with previous poster that people with fetishes should stick to fetish specific sites.

I'm so glad I did my dating before online porn exploded and there was this increase in man who had porn wrecked themselves.

As for you OP, I'd take the initiative in any new dating and after a couple of months just be upfront about your experiences with men declaring fetishes down the line and ask your date to tell you know if he had any fetishes or kinks he needs to declare.

Which of course might be true, or might be the reason they are ex.

Difficult to know where the lines are drawn.
Some on here seem to think a bit of oral or their husband masturbating crosses a line.
Eurovision it's fine to say "choke me" which most actual kinksters regard as unsafe. Bondage / SM / leather/latex -- appear in a high proportion of pop videos.
some of these may be things to try, a genuine fetish would assume larger importance than sex itself.

Obviously..that's why they leave it so late to tell you
They know full well you would run a mile at first
So they wait for you to develop feelings and then tell you
Dump and run from this one
Next time ..ask before you sleep together,if they are into anything different and tell them if they disclose something later down the down the line without telling u now ,it's instantly over

I don't think it's about "open mindedness" necessarily as I think it is absolutely fine to judge a kink, just as you might judge any action a person takes. It's part of deciding whether your values align, especially as some kinks are misogynist and/or racist.

This dude's kink isn't, thankfully! Is it really a kink even? If the arse is a pleasurable place for some men, isn't it just liking a particular type of stimulation? Or is the kink element wanting you involved, as opposed to him just wanking with a butt plug?

Like PP said, I think it's the language and the timing which are most concerning here, rather than the desire for pegging.

If you're pegging he can't see your face (usually!).

I find it manipulative when there isn't kink disclosure early on. If it's something he can't live without, it's more than a simple, enjoyable kink and he was trying to get you emotionally invested so you would be more likely to go along rather than break up. To reveal right after he met your parents, what the fuck.

I'd be done.

He’s not going to find a woman willing to peg him on there.

If he thought you would enjoy doing it he would have bought it up much sooner than 8 months in.

Perhaps meeting your parents allowed him to feel "we've taken a step foward in this relationship, she wants to be with me, I can trust her, I can open up about what I would like".

There's no right or wrong answer. Except to keep talking to him about what he can do without, about how far you're prepared to go, about where a compromise can be - if you individually or both feel there can be a relationship with a sexual compromise.

Yeah they like it because its humiliating to be dominated by a woman because women are 'less than'

Other kinks like dressing as a woman share the same root.

So glad I was brought up by a foreign grandmother (my mum's mum). Because of that when I got asked out, I said during the first few dates that I am not dating, I am future husband interviewing. On the first date I also said that I am not sleeping before marriage, I am not looking 'to have a good time' which usually equals for a man living with him, giving him sex and other comforts without any obligations on his part, etc. I also specified my sex preferences during those few dates. My fully English friends called me a 'freak' and I could not give less of a shit.

Shoot from the hip! That way you won't waste your precious time on a bloke only to discover 'he has a marriage phobia', 'a piece of paper does not make any difference in his mind', or 'he likes threesomes'. Why the fuck should you indulge him if this is not your thing? Like why????

If he can't live without this thing (and how often would you be expected to damp down your feelings and join in?) and you can't contemplate doing it, then you are not compatible and you should split.

If he tries to coerce you IN ANY WAY then you should split.

If he springs it on you when you are not expecting it? leave immediately and end it.

Life is about compromises sometimes, but if you have a line, you don't have to bend it for anyone at all.

Dump him. He’s trying to manipulate you into doing something you don’t want to. The language he used would have made me dump him on the spot (the pathetic “all my exes were fine with it” crap).

Yuk - for the coercive language if nothing else. Throw him back.

I’d just end it tbh.

This subject will come up again and again. It will never be enough for him. He’ll want it more and more often.

It’s quite a big deal what he has asked for. It’s not a small, light, fun thing. It’s pretty serious and 100% ok not to want to do that.

So I would say look that’s never going to happen so up to you where we go from here. Leave the ball in his court.

I disagree with this, because I think it depends on age and what you want out of a relationship. At the age of 25, sure this is fine. At the age of 40 when you both have your own kids not an issue. If you’re late 30s and looking to start a family then you don’t have time to waste, then someone dropping in what they know is a likely dealbreaker isn’t fair.

On the first date I also said that I am not sleeping before marriage

You must have been exhausted by the time you walked down the aisle! 🤣

If he can't live without it then he'll find it one way or another. I absolutely couldn't stand that, personally, so I'd be setting him free.

Depends on the kinks.

I really like the man to take the lead with relationships but it's never working out that way. No I don't mean trad wife.

I agree. I rather not have my time wasted. But they do it I imagine in the hope you will like them enough to try.

It’s manipulative. He wants to get you emotionally invested. If it was something he truly could not go on without how has he managed it for 8 months?

I went on a guy who was a polyamorous (probably not a kink but still). Thankfully he told me on the 1st date. That was the only date we had. If he told me after 8 months I would be livid.

I believe that kinks are almost as significant as orientation, and need to be treated along those lines. In this day and age there are plenty ways to meet people who are sexually compatible.

Sometimes people are kidding themselves thinking they can live without their kink. In practice it’s not much easier than trying to force yourself to be straight when you’re not.

I don’t judge people for (most of) their kinks, but I am entitled to choose what I want to happen in my bed. If someone has special requirements that needs discussing early on, not after there has been significant emotional investment, and possibly financial entanglement. It’s dishonest, and manipulative.

It was better before everyone decided that being open minded was a virtue, when kinky stuck to other kinky people and understood the principles of communication and consent.

With your current partner , if its something he can do by himself , then although a kink , if it were me I'd think it was his business . But if it includes me and I wasn't up for it , then sorry it would be a incompatible thing and they'd have to go .

Which begs the question why not tell the Op sooner if it's a deal-breaker?

They've potentially had a lot of sex already. Presumably none of it really hit the spot. What a waste of Ops time.