Husband has stormed out because I found messages on his phone

[Welshie2]

Hi everyone, I had so many supportive messages on my previous post which has now closed. I have started to implement some of the advice around finances etc. I’ve also filled this weekend with plans not involving my Husband. I said last night he was going at 100mph, and he is similar today. He has text me to say the delivery is arriving tomorrow morning and he can see if his parents can have DS so we can have some us time. I’ve told him I’m going to be out and he has just blanked me.

So thank you to everyone who is helping me navigate this. He is making it seem like everything is business as usual and that I am silly to be dragging it out in his words.

I forgot to link the previous one incase anyone is wondering what on earth I’m on about!

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5529043-husband-has-stormed-out-because-i-found-messages-on-his-phone?page=40&reply=152315695

Tbh I'd probably tell him to use his "gifts" with his mistress because he wont be having sex with me ever again

He wants you to use the sex chair tomorrow? 🙄

He is ignoring every word you've said, I know you told him you need space. I think you're going to have to talk about separation. If he refuses to leave, in house separation but preferable he's out. Stop doing anything for him.He's ignoring what you say and trying to stomp your boundaries incredibly hard. Be very careful, he sounds out of control with his overstepping.

Good on you for taking your financial steps and doctor appt. I know it's difficult. Have a virtual handhold if you need it.

Does he have any type of mental health diagnosis in his history?

He’s love bombing you to make you ‘forget’ ! F* that ! …..

Ughhh disgusting. "Lets give my parents our child so I can make you use this seedy sex chair".

He has no idea what the problem is does he.

Good on you for filling your weekend with plans. It would be the end for me and I hope that you feel all the strength from the women on this thread and go on to have a good life

Can you tell him it’s a really good idea to speak to his parents but instead of looking after DS can they take him in for a few weeks

I'm amazed you didn’t just say ‘after seeing those texts I’m not sure I will ever be able to have sex with you again’

I'm worried though that he might pressure you into doing something you’re not comfortable with as he doesn’t seem to be listening to you

I’ve just read all of your posts @Welshie2in your previous thread. Wow. So he’s completely inappropriate with this woman at work and then thinks that the best way forward is to buy sex toys. I’ve read some things on here but, by goodness, that’s dreadful.

He is either as thick as mince, has zero emotional intelligence or has some very unhealthy sex boundaries. Or all 3.

I would simply look him straight in the eye and say “After everything you have done and the emotional trauma of this week, you think the answer is to buy sex toys. Talk me through your thought process on this one”. Because I would be very interested in what he has got to say.

My gut feeling is that he sees you and this woman as sex objects there for his own sake. He calls her a “bimbo” and I don’t for one minute think that she sent the first inappropriate message. My legs would be securely clamped shut in his presence.

He clearly thought you would try to "prove" yourself worthy of being good enough for him by shagging his brains out once you discovered he was sleazing around a coworker. Tell him to take his novelty sex chair and go fuck himself with it. I hope you have lots of friends and family close by for support OP. Sending you best wishes and a handhold.

Either he is excited about what's happened and his libido has gone into overdrive

You'll just feel like a prop in his fantasy, like you could be anyone

Or he thinks you will be so worried about the prospect of losing him to someone younger and uninhibited that you will want to perform to keep his interest. I mean, I think when most men say they are feeling unloved and like the spark has gone what they really mean is they want more sex and to push your boundaries and for you to act like they are an adonis you can't get enough of.

Or it's a combination of the two. But unless you have previously declared that there aren't enough hours in the day for all the oral sex you wish to receive, or that it's nice but what it really needs is enhancing with some niche furniture, this obviously isn't about you.

(Not that I am saying you are inhibited. I'm trying to think of a polite way to describe a woman who sends a married man messages about being used however he wishes.)

I second the PP who suggested you just refuse delivery of this parcel. I feel like once it's in the house it will just give off symbolic bad vibes and make you feel miserable and seedy and he will be pressuring you to make use.

WTF????

He thinks the answer to his emotional infidelity is to buy a sex chair??????

Ewwwwwwww .

He seems to think that you and the OW are in competition for him and that he is some grand prize to be won with sex. I’ve read some strange stuff on this forum over the years but this is up there. You deserve so much better than this.

He bought a what now? I had to google it!! His answer to your discovering his incredibly inappropriate behaviour with another woman is to buy you a sex chair? Has he alway been so utterly fucking clueless?

I can hardly believe that this horrible man thinks you will be interested in a ‘sex chair’ after conducting his grubby behaviour with the OW from the workplace via What’s App messages.
This is almost worse than the messages. He clearly has zero emotional intelligence. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with him now he has shown a total lack of empathy for you?
So sorry, but this is another instance of ‘seek legal advice’ & look forward to an early escape.

Sounds like he is trying to gain control here, bulldozing you.

He’s brought you a love chair wtf

he’s back peddling

It is absolutely crazy. And how dare he tell you that you are silly to be dragging out, that's not his call ffs.

I have said words to that effect this evening - basically received shrugged shoulders and was told I either want to improve things or I don’t.

I’m not liking at all how he is not listening to you. You have asked for space. He’s dismissing your wants. Everything he does, every single thing, suggests he’s a complete arsehole.

God, what an absolute toss-pot.

1. Messages a direct report, inappropriately and over a series of days. Indicates some flirtation at work
2. When you find out he blames you. Minimises what he has done and rages at you. Storms off to god knows where.
3. Realises his goose is cooked and comes back all meek and apologetic.
4. Declines to make any actual changes about coming into contact with this woman, and decides to repay you by having sex...

Twat.

My ex used to do this - try to make you feel like you’re being unreasonable for not getting over what they’ve done quickly enough & making out like you’re the problem. I didn’t recognise it for what it was at the time, please don’t let him manipulate you. He is 100% in the wrong & he should be begging you for forgiveness, not trying to gaslight you into taking responsibility for his deceit. Stay strong & be kind to yourself x

Well done for sticking your ground. I cannot believe he is turning this around on you and saying ‘you either want to improve things or you don’t….’

This has now turned a corner into abusive I think. He is gaslighting you into thinking that if the relationship ends then it is your fault because he is making an ‘effort.’

I bet your brain is completely scrambled and you can’t think straight, but just remember that deep down in your gut you know what is right and wrong, and don’t let him manipulate you into thinking you’ve done anything wrong or had any part in making this situation what it is…

Can you go and stay elsewhere for a few nights with your child? It worries me that he seems so unhinged that he could get aggressive? Particularly if you refuse to use the god forsaken chair 🤢

OP he's no respect or love for you. Doesn't listen to you and only thinks about his selfish needs. I'd handcuff him to his seedy sex chair and then go out for the evening and leave him to it. Get your ducks in a row and leave this awful man. A new wonderful life awaits you x

I read your previous thread OP and feel so sorry you’re dealing with this. I was a bit caught up on the ‘as if’ part of her stamina comment in your other thread. That to me would imply something has happened between them already, despite what he’s saying. Like an inside joke, ‘as if’ she needs more stamina - because he already knows her stamina is plenty. Yuck. So he’s doing the usual minimising. Oh just a ‘bimbo’. Just a joke. Just a, just a, just a. For him to think the problem is solved by ‘treating’ you to a sex chair with no discussion and no accountability for what his actions and words have put you through, wtf. I’d have to ask him to leave, he’s disgusting.

The sex chair is a red herring. He has bought it so that he can say that he tried to improve your sex life (therefore marriage). You rejected it (him) so he has no choice but to seek cheap thrills at work. It’s all your fault, of course…

Well there it is. He has just shown you exactly who he is.

He behaves appallingly and then turns it around on to you. He is essentially saying that to fix the problems that HE has caused, YOU need to up your game in the bedroom.

For me, there would be no coming back from this because I just couldn’t share my life and my bed with a man who thinks so low of me.