26 weeks pregnant and ex has sent me a letter, I am broken

[Brokennn]

I am 26 weeks pregnant. I was living with ex for a year before I was pregnant, both in late 30s. The pregnancy was not planned though we had planned to ttc in 2027.

Luckily I had not got round to renting out my own home and so when he reacted badly to the pregnancy, I did have somewhere to go. He said he was excited for the baby but also worried. He would never clarify what these worries were and I spent literally night after night while he barely spoke to me, stared into space. It was awful. When I was around 4 months pregnant I said I would spend some time at my home as I was struggling to cope with how he was treating me and it was causing huge rows that were making me worried for the baby as I was under so much stress. I think his main worry was that he might need to move for work and whether I would come with him, obviously his treatment of me during the first few weeks made me reluctant to agree to that (otherwise I would absolutely have done) which only made things worse between us.

When I returned to the house after a couple of days away, he had changed the locks and refused to speak to me. I begged him to talk and said we had a baby to think about, please just talk etc but he wouldn’t. I left and went to my home and have been off sick from work as I just can’t cope. I had been texting and emailing him most days, asking him to just tell me if he’s ok and if we can talk, asking what he wants to do about our baby and if he wants to be in the baby’s life.

He continued to ignore me. The last few weeks have been absolute hell, wondering if I will be a lone parent, wondering how I will afford all the things the baby will need, wondering how I will birth alone and how I will cope with recovery. My messages had been nothing but nice, polite, just asking for some sort of closure and understanding.

This morning I have been contacted by a firm of solicitors saying he does not want me to contact him because it is harassment and if it continues he will report me. It also asked for a dna test. I genuinely have never felt so confused and broken and hopeless in my life. I can’t understand any of it. I won’t contact him directly again now but how do I cope? I feel so alone. Please be gentle, I am usually a strong person but I honestly do not know how to navigate this.

That’s awful, do you have friends and family you can rely on? I honestly wouldn’t contact him nor put him on the birth certificate. Unfortunately looks like you will be doing it alone so best to get prepared. Sending hugs.

Was the house you lived in together his?

You are safe and have a home and a job. Have you sought help from GP? Do you have real life support from friends and family?

I would wait until baby is born then do the DNA test and go through CMS for maintenance.
You will get through this! 💐

You poor thing, what as asshole he is.

You will get through this and you are better without his treatment bringing you down and stressing you out. I know hormones and pregnancy symptoms are making this all more difficult, but try to focus on the practical side. Do you have friends or family you can talk to that might be able to support you?

You will get through this and you will refind the strong woman you are.

This is awful and you deserve a lot better.

You’ve gotten pregnant by someone you thought you knew and it turns out he is an absolute loser.

Please don’t beg for scraps from a man who would lock a pregnant woman out of her home.

You will be alright. Who do you have in your life to support you? Family? Friends? You can ask for mental health support from the midwife to have an independent person to talk to, you'll be priorised on the waiting list.

He's shown you who he is, believe him. He's not on your side, he doesn't want the baby. Don't put him on the BC. Draw a line, and don't have him in your life again. You will be alright, you are strong

I just can’t comprehend why he would do something so cruel. I can’t get my head round it.

I told my parents first thing and called them back after the first conversation we had, mum didn’t answer so I called again and again as I was so distraught and she said I was harassing her now so she can see how he felt. Mum usually is supportive but can be cruel. I feel extremely sensitive and sad.

He’s a dick.

go to CMS when the baby is born.

Be honest though, he has ignored you, and you’ve continued to message looking for closure. Whilst I think he’s an arse, legally you’ve continued to contact him and it is harassment if it’s unwanted contact more than once and he feels distressed, humiliated or threatened or fearful. Bloody right he should feel distressed at abandoning you! But you’re caught by this law.

Just don’t contact him directly again and make sure he pays what he owes.

I’m so sorry. Look after yourself, you’ll get through this and your baby will be a joy.

You are better off having others around you. Stick with your close friends and family.

Forget this man.

Collect all you need to apply for parental payment from him.
Have the DNA test when it suits. Only contact him via lawyers.

Completely ignore and forget him and parent alone.

I would agree to DNA test because he then can’t contest any CMS claim

What was he like before pregnancy? Pregnancy can be a time some men ramp up awful behaviour

Agree with this.

OP this is where you need to dig very deep and find your inner strength. You are more powerful than you know. You are about to go through the biggest change a human can go through. You need to be on your A game for yourself and you child. Fuck him, you can do this alone, do not lower yourself to chasing him.

OP, he’s an absolute shit. I’d be utterly ashamed if ever my son behaved as he has done. He’s telling you loud and clear that he wants nothing to do with this baby, so get the DNA test along with your CMS application in as soon as convenient once the baby’s here. I’m sorry you’ve had such a rude awakening from this absolute waste of space about just what a lowly specimen he is, and I sincerely hope you have friends and family to support you. You will get through this, and you will manage. I have a friend who was left “holding the baby” in very similar circumstances - her baby is now grown up, and she has been a happy single parent. You will do this, OP: you are so much stronger than this loser of a boyfriend who has so cruelly deserted you. 💐

Also you don’t need understand why he did it, people do shitty things for themselves, you just have to accept it and move forward.

You say you wonder if you'll be raising this baby alone, and that you wonder what the future holds. The first answer is yes, and the second he can't answer. Noone can. He's a dickhead but has provided clear evidence that he doesn't want anything to do with you or the baby. You need to leave him alone, and seek support elsewhere. He won't provide it.

I'm so sorry, what an absolute shit he is 😠 please speak to your GP and midwife and get some support. Do you have friends and family who can support you?

He has behaved appallingly and you don't deserve it. As hard as it is, you will need to come to terms with the fact that you will be raising your child alone and he doesn't want to be involved at all. You will be ok and you will get through this, you will have a beautiful baby and he will be the one missing out.

I would do the DNA test and be prepared to put in a CMS claim when the baby is born. In the meantime, can you speak to Citizen's Advice about any help you might be able to access financially? Sending you a big unmumsnetty hug 💐

If he wants a DNA test he can do the leg work once the baby is born through CMS. Ignore the loser, do not tell him about the birth, when the baby is born etc. Do not name him on the birth certificate, just apply for CMS once baby arrives. If he wants parental responsibility, a DNA test he can go through the courts. Keep the letter from his solicitors and attempts of contact which you can show the courts if he tries to claim you've pushed him out.

Your child does have a right to know who their dad is (no matter how much of an arse they are) so cutting off complete contact might not be possible (even if it just means you have contact details for a member of his side of the family)

How many times did you call your mum back for her to say that? I’ve adult children and one of the things that panics me is when I’ve not answered a call (because I’m working for eg) and then I get 32 missed calls when nobody died. I AM sympathetic but I can’t just drop everything due to my job/life. I know you were distressed but people can’t always be available.

that isn’t meant to be unsympathetic but my immediate thought if I had a ton of missed calls would be that either you or the baby were dying.

and at some point you’ve got to find your strength and straighten that spine and get on with this new normal.

It doesn’t feel like it now but it will all all be ok. At least you know exactly where you stand with your ex. It’s so lucky you have your house.
Have you a good friend you can talk to or siblings? Does you work offer any form or counseling? It’s a really big deal to be going through this so maybe think about counseling so that you can get your thoughts in order.

If this happened to my daughter, there’s nothing I wouldn’t drop to support her through the distress. OP, I think your mum was being very very harsh and unkind. I hope you have someone else you can lean on.

He's obviously an arse but you need to stand on your own two feet and control your emotions and communication with people. Messaging someone multiple times a day is harassment, your own mum has had to speak to you about that. There is no closure to be had, he doesn't want to be with you and that's all you need to accept. There is a lot to unpack here but if I was you I'd contact your GP and seek a referral for talking therapy as you need to build your resilience for when your baby arrives.

How many times have you texted and emailed him? You say it’s most days for the past few weeks? How many actually has it been?

You need to stop that now. No more emailing or texting him. And just contact his solicitors and let them know once the baby is born.

You'll be fine, go back to your own home, save slowly when you can, ignore him, don't contact him again, give your mum a few days to contact you. Calling and texting daily can feel like harassment, he's made I clear he doesn't want to be with you, keep any letters or messages and do not agree to anything.

That’s great that you can do that. Unfortunately my students wouldnt appreciate me taking a phone call from a distressed child whilst teaching them. It wouldn’t be allowed.

And I need to work. I wouldn’t be able to financially help if I lost my job.

mum didn’t answer so I called again and again as I was so distraught and she said I was harassing her now so she can see how he felt. Mum usually is supportive but can be cruel.

OP I just wanted to come on and say dont be persuaded by anyone into thinking you are the problem here. Id hazard a guess that you have ended up in a relationship that mimics that you had with a parent/s. It happens often. Recognise now why this might have happened and do not allow your mother, ex or anyone to treat you so cruelly again. Do not believe them. Focus all your efforts inwards on you and your baby. Congrats, this is super shit and hard times but you will eventually be ok.