26 weeks pregnant and ex has sent me a letter, I am broken

[Brokennn]

I am 26 weeks pregnant. I was living with ex for a year before I was pregnant, both in late 30s. The pregnancy was not planned though we had planned to ttc in 2027.

Luckily I had not got round to renting out my own home and so when he reacted badly to the pregnancy, I did have somewhere to go. He said he was excited for the baby but also worried. He would never clarify what these worries were and I spent literally night after night while he barely spoke to me, stared into space. It was awful. When I was around 4 months pregnant I said I would spend some time at my home as I was struggling to cope with how he was treating me and it was causing huge rows that were making me worried for the baby as I was under so much stress. I think his main worry was that he might need to move for work and whether I would come with him, obviously his treatment of me during the first few weeks made me reluctant to agree to that (otherwise I would absolutely have done) which only made things worse between us.

When I returned to the house after a couple of days away, he had changed the locks and refused to speak to me. I begged him to talk and said we had a baby to think about, please just talk etc but he wouldn’t. I left and went to my home and have been off sick from work as I just can’t cope. I had been texting and emailing him most days, asking him to just tell me if he’s ok and if we can talk, asking what he wants to do about our baby and if he wants to be in the baby’s life.

He continued to ignore me. The last few weeks have been absolute hell, wondering if I will be a lone parent, wondering how I will afford all the things the baby will need, wondering how I will birth alone and how I will cope with recovery. My messages had been nothing but nice, polite, just asking for some sort of closure and understanding.

This morning I have been contacted by a firm of solicitors saying he does not want me to contact him because it is harassment and if it continues he will report me. It also asked for a dna test. I genuinely have never felt so confused and broken and hopeless in my life. I can’t understand any of it. I won’t contact him directly again now but how do I cope? I feel so alone. Please be gentle, I am usually a strong person but I honestly do not know how to navigate this.

One of mine has a habit of blowing up my phone. Mum mum mum mum texts and eleventy billion calls. I have told her to knock it off - phone and leave a message or send a text, you know I ALWAYS answer if I can and I ALWAYS call back as soon as I can but please don’t blow my phone unless someone has died.

if I’m teaching I cannot answer.

He's being incredibly cruel, but to be honest you'll be better off without him. If a relationship was strained before the baby arrives it's unlikely to improve once a small all consuming baby comes into the picture.

I was in a similar situation to you and did my pregnancy alone, I have now been solo parenting for almost 8 years. Her father rings once a week and comes to visit for 8 hours every 4 months. But do you know, we don't need him, I find it much easier to solo parent with a non-involved co-parent than some of my friends that have found themselves in that situation later in their parenting journey.

You were strong enough to walk away when it impacted you and potentially your unborn child so I have no doubt you will be strong enough to raise this child without his assistance. Protect your peace and no contact, once the baby arrives then submit your CMS claim and hopefully he will be forced to at least contribute something. I hope you can find your village, my neighbour came with me to delivery and they relayed to help after my c-section.

If you'd like to talk privately please feel free to DM, it can be lonely but here to help :)

You need to be stronger than this for you and the baby. Get angry rather than sad and focus on the fact you are on your own now but how to become the best mum you can be to your little one. Let him see what he’s missing out on rather than you begging for him back. Cut him out of your life now for the rest of the pregnancy, he’s shown his cards.

I’d also not be going off sick from work for so long right now, you may need that sick leave for appointments or closer to the end of the pregnancy. Babies don’t need brand new stuff, look in charity shops or fb marketplace for a lot of the things you need. You don’t need him around dragging you down and you can do this!

I don’t really understand your response. Presumably you don’t make horrible comments to your children, so it’s not about you.

My situation was very similar OP. I later found out my ex was seeing someone else.
I went through my pregnancy alone and have raised my son alone, but we have a fantastic bond.
It was awful at the time, but my god it makes you strong. His dad doesn’t even bother to pay child support but he has to live with himself.
It may feel like it now, but it’s not the end of the world. You will find reserves you didn’t know you have.

I am mother to an almost adult daughter and I do drop everything when she needs me. Sometimes I can’t because of work or whatever, but I call back as soon as I can. If she was in your situation nothing would stop me supporting her, and if she wanted I’d be on her doorstep before she put the phone down. I’d also have to stop myself doing serious damage to her ex.

My mother would not have done the same, which is probably why I ended up in some not great relationships before meeting my dh.

Stay away from both your ex and your mother, they will make things worse. Talk to your midwife, talk to your friends or even colleagues, good people will support you and in time all will work out and you and your baby will be happy.

I agree with this. If you grow up with parents like this you’re basically programmed to let people treat you badly. You can decide to stop taking it. Being pregnant is the perfect time to start standing up for yourself because it’s normal to start seeing the world differently and have your priorities change.

Also many of us know from experience that parenting alone is absolute heaven compared to parenting with a useless and cruel man.

Stay positive and see this as a new start. You and your lovely baby with no bad energy in the house. It’s hard work but it’s also wonderful.

How utterly selfish and shitty of this man.
It will feel lile the most lonely time unless you talk to other family and friends.
Join a antenatal class or something for yourself to prevent you feeling alone.
Go and pick something for yourself and baby.
Do the dna test
His wish to hide does not deal with the fact or responsiblities of a parent
parenting solo is done by many sucessfully..not always easily like anything.
Lets hope that lawyer is around to serve out the results
Who knows what is going on, could your mother be any less caring and the hormones in pregnancy can be hard.
Get in touch with the good people in your life
Sometimes others become a new family as you navigate parenting

To be honest, OP, it sounds like you are spiralling and have been for a while.

You need someone you can talk things through with, like a counsellor or helpline. A really good trauma dump, to get it all out, can be a real relief when I used to spiral. Get it all out in one big BLAHHHHHHH and then move forward

It wasn't healthy behaviour to contact your ex daily when he's changed the locks. You were just stoking your anxiety by repeatedly seeking answers.

He's obviously an arsehole. I'm sorry he reacted so horribly to the pregnancy.

You need to give you head a shake, accept that he's out of the picture, and look ahead. You and your baby will be just fine. Life as a single parent is better than life with an awful co-parent. He isn't who you thought he was.

While you are spiralling you won't be reacting in a healthy way, and what feels needed to you can feel pretty overwhelming to someone on the other end. I'm sorry your Mum expressed it rather cruelly.

Hang in there. This will ease soon.

You are in a very difficult situation and I can completely understand how distressed you are

But you are also showing signs of poor mental health. This isn’t uncommon in pregnancy and particularly with a trigger like the one you’ve had. Your posts show classic signs of catastrophisation and disordered thinking and your perseverance with the ex and your mum to the point they have both said they feel harassed is also concerning.

Please speak to your midwife urgently. There are specialist services which can support you. This is likely to spiral further if you don’t and can be extremely dangerous for you (and therefore also your baby). Treatment and support will help a lot and once you have this back under control you can then face the tough decisions better.

Good luck with the rest of the pregnancy and I’m sorry this happened to you.

No, in UK, the father doesn’t have to be ‘present’ whilst the birth/name are Registered. (& neither does the mother, if father is allowing himself the time to visit registry office to get the job done!)
That said, you might benefit from discussing the whole situation with a solicitor who has relevant experience in this field.
Good luck, thinking of you & babe.

Well get the DNA test done so he can’t weasel out of child support.

Beyond that there’s not much you can do. He sounds immature anyway tbh. I mean if you hadnt been together long and he didn’t really want kids that’s one thing but he’s handled it really really badly.

You will get through this and you will thrive, OP.

As you have received a letter from a solicitor, I would advise you to see a solicitor yourself, so that he/she can send an appropriate letter for you.

https://solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/

Re DNA testing, I would advise approaching King's Forensics at a suitable time.

www.kcl.ac.uk/forensics/accredited-services/dna-analysis-kings/should-i-take-a-dna-test

I’m so sorry, you haven’t done anything wrong, I agree please don’t put him on the birth certificate as he will have parental rights. I would agree to a dna, for the maintenance claim. Also if he doesn’t want to be part of the baby’s life, your son/daughter may want to contact him when they’re older. Lean on friends and family for support. It may be daunting but you can do this xx

Yep he said it would be considered harassment also.

These men are just a waste of space. So pathetic.

I'm so sorry op, this is just another horrible selfish man.
As horrible and painful as this is for you it's better to get rid of him now.

This. I’m so sorry your mum is awful to you too. you need to be strong now. Ignore your mum. Put him on mute.

Screenshot all your attempts to message and call, and scan the solicitors letter. Save them in case he decides to be more of an asshole.
do not give the baby his name, do not put him on the birth certificate. He can learn about the baby when the cms claim that you put in when baby is born comes in.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you @Brokennn . Your ex is despicable. You must not contact him again. If you do, you will be issued with a police PIN and you will be charged, then you will have a criminal record. Please seek help and support for yourself. I would start by talking to your GP. Do you have a local Mind branch? There is help and your GP may refer you to the perinatal team. Have you let your friends know what's happening? I'm so sorry your mum was unsupportive. I hope you will return the favour when she suddenly wants to see your baby.

You will absolutely get through this, even if you can't see any way of that happening at the moment. As impossible as it seems, one day you will not give a toss about your ex and you will be delighted he's not involved with your baby. As soon as baby is born, make a claim through CMS and let him get the DNA test.

Are you managing to eat and take care of yourself day to day? You need some time to cope with the shock. I'm so glad you still have your home. Hope it will become your sanctuary for you and your baby 💐

I would be keeping a detailed factual record of everything that happens, keep anything that might be needed as evidence of his behaviour. In the future you may need to build a case against him and it's better to have everything ready.

But this way, won’t OP have to pay for the DNA test?

Her ex wants the test, so I suggest going through CMS. That way, if he is the father, he’ll have to pay for the test. Also, the CMS will know which companies’ results they will accept, so it’s probably simpler all round to let them do it.

OP, you sound very distraight, for understandable reasons. But you need to take some proactive steps now. I obviously can't know exactly if your mum is cruel, but if you'ove been sending him messagess and emails daily, and also asking your mum for a lot of support, the repeated cslls over and over again today probably were too much. Take this as th epoint you DO have some closure - you know he IS okay, you also know that he is an ass and that he is going to make things difficult.

So first, speak to your GP or midwife about some MH support while you're still pregnant.
If you can, speak to a lawyer for some advice. If not, at the very least, look up what is necessary for a DNA test post baby and then send that back to his solicitor and make it clear in yoru letter that you will comply withA DNA test but he will need to facilitate/pay for it.
plan to claim CMS but otherwise, expect to be alone with this baby.

It can be very difficult to process just how cruel someone can be when they are supposed to care about you.

I hope you have the support to process this and find your anger.

• do not put his name on the birth certificate, even if he starts pretending to be nice
• do not give baby his last name, even if he starts pretending to be nice
• do not be discouraged from filing a CMS claim, even if starts pretending to be nice

You need to think of yourself and your baby now.

It can be very difficult to process just how cruel someone can be when they are supposed to care about you.

I hope you have the support to process this and find your anger.

• do not put his name on the birth certificate, even if he starts pretending to be nice
• do not give baby his last name, even if he starts pretending to be nice
• do not be discouraged from filing a CMS claim, even if starts pretending to be nice

You need to think of yourself and your baby now.

Not taking a call if you are unavailable is reasonable. Teaching a class would fall into that category. Making unkind remarks to your distraught daughter is not fine at all.

The situation is worse than just OP's relationship ending when she is pregnant. Her ex has contacted solicitors who are threatening legal action against OP to stop her getting in touch with him at all. She is pregnant with no support at all and the people who should have her back are going to extreme lengths to abandon her and to become annoyed when she reacts emotionally to her changed situation.

You poor thing, what an absolute cunt he is! You can do this and it will be so much better than with a person like him. As you can no longer contact him it will turn out to be a good thing as he can keep making you feel worse. You now won’t feel compelled to give him any updates. When your baby is born you don’t need to inform him. If he wants to find out he will know approximately your due date and can find out if he wants to. Make sure you give your child your surname. At least he can’t be in the birth certificate so won’t have automatic parental responsibility which could make things more difficult for you. If he wants to he can apply through the court. As far as the DNA test he is saying that to purely hurt you. Put the CSA claim in when the baby is born and he can request the DNA test via them and he will have to pay for it. If he contacts you at all don’t feel compelled to respond. You owe him nothing. You can do this and you will be ok.