26 weeks pregnant and ex has sent me a letter, I am broken

[Brokennn]

I am 26 weeks pregnant. I was living with ex for a year before I was pregnant, both in late 30s. The pregnancy was not planned though we had planned to ttc in 2027.

Luckily I had not got round to renting out my own home and so when he reacted badly to the pregnancy, I did have somewhere to go. He said he was excited for the baby but also worried. He would never clarify what these worries were and I spent literally night after night while he barely spoke to me, stared into space. It was awful. When I was around 4 months pregnant I said I would spend some time at my home as I was struggling to cope with how he was treating me and it was causing huge rows that were making me worried for the baby as I was under so much stress. I think his main worry was that he might need to move for work and whether I would come with him, obviously his treatment of me during the first few weeks made me reluctant to agree to that (otherwise I would absolutely have done) which only made things worse between us.

When I returned to the house after a couple of days away, he had changed the locks and refused to speak to me. I begged him to talk and said we had a baby to think about, please just talk etc but he wouldn’t. I left and went to my home and have been off sick from work as I just can’t cope. I had been texting and emailing him most days, asking him to just tell me if he’s ok and if we can talk, asking what he wants to do about our baby and if he wants to be in the baby’s life.

He continued to ignore me. The last few weeks have been absolute hell, wondering if I will be a lone parent, wondering how I will afford all the things the baby will need, wondering how I will birth alone and how I will cope with recovery. My messages had been nothing but nice, polite, just asking for some sort of closure and understanding.

This morning I have been contacted by a firm of solicitors saying he does not want me to contact him because it is harassment and if it continues he will report me. It also asked for a dna test. I genuinely have never felt so confused and broken and hopeless in my life. I can’t understand any of it. I won’t contact him directly again now but how do I cope? I feel so alone. Please be gentle, I am usually a strong person but I honestly do not know how to navigate this.

Why can’t he organise his own testing?
Child Maintenance will request him to anyway. I wouldn’t be running to do his bidding.

Why is a solicitor necessary at this point?

OP, not surprisingly your MH sounds very poor at the moment. I would reach out to your midwife or GP for support as a priority.

He's behaved really badly, that's not in dispute at all. But it sounds like by continuously contacting him, you've had the opposite result of what you're hoping for. Just don't contact him again now - at all, for any reason. You may find when he's had time, space and advice from more rational friends and family that he comes round to being in the baby's life in a few months (but don't plan on this).

You need to focus now on getting your strength and resilience back and returning to work. Both to get back in a routine and for a distraction. Therapy would be good for you too as it sounds like you perhaps outsource your anxiety onto others through frequent messaging and this isn't healthy either. Best of luck.

Ok. Tough love.

you’re going to be a mum. You’re going to be a single mum. You need to put your adult face on and accept it.

so. Plans.

what’s your workplace mat leave like? How long can you realistically have off.

birth. Will your mum or dad be useful? A friend? Can you afford a doula if not?

sort childcare. Get nursery/childminder options organised. Budget. Get an idea of what your income will be after CB and UC. Include CMS but don’t rely on it.

housing- can you go interest only on your mortgage. At least while the nursery years are ongoing. And debt you can pay off now, any money you can save.

you don’t need a lot for the baby. Get the basics.

sort the practicalities now. Then look into counselling and emotional support. It sounds like you can be quite needy and are catastrophising- get yourself in a better place mentally, you will soon have a baby to care for and you need to reduce the chance of being overwhelmed.

don’t factor him in at all. Don’t contact him. Go through the CMS when the baby is here. Stop contacting your mum- phone her once a week for a catch up. Let her come to you.

let yourself get excited!

OP this is awful. I am so sorry this has happened to you and you are going through such a difficult time.

You will be grieving the future you were hoping for and the relationship with this horrible man. Not to mention the shock about how how he has behaved.

You are bringing a baby into the world, so as soon as you are able you need to look to the future and start making plans.

• Are you in an area where nursery places are highly sought after? You need to get baby's name on the waiting list for a couple of nurseries now to keep your options open once she's born.
• Are you planning to keep working once your maternity leave is finished and put your baby in childcare? If so, I really recommend you get back to work now as soon as you possibly can to finish out your work before you go on leave in a good place.
• Join a pregnancy yoga or pilates group, join an antenatal class ideally one that's specially aimed at single parents if there is one local. Is there a local family centre that has a pregnant mums group? You need to start building a new network.
• What support is your mum willing to offer? It doesn't sound like she has been great so far.
• As others have said, find out what benefits and support you are entitled to.
• Consider getting some counselling to work through this awful experience.

Wishing you all the best.

I dont think it harsh not to be able to take a call ,but it is harsh to say to your pregnant daughter who has been dumped ,is stressed and off sick and sent a solicitors letter that she is harrassing her mother for making repeated calls when severely distressed.
If i had repeated calls from one of my adult children,i may have missed the calls,may be unable to take the calls at a given moment but i wouldnt assume the reason for their repeated calls, but i would know they needed me.......

Op you have had a huge shock but you can do this many women do every day. At some point you will find your anger with him. If the person you are trying to contact can’t help you try someone else, a friend, a colleague. It sounds like you need to talk it out have you considered a counsellor? Of course your emotions are all over the place you are pregnant. I would consider very carefully if you want him in your child’s life because currently his behaviour is showing you who he really is. Leaving you at your most vulnerable with no answers is such poor behaviour. Has your midwife been of any help? Look on entitled to for benefit advice as a single parent.

@Mangelwurzelfortea - wrong thread!

Going on what you have said, I'd say he did not want a child with you, the plan to conceive in 2027 was just to string you along. You were convenient but he did not see you as long term. Sorry.

Now you are expecting, he sees the cost of a child for the next 18 years and is appalled. Stop emailing him or trying to see a good side of his behaviour. He has abandoned you.

Inform him in writing when the baby arrives, put in a CMS claim, register your baby with your surname, and then leave the door open for him to see the baby if you want to.

He may change his mind about contact, he may not, but your relationship is over. You need to live your life for you and your child now. You have a job and a home, and will be a happy loving family of two. Start saving for your maternity leave now.

Don't worry too much about your mum. She'll get her head around your news, and she'll almost certainly come round.

I've done this for the last 15 years since my ds' father turned abusive. My ds is a joy, and about to take his a'levels. You will do a great job and be a wonderful mum. DM me if you need some support. Good luck. xx

At very least, needs to know how to respond correctly to letter received from his solicitor. Also would be able to enquire about any potential problems after being dumped in this overwhelmingly crap situation.

Im so sorry for what you are going through, its understandable you are distressed.
Why a man behaves like this beggars belief but some do .
Concentrate on yourself,your wellbeing and your baby.

1. GP/Midwife let them know how this is affecting you.
2. Do not contact him again.
3. See a solicitor for advice.
4. claim through the proper channels for CM when your baby is born and let him press for DNA testing.
5. Look after yourself.

I hope you have some support around you IRL. Your mums response to your repeated calls whilst distressed was unkind.Is she generally supportive?

Just echoing what most people have said.
Stop contacting him. Prepare for single parenthood and be kind to yourself.

He's been clear he doesn't want contact so don't inform him of appointments, scans or when you go into labour. Name the baby and give them your surname. Leave him off the birth certificate (if he changes his mind he can do the legwork to be added on at a later date). Claim maintenance from him, if he denies paternity they have their own system where he can be tested.

I would stop relying on your mum also, she doesn't sound like a good person so I'd reduce contact for a bit and stop being the one who reaches out.

Don't be afraid to tell people of the situation. He's the one who should be ashamed not you.

Good luck OP. It won't be easy but your baby is going to be worth it all. You don't need anyone else.

I agree, be careful of this. If his lawyers can make a case against you honestly from your behaviour, it won’t matter what a dick he is or how much genuine distress he’s causing you, you’ll still be guilty of harassment.

What a horrible person, I’m glad you were able to split from him.

Tell him if he wants to pay for a prenatal paternity test then he can. It’s better this way, as long as you don’t mind blood tests, than after the birth where they need DNA from the baby rather than just from your blood.

But would you be supportive when you could call her back or would you accuse your clearly distressed daughter of harassment?

This.
Any decent parent would have rung you back at the first opportunity, unless you have a serious history of repeated ringing because you need a light bulb changed type of thing.
You and the baby will be much better off without the nasty piece of work in your lives but I would certainly claim CMS from him.

Why would he feel threatened or fearful? He's not scared of her. He just doesn't want to be a dad

Also many of us know from experience that parenting alone is absolute heaven compared to parenting with a useless and cruel man.

I can vouch for that, OP.

Thank you for so many replies. I am working my way through them but finding it hard to read some posts too. I definitely will not be contacting him again, in a way it is a form of closure but I am in total shock he would do something like this

@TheignT yes my mum saying that was like a knife in my side, like she agreed with him and was on his side

Exactly. A horrible thing to say.

I am so sorry you feel this, and I do understand. But a few years ago, DH and I had a not dissimilar situation with SIL. She just kept on doing the thing that was causing her problems with her ex and he would react the same way every single time. To be clear, he was the wanker, but the reality is that he wasn't going to change and so every time she did x expecting y but got z in stead, she'd be upset and we'd all be sitting there going, "this was always going to happen."

So yes, when it escalated and she was even more upset and more needy and all the rest, DH and I had to take a step back. We felt bad, but it had got to the point where we felt we were enabling her by listening and being supportive, even as she econtinued to make the same mistake over and over and over again.
HOw many times has your m um told you to stop contating him?
How much time has your mum spent listening and supporting you?

if she hasn't, then yes, she's not very nice and this is another example. if she has, then I have some sympathy with her being annoyed by the 35 messages.

You need to prepare yourself physically and mentally. Its going to be very difficult, I should know because he also left me during my pregnancy and hasnt met his child who is almost 3.
100% get a DNA test and file for child maintenance through the CMS.
Honestly, screw him, enjoy your baby when they arrive. Congrats! You can do it.

Lawyers wouldn't make a case against her in this instance. It would be police. But speaking as someone who has been stalked and threatened over a long period of time - and police did nothing - I doubt very much if police would see this particular situation as harassment. He's not responded to her. All he had to do was say that he didn't want contact in the first place - end of.

Yes she needs to stop the contact but anyone who could even threaten to go to police over this when he has caused it all and she's heavily pregnant to boot is a grade A bell end. Classic intimidation tactics

Op in am so sorry you are in this position.
Now that he has made his feelings clear by his treatment of you and the solicitor's letter you really do need to work out what your choices and priorities are..

My instinct would be to not do anything that means you are tied to this man for the next 18 years. I agree with the people who said don't make it easy for him. Having a chid together can provide a means for a man to exert control over you. I would do nothing that encourages that to happen.

If he decides to prove he is a father then that's up to him and you need to cross that bridge when you come to it, but at the moment once the awful shock has settled, I would be making plans for my own future that does not include this man at all,.

"go to CMS when the baby is born"

You say this like it's some big win, it's not.

She goes to CMS gets £200 or £300 or wherever a month but she still needs to raise the baby alone. Isn't there a post on mumsnet from a woman who was awarded £7 a week for 3 kids from her useless ex through CMS?

Yes she needs to go to CMS but it's not this huge win that makes everything right.

And again another child is brought into messy adult relationships due to no fault of their own. There is no way there weren't signs or red flags from this guy before getting pregnant and deciding to keep it. He is a useless idiotic selfish wanker and there must have been red flags that have been ignored.