26 weeks pregnant and ex has sent me a letter, I am broken

[Brokennn]

I am 26 weeks pregnant. I was living with ex for a year before I was pregnant, both in late 30s. The pregnancy was not planned though we had planned to ttc in 2027.

Luckily I had not got round to renting out my own home and so when he reacted badly to the pregnancy, I did have somewhere to go. He said he was excited for the baby but also worried. He would never clarify what these worries were and I spent literally night after night while he barely spoke to me, stared into space. It was awful. When I was around 4 months pregnant I said I would spend some time at my home as I was struggling to cope with how he was treating me and it was causing huge rows that were making me worried for the baby as I was under so much stress. I think his main worry was that he might need to move for work and whether I would come with him, obviously his treatment of me during the first few weeks made me reluctant to agree to that (otherwise I would absolutely have done) which only made things worse between us.

When I returned to the house after a couple of days away, he had changed the locks and refused to speak to me. I begged him to talk and said we had a baby to think about, please just talk etc but he wouldn’t. I left and went to my home and have been off sick from work as I just can’t cope. I had been texting and emailing him most days, asking him to just tell me if he’s ok and if we can talk, asking what he wants to do about our baby and if he wants to be in the baby’s life.

He continued to ignore me. The last few weeks have been absolute hell, wondering if I will be a lone parent, wondering how I will afford all the things the baby will need, wondering how I will birth alone and how I will cope with recovery. My messages had been nothing but nice, polite, just asking for some sort of closure and understanding.

This morning I have been contacted by a firm of solicitors saying he does not want me to contact him because it is harassment and if it continues he will report me. It also asked for a dna test. I genuinely have never felt so confused and broken and hopeless in my life. I can’t understand any of it. I won’t contact him directly again now but how do I cope? I feel so alone. Please be gentle, I am usually a strong person but I honestly do not know how to navigate this.

What a shit bag he is.

Don't wait for a DNA test before claiming CSA - it's not necessary at that stage and it'll just delay everything. If he wishes to dispute paternity and have a DNA test after they contact him, he can, but your claim will still all be in place as soon as the baby is born.

I'm so sorry you are now facing all this alone. I agree it would be good to return to work as soon as you can to maximise your maternity pay - unless you get full sick pay.

It's a nightmare right now but I promise you'll get through it.

I’m sorry, he’s awful.

Please don’t contact him again - you asked for clarity and closure, and by way of a legal letter, he has provided you with that.

Him changing the locks should have been the clarification on where his head was at, and I’m a firm believer that silence is also an answer, as unfair as it might be.

I suspect blowing up his phone with texts and emails has forced his hand with cementing his plans to cut contact with you.

Its such a horrible thing to do, and I’m sorry he’s putting you through this.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5524285-to-never-be-able-to-forgive-this-despite-the-context?page=9&reply=152047848

Here you go Op

Genuinely why is it? I’ve grown up daughters and I’m a gran. If I got however many repeated calls during the working day, I’d assume someone had died (and my dad is very elderly and that’s likely to happen soon-ish). I can’t take a call if I’m teaching. If I’m in the secure room with no phone signal. Why is it appalling not to immediately take a phone call?

if you don’t put him on the birth certificate can you still go through CMS for the correct financial maintenance?

it used to be if the father wasn't married to the mother and not present at the registration of the birth - then his name couldn't be entered on the birth certificate (I doubt it has changed?)

this though has no bearing on claiming finical support for the child, but does have bearing on other factors to do with the child

I don’t know the OP’s mother but possibly she is a bit like mine. Can be really nice but also doesn’t miss an opportunity to put the boot in when I’m vulnerable. Sadly not all mothers are the reasonable people we might believe them to be.

I would argue that even if OP had been calling like a maniac, that comment was a low blow.

I am so sorry to hear your mum said this. I’m afraid this makes her sound like a dreadful woman. We are here for you OP xxx

how can I do that when I teach?

Not taking a call is absolutely reasonable (for any reason whatsoever). The mother’s comment about it was awful though.

Hi Op, what an absolutely awful situation, it's no wonder you feel so vulnerable and anxious. I can't believe your mum has said what she has though, do you have a support group around you through friends?
ExP sounds like a complete knob. As others have said, clearly he has no intention of being there so best thing you can do is forget about him from a support perspective. Spend the next month's prepping for baby, you absolutely can do this alone, it will be hard but not unachievable. Once baby here submit CMS claim, let him organise paternity test. No birth certificate acknowledgement and move on. It's him that is going to miss out in the end.

It sounds like you’re spiralling - and understandably so - could you call your midwife and ask them if there is any local support in your area? Mine was fab when I needed additional support x

Appalling to say what she said

Further to my earlier post, it seems that the CMS rules regarding disagreements over parentage have changed over the last few years. Now, the CMS will only assume that your ex is the father under certain circumstances which probably don’t apply to you.

So, if you don’t get a DNA test as soon as you can, your ex won’t have to pay child maintenance until the dispute is resolved. However, once he is proved to be the father, the amount of child maintenance he owes will be backdated to when your case was opened.

https://www.gov.uk/child-maintenance-service/disagreements-about-parentage

https://www.gov.uk/get-a-dna-test/if-the-child-maintenance-service-orders-you-to-get-a-test

With respect this isn't about you

Parenting alone is a lot easier than parenting with a useless partner, I’ve done both. It seems really scary but you’ll be fine. Put this loser behind you and look to the future with your baby. Good luck.

This ^ with bells on it

Oh come on. Do you think that marriages never break down? Let's not start shaming someone because she's not married

He's a piece of shit and your mum's not much better.

Best thing to do now is to stop trying to contact him. That can wait. When the baby is born go for formal child support and yes, get that paternity test done.

Hard as it is, for right now try to file all that in the 'later' box. You have to take care of yourself right now.

It's not about you @TheZTeam.

I would write them a letter explaining how sad you are that he has ended the relationship and enclosing his communication to you so they can see, and letting them know that while you won’t be contacting him as requested, you will not stand in their way if they want to be grandparents to your baby.

Absolutely do not take this advice and start writing to anyone in his family - this will provoke another solicitors letter - just don't do this please

its really unhelpful advice imo

It really is him that’s going to miss out in the end.

I’m thinking of two particular school mum friends who were both single mothers with the father not in the picture.

Over time they told me their stories and in both cases the father had behaved absolutely appallingly.

The joke’s on those dads because those two beautiful, well-adjusted and smart kids are both in secondary school now and thriving. Their mothers went through some terrible times but the fathers were the ones who missed out in the end.

Unfortunately it is now clear you need to move on from this man and concentrate on your baby OP.

Register your baby as soon as possible after the birth. As you’re unmarried, I don’t think you can name him as father on the birth certificate without him being present or giving a document of consent. Probably for the best as being named on the birth cert would give him decision-making rights about your child. If he wants parental rights later on he can pursue them through the courts.

Once your baby is registered, you can then make a child maintenance claim. If he disputes paternity (as not on birth certificate) it might delay things a little, but any maintenance granted will be backdated to the application date so it’s important to get this in early. A DNA test will then be requested by child maintenance for which he will have to organise with a doctor and pay for (if it turns out he’s not the father he can claim a refund). If he refuses to do the test he is assumed to be the father.

I don't think adoption should be part of the discussion just now with respect. As you say there are plenty of single parents and not everyone does have family that can help out - they still manage. I grew up in a single parent family - better that than two unhappy parents.

You are far too nice. And you will be fine, you will manage. Frankly, I would have walked out even before he said he 'had worries'. I would have walked out if I saw anything less than elation at the news of pregnancy.

Stick up for yourself, contest vigorously his implied insults with this dna test. Do this test and sue for child support.

Count your blessings this arsehole self-removed, seriously. You don't need scum like that in your life. And stop being so nice.

OP, I would look into having some counselling if you can to help you accept what has happened. I say accept, not understand, as there will never be an explanation that makes it understandable/ok.

hopefully this will also help you get a grip on your emotions/reactions. You seem to have poor impulse control, repeatedly contacting him day after day when it’s clear he is not responding, and then the same with your mum. It’s understandable that your emotions are all over the place and you feel desperate, but you need to take back control for you and your baby.