Husband has stormed out because I found messages on his phone

[Welshie2]

Hi everyone, I had so many supportive messages on my previous post which has now closed. I have started to implement some of the advice around finances etc. I’ve also filled this weekend with plans not involving my Husband. I said last night he was going at 100mph, and he is similar today. He has text me to say the delivery is arriving tomorrow morning and he can see if his parents can have DS so we can have some us time. I’ve told him I’m going to be out and he has just blanked me.

So thank you to everyone who is helping me navigate this. He is making it seem like everything is business as usual and that I am silly to be dragging it out in his words.

or he’s on drugs. Seriously. Is there a chance he is? Has he in the past?

Putrid. He is laughing at you and thinks he holds all the cards. He doesn't know what's coming!!

You need to stay angry.

this level of disrespect is beyond, if you stay you’ll grow to hate yourself.

You say your speechless, but I'm just wondering is language like this out of the norm for him or does he usually talk like this?

It’s out of the norm for sure. It’s like he’s had a personality transplant this past week.

This screams mental breakdown alongside sex addiction.

He is probably feeling guilty as he’s been found out.He thinks the best way to take you off the scent is to initiate a sparkling sex life. A classic case of Men are from Mars.
Don’t fall for this. He’s probably still on a high, thinking madam from work fancies him. Watch out for any old excuse to leave the house. Ducks in a row.

Oral sex on a chair he asked she assemble herself because he's fucked off at short notice and relegated her plans in doing so.

Do you know the friend? Can you message him or if he has one his partner and say you hope he's OK or something, to see if they were together?

You mentioned he previously said you couldn't afford a holiday OP, then came home suggesting one. Is that a possible way in to ask about money without it being obvious? You know, maybe he is right and you do need a break, where was he thinking, you are worried he's overstretching to try to put things right because previously he said you couldn't afford it? Sounds like he's so away with the fairies he might actually think you want to go away with him.

Although probably won't help with the BC money.

Unfortunately far too common for (idiotic) men to Google how to fix a marriage (intimacy, which they confuse with sex) but neglect to recognise their need to work on themselves. Or indeed just go shopping to fix their problems. No doubt he's sure that he's working on fixing things, whilst your busy trying to sort out the mess 🙄

Just found this new thread after previously reading and commenting on your previous one.

This man isn't having a mental breakdown, he's having an affair. The excitement of a younger woman wanting him, the danger, the fact you have seen some of the messages has all sent his libido into overdrive.

He is likely still seeing or communicating with her but thinks if he plays it all down as you overreacting/ being silly, and gives you what he thinks will be 'great sex' it will all blow over, you can go back to 'normal' and he will likely then continue with OW in secret.

The 'friend's' crisis was likely either seeing or messaging the OW (which could be too risky, even for him) or meeting a friend to get 'advice' on his own 'crisis'.

I don't know whether you read my previous post OP but his behaviour since has made me even more sure of what I said.

Wishing you strength and resilience - you can do it!

Absolutely 1000% keep quiet and do your research!! Stealth and secrecy are your friends right now as you plan your exit.

Also, try to put important docs (birth certs, marriage cert, passports, financial records) somewhere easy for you to grab but where he won't find them. If you can without suspicion, get them out of the house. If it's too risky to move or remove them, at least take copies/pics of them and put them in a secure folder on your phone or laptop.

A lot of 'b-word' accounts/records are 100% online. My son gave me some (more as a joke, it's not enough to be worth anything) and there is no 'real paper' trail for them just an online account.

I really have no words for the sex chair thing. But I think it's pretty typical of most men (NAMALT) to think we'll forget everything in an orgasmic fog due to their 'expertise'. Especially when it comes to oral sex. To them receiving it is an everyday expectation, giving it is a 'special treat'.

Focus on your future. You'll get through this.

I hate this bloke!

Not sure I’d feel safe around him, he seems fixated on sex.

I hope you get far far away from him.

My gosh OP,
His behaviour is just awful and the fact he seems to be in a frenzy at the moment must be really worrying.

I can't believe that he tried to place the blame on you for 'not wanting to improve things' and placing the whole focus on sex... when he has been flirting like this (and potentially more) with a colleague. He's got a serious amount of audacity.

I wouldn't worry so much about finding all the evidence, gather what you can and then go and seek a forensic accountant who'll be able to track it all down. If you can find any paperwork then, great, but don't put yourself at risk... I'm concerned about how intense his behaviour is at the moment. You said yourself, it's like he's had a personality transplant. Probably the adrenaline from being caught mixed with a bit of mid-life crisis and hoping to disarm you so you're so confused that you don't think to leave him.

I hope you're ok.

Genuinely aghast. I’m so sorry op.

I would put money on this.

He’s had another mood change after I’ve told him again last night that I am not comfortable he will continue to manage her. He is telling me this can’t be sped up and that she’s a loose cannon who will make his life very difficult if she wants to. She has already got funny about him stating no personal messages apparently but he won’t exaggerate on the exact details.

Sorry but…..
He is probably being extremely economical with the truth. He has proved himself to be devious. Do not believe a word he says at the moment.

Perhaps you could say to him "you either want to improve things or you don't"

What an absolute turd of a man.

Ah OK, so he's having a full-blown affair with her, and she's going to kick off at work and with you if he pulls the plug.

I'd very helpfully report her to HR on his behalf. Then watch it unravel. I suspect he's being very economical with the truth and I wouldn't want to deal with his lies any longer.

He’s being an absolute dick about this !

I know this isnt the point of the thread but I had never heard of a Queening chair and just gone down a rather weird rabbit hole. Ugh. I feel for you OP, he sounds awful. Divorce is awful and hard so think long and hard but I can;t see how you can remain with him with his inability to address this properly.

As my old country uncle used to say "Quit talkin', start walkin'".

He's made it clear that he doesn't intended to change his behaviour nor demand she change hers.

And besides, there is so much more about his behaviour and attitudes to justify you wanting to end the marriage. I'd concentrate on getting your ducks in a row. Once you've found your way out, then it will be 'safe' to think about your marriage. If we try to figure things out when we don't know how we'd get out, it can make us stay in situations we really shouldn't.

Have you gotten the info you wanted?

It's time for a lawyer consult and get divorce papers ready to go. He sounds flakey and erratic with mood swings and possibly hypersexuality and I strongly suspect he's using street drugs as well as having an affair. It also could be signs of a serious mental health issue, but you need to be prepared for shit to hit the fan.

I would want rid of him. You can do so much better @Welshie2