To expect people to be upfront with any ‘kinks’

[Laurennnworld]

This has happened twice now in recent relationships - the men I am with waiting many months to reveal ‘kinks’.

Now, I am not saying this should be revealed upfront on date 1, obviously not. But with my ex, he told me after 5 months. My current boyfriend, we are nearly 8 months in. He met my parents yesterday, we had a lovely afternoon with them and came back to mine to watch Eurovision. He then revealed something which he says he’d struggle to go without longer term. No judgement, but not really my thing. I could indulge it occasionally of course. But I wish he told me a few months ago when it would have been easier to cut things off.

Has anyone else experienced this? I am now in a conundrum.

Gross! Leave him to his porn.

Throw that one back !!
He should have given you the chance to see how u felt about his kinks before you introduced him to your parents !!
It's like he has embedded himself into your emotions it's quiet tactical and using language that is very manipulative!!
If previous girlfriends.were into then why isn't he still with them !
Sorry no chance the fact he has even done it in this way wud be a reason to dump him !

Because one of the entries was about precisely that and its become a normalised fetish due to its prevalence in porn.

I think it is unfair he's left it until after meeting the parents. And mentioning exes is a huge 🚩as it is coercive.
Your consent is what is needed and has to be enthusiastic. Could I peg a bloke I liked with a strap-on? Dunno. Might have given it a go once in a while, g spot and all that. Birthdays, Xmas and in return for some DIY, not a euphemism, literal DIY. 😂
But I think 8 months is far along in that process. I guess he knows it's a deal-breaker and/or maybe embarrassed as you might see it as him being gay/bi (does not mean that he is, more likely he's realised himself g spot there, many men do).
If you have the ick, throw this one back.
And do not think of timelines having kids - better to be childless than have one with the wrong guy (I know it's easy saying that but you'll have to trust me. Co-parenting with someone who isn't who you thought they were, is challenging to say the least).
I do worry for my daughters though, in terms of fetishes in general. I do blame porn for normalising kinks and desensitising young men. We try to teach them against this but with Only Fans and the like, I'd baulk at the expectations these days and the social pressures and messages of don't kink-shame, let your freak flag fly etc Empowerment means choosing when, where and what and not being made to think "vanilla" is a bad flavour.

Oh, it just made me think of the Romanian Eurovision song entry, 'Choke Me', which I've seen mentioned on here lately. I wonder if any men have used it as an opportunity to bring up doing it to their wife/gf.

This is irrelevant. It used to be a basic tenet of kink that there should be openness and no coercion/pressure to participate. That seems to have gone out of the window in recent years.

“My exes were ok with it” is manipulative as is waiting until so late in the growing relationship with a woman who feels she is short on time and wants children.

Thank you.

Yes, I wonder if it did, I'm sure some thought it was a great opportunity!

Your current partner has told you that he will "struggle" to be with you unless you start pegging him?

How he has survived the last 8 months then?

I don't think the kink is the issue, it's him suggesting he might leave you unless you do it after 8 months of never mentioning it before.

It's also odd that you've said you don't mind doing it once in a while but that's not good enough for him?

His wording also implies it's an addiction, which is a huge red flag.

Sorry but you need to end this relationship. No, you should discuss your kinks on a first date, but definitely something to bring up in first few times of sleeping together. If you’ve had sex more than 3 times, he should have said something already.

I think people should tell each other about any kinks before the relationship gets sexual.

I would want someone to tell me in the first 4-5 dates to be honest. Then I can tell them to fuck off.

YANBU @Laurennnworld Why are so many men such creepy pervs?! 😬

Get rid. He needs to get onto Grinder bless him.

Sack him off. He's a twat

This sounds far more like a porn induced fetish than a kink. Kink to me is a preference in style that does exist independently but the way it’s expressed emerges from a relationship or at least a situation so is fairly mutual. A fetish is a specific thing that a person ‘requires’ to orgasm. IMO fetishes get more intrusive with time, are a total bore and are a lot more voluntary than most fetishists let on.

I agree. I've always considered myself quite liberal and generally uninhibited but rimming and pegging, no thanks guys 😂

He remained tight lipped for 8 months but after meeting your parents he says he would struggle to live without it? Nice try mate! Jog on.

if this guy required pegging to orgasm then OP would have known about it much sooner...

I think it depends what it is. It would be a bit weird to tell someone you just met imo and I guess people are embarrassed about it too.

How do you get that from Eurovision? 🤔

Nobody should be forced to do anything that they're not comfortable with bit sometimes you don't know you like things until you've actually tried it with someone you love?
Obviously anything that makes you feel unsafe is a big no no but if you love this man, would it not be worth a try? Seeing how much he enjoys something that you do to him might make you feel differently about the act in its crude sense of description if everything else in the relationship is spot on?

Eight months of wasting his and your time is frustrating.

My partner told me before we’d even met in person - there’s no point bearing around the bush. We all have 1 precious life. Fortunately, I share his ‘kink’.

My ex husband waited until he had trapped me into marriage before revealing his and forcing me to do it because “if I loved him I would want to” by the time I left and divorced him I honestly though I would never want to have any kind of sexual relationship with anyone again I was so degraded and desensitised by years of it.

If someone new reveals something you think you’re not ok with. Leave. It’s not your problem. Each to their own. But do not try and force yourself to like something you know deep down isn’t for you.

I love my husband, having been with him for nigh on twenty years, and we have both tried all sorts of things in mutual fun (and found most of them to be unnecessary).

But I don't have to try buggering him to know that I'm not going to enjoy anything about it - and it would probably give me the massive ick, which I'd then have to try to come back from. Sometimes you don't have to try something to know that you won't like it.

i socialise in a scene where we're mostly very kink tolerant/forward, and part of dating within that scene is being very open and honest about likes/dislikes and boundaries.

I couldn't imagine dating and exploring sexually without having that kind of conversation first, and bringing it up later when emotional relationships have been established would be an absolute deal breaker.

Sounds like a square peg in a round hole….