To expect people to be upfront with any ‘kinks’

[Laurennnworld]

This has happened twice now in recent relationships - the men I am with waiting many months to reveal ‘kinks’.

Now, I am not saying this should be revealed upfront on date 1, obviously not. But with my ex, he told me after 5 months. My current boyfriend, we are nearly 8 months in. He met my parents yesterday, we had a lovely afternoon with them and came back to mine to watch Eurovision. He then revealed something which he says he’d struggle to go without longer term. No judgement, but not really my thing. I could indulge it occasionally of course. But I wish he told me a few months ago when it would have been easier to cut things off.

Has anyone else experienced this? I am now in a conundrum.

How kinky is the kink. Sucking my toes I could deal with, wearing my underwear, not so much.
Pegging? Hmm if I could keep a straight face. 🫣😳

Some kinks are acceptable, some aren't. We all have our own personal line. If this crosses yours then you need to end it. It's not going to work long term.

I think I'd be asking the question a few dates in now. Saves time wasting.

It actually doesn’t matter what it is - what matters is that you don’t want it as part of your sex life. But you’ve shared it now. No change to my comment; walk away.

I suspected anal but not on him 😳.

If you don’t fancy pegging him @Laurennnworld , move on.

I dont like to get choked but dont mind a hand gently pressed on my throat.

What are the kinks?

🤣 true. It’s a really common kink so I’ve heard.

I told my partner before the fourth date. Better to be upfront about everything.

This is even worse, what a twat he is. I couldn't trust someone who wasted my time like this. I'd say before you have sex (for me two-three months) of regular dating would have been when he should have piped up.

And as previous posters say it is highly likely to become the focus of your entire relationship if it's a paraphilia, it's so very boring.

He says “he’d struggle to go without longer term”!!

FGS!! I totally agree with PPs who said this is manipulative language.

I really don’t think I could have a relationship with someone who would “struggle” if they weren’t provided with a particular sexual act on a regular basis.

It’s his horrid entitlement more than any kink that would put me off. Can you imagine a woman saying this nonsense to a man?

Pegging is a common kink. He probably should have found someone who doesn't mind pegging blokes though. If it's not your bag then he's fucked isn't he? He'd be having you do it against your will and that's not sexy.

sort out how you feel about actually doing it, then tell him. If you want to try it and see, do. If not, don't. If it's truly a deal breaker at that point then the relationship is over.

I personally have the conversation sooner rather than later, but it's not unreasonable to wait for trust to be built first as PP have said.

Getting someone to do something sexually against their will is actually abusive.

This this this this

Sorry, I didn't mean to pressure you into answering! And gosh, yes, I can see that your ex would likely have had a whole parcel of issues with all the humiliation fetish stuff.

As for your current bf...oh yes, pegging is quite a niche thing. I can't really see a relationship surviving that unless the gf was actively into it too, as it's just so marmite, and really messes with the usual dynamic - and frequently has the same submissive/humiliation fetish roots that your ex had.

It would certainly give me the massive ick. He should've told you much sooner!

Nobody struggles to go without particular sexual acts - it’s not essential to life, don’t help with breathing. It’s a preference and a privilege to find someone as interested as they are. What your boyfriend is telling you is if you don’t do it he’ll go elsewhere. This is only the beginning of the manipulation and I’d take the hint now and move on.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

I’ve just read your ‘reveal’ OP.

Oh dear. I would literally have ended things at the end of the conversation.

Oh yuk! YANBU. Bin him.

Yeah wouldnt be my thing. Sorry he wasted your time op

It needs to be early on. Especially if it's something he doesn't want to go without long term. TBH, I think couples need to talk openly about sex and sexual preferences very early on, preferably before or shortly after having sex for the first time.
Eight months in when you're already talking about a serious relationship, potentially children and meeting parents is far too late to spring a surprise on someone.
FWIW, I am kinky and have elements of kink that are important to me. These discussions were initiated with my now partner in the first month of us dating. If nothing else, I wouldn't have wanted to waste either of our time if it was a dealbreaker on either side.
It's possible he was just nervous about raising it with you, but tbh it is a red flag. At best, he has communication issues. What else would he struggle to go without that he hasn't mentioned?

He should have told you much earlier rather than wait til you'd probably developed feelings for him so it's harder to back out.

I have the conversation about kink early on, sometimes before we have sex for the first time, sometimes after the first time. Personally I prefer someone non-vanilla, but that's just my preference. Did you talk about likes/dislikes in general or is this the first time sexual preferences have come up?

Either way, I think it's bad both of these people left it months before revealing what they're into (and if it's something they can't/don't want to have a relationship without, that's more fetish territory). It's not fair on you, I'm sorry.

Pegging or rimming isn't something you can do if you don't want to op it's pretty messy potentially 😬😬

Edited because I RTFT

If commenting on sex threads I always used to say "I'm not a prude but ..."

But reading threads about modern dating, I now think maybe I am massive prude and maybe I'm totally fine with that 😂

Why did watching Eurovision together make you think he wants to choke her?