To expect people to be upfront with any ‘kinks’

[Laurennnworld]

This has happened twice now in recent relationships - the men I am with waiting many months to reveal ‘kinks’.

Now, I am not saying this should be revealed upfront on date 1, obviously not. But with my ex, he told me after 5 months. My current boyfriend, we are nearly 8 months in. He met my parents yesterday, we had a lovely afternoon with them and came back to mine to watch Eurovision. He then revealed something which he says he’d struggle to go without longer term. No judgement, but not really my thing. I could indulge it occasionally of course. But I wish he told me a few months ago when it would have been easier to cut things off.

Has anyone else experienced this? I am now in a conundrum.

This.

Why are they exes?

It sounds manipulative - an attempt to shame you into doing as he wants (as does the poster who jumped straight in with "how open minded are you?"). Don't forget that there are all sorts of people of both sexes with all sorts of agendas and kinks of their own on huge anonymous forums like this one...

Also his language is incredibly manipulative.

”Cannot imagine going without it”

”None of my exes had an issue with it” - this especially. Who cares what his exes did or did not do? What a manipulative thing to say!

I don't think there's a problem waiting a while to mention something you like that's a bit unusual. If it's not a deal breaker for you then fine to prioritise everything else and later down the line see if your partner is up for it.

But if you have something you "aren't going to want to go without long term", that does need to be completely up front and mentioned before you sleep with someone. And really, especially if it's something that a lot of people are going to baulk at, you need to be looking for a partner within that kink community. It's coercive to develop the relationship wo your partner will feel like they have a lot invested and ought to try it for your sake - which is what people who do this are relying on.

They should definitely say before meeting parents, that's generally a bit of a 'step' in the relationship. Def should have said when discussing the future. Ditch now, being honest doesn't take 8 months.

YANBU. 8 months on is far too late to mention such a thing.

I think the crux of this is really the " struggle to go without" part. It's clearly a deal breaker for him if you not do this "kink".
It should be disussed/mentioned if it is a deal breaker early on, to delay mentioning til many months in is manipulative because it makes it harder for you to say no after forming a deeper connection.
Bottom line is, would you want to participate in this particular "kink" or not? Agreeing to something to please someone else rarely works in the longer term.
If i didnt want to participate in his kink ,i would tell him straight that is not for me.So,if its essential for you best we end things now.
If i did want to participate in his kink ,id agree .
My guess his kink had somewhat given you the ick but as you otherwise like him you are feeling pressured to agree . If you agree to something you dont really want from pressure it will feel awful and eventually you will break up .
If this thing is really something he cant do without and you dont wish to do its probably best to end it now.
Your question about wether he should have mentioned it earlier/when is reasonable. I think yes, probably early on ,once you decided to be serious.

I'm very old, but I'm sure that when I was young pegging was absolutely not a thing to do with your partner, it was something I'm sure people did but maybe in a specialist club like The Torture Garden. I'd never even heard of pegging until a few years ago.

The other thing I didn't even think was that kinky until I read on Mumsnet that it's misogynistic.

If it is a deal-breaker issue, they needed to mention it earlier.

If it is a "I was wondering if we could try this but no problem if you don't fancy it" then it's not such an issue.

I refuse to be coerced sexually, so if be inclined to end things. There's no real getting around it if he values his kink more than your relationship. I don't think I'd like that even if I was open to whatever it was.

Someone might develop an interest in something new during the relationship. Someone might have a kink but not have any interest in pursuing it but then feel different when they're in a long term relationship with someone they trust. I don't think there needs to be a timeline on discussing kinks.

Yuck, not only is this manipulative, but imo he's also setting you up to tolerate him cheating later with the "struggle to do without" comment, i.e. I gave you a choice from the outset, when he's done anything but. Kink aside, I'd bin him off for this alone. The way he's gone about this will inflect every aspect of your relationship, even totally non-sexual things, imo. I feel for you, especially given your age. Dating and relationships seem to be a complete shitshow nowadays. Glad I'm old tbh.

Not a lot of women like pegging funnily enough. I knew a bloke who brought this up after we broke up (we just dated no sex), he’d been married and his wife hadn’t wanted to do this, neither did any of his ex girlfriends. Personally I think if you like it you’re gay or bi as the man.

What could be worse than making someone watch Eurovision? 😆

Oh my god my secondary school boyfriend did this to. Feet and being a cuck. He tried to get me to have sex with another man in front of him 🤢. Bear in mind he was my first kiss. He waited till 6 months in, and told me in a fucking weird way, he kind of soft launched it with the feet thing and it turned out that was the tip of the iceberg. Feet I could probably have lived with. Proper guilted me. I didn’t do it and I ended up telling my mum (poor mum) and she actually ended it with him for me.

It really messed me up and for years I was worried my DH had some horrible secret kink. Genuinely I feel bad for DH I gave him the Spanish Inquisition hundreds of times poor man. I’d really think people should be upfront about it. I always am.

There does if its a dealbreaker as he has said.

I'd rather know day one. I'd feel taken advantage of if a guy sat on a dealbreaker like that. Sounds like you have a tough decision to make because he clearly gave you an ultimatum. Also, there are sex workers who would be happy to take care of any fetishes for you. I wouldn't give up on a good relationship because of a sexual incompatibility but his holding out and ultimatum puts a question mark over him (for me).

I agree. If someone’s in a relationship with you for the sake of being with YOU, they don’t use language like that. You should be enough.

Good lord! There is more to being gay or bi than liking things in your bum. If a man has no sexual interest in men then he is neither gay nor bi no matter what sex acts he is into.

I actually think being upfront about all this would be great and should be normalised on dating apps. I can't be arsed any more (am also old and enjoyed plenty of nice, respectful and non-extreme-pornified sex in my youth, and I'm horrifoed by all the normalisation of choking, anal etc etc). But if I did I would love an OLD site where you could specify that you are into totally vanilla sex, not interested in any kinks at all and have a wild 70s bush. It would put off a lot of men and that's a good thing!

These comments about pegging are wild. It absolutely does not mean a man is gay or bi to enjoy it, nor does it mean he wants to be a submissive or humiliated etc. ridiculous!

I've done with with more than one partner and it's a thing of deep trust (like anal the other way would be) and is about sharing pleasure.

His kink would be fine with me but the words he is using to discuss it absolutely wouldn't be and that would be the problem. What else could he suddenly decide he couldn't live without further down the line that has never been raised previously and cannot be done? Id have to break up with him for the way he's gone about it rather than the kink itself

I am old and when I read threads like this I am glad that I am old.

Completely agree! A lot of people on here seem to have no idea what it means to be gay. Would they tell a lesbian she is really straight because she enjoys pegging? I hope not!

It sounds like he’s a manipulator as some PP have said and if his kink is not for you then end it - fast.
The emotional blackmail of ‘my exes were up for it’ is something you can’t check up on and he knows it….. and remember HE is an ex of these women for a reason.

The biphobia on this site. Oh, the biphobia on this site.

You don't think that language is manipulative? Interesting. It's all the red flags to me. I didn't say she couldn't walk away, I said the way that he has framed all of this is very obviously calculated to illicit one of two responses: guilt (oh he NEEDS this and no one else has an issue, I must be the one with a problem) or fear (oh he might leave if I don't get on board with this...) I totally agree she should leave, he sounds like an utter creep. Who waits eight months to say: "By the way I need to be pegged every other Wednesday otherwise I will die..." Paraphrasing obviously, but come on, people who recognise they have fetishes and who aren't arseholes have mature conversations. They don't drop it as a topic hours after they've met the parents and use language designed to make her feel as if she is the odd one out.

Whatever it is, if you don't want to do it, you have the absolute right to say no. If you tell him it's not going to happen, then he can decide if he can't live without whatever it is. I think you need to make it clear that the subject is closed if you do say no.
I've found that men do often try to chip away until the woman reluctantly agrees. That's the way to a disastrous relationship, coercion and disgust.